Dear Aunt Beverly,
I am in love. But the guy that I know I’m meant to be with is going out with my friend. Bitch. How do I make it clear to him that when it comes to me, he can have it all? I met him first. It’s only fair. I know we could be so good together.
Lovestruck and Scheming, 2nd Year
Dear Shite Friend,
What a pickle you have created for yourself. You are clearly living in some unknowable universe; the centre of which you seem to think revolves around you. This is a most terrible way to treat your friend. Is there any inkling that this chap is at all unhappy or that he would rather be with you, hmm? If not as I suspect is the case, you really need to put aside this silly infatuation you have and move on with your life and leave your friend to her relationship. Really dear, I think you would benefit from a few hours working in a soup kitchen: helping others is a good way to stop thinking about yourself.
Dear Aunt Beverly,
I’m wondering how it’s best to go about procuring myself a license to practice Chinese medicine. I have always been told that I have a pleasant bedside manner and several girls rave about my healing hands. Western medicine is just so boring. Plus I’ve just done a geography module on the landscape of China and I feel like I’ve really connected with the natural culture of the country.
Wannabe Healer, 3rd Year
Dear Fan-of-ridiculous-disciplines,
Well now this is certainly a first. Do you know I’m not quite sure? Might I suggest you pop into one of the many herbal remedy shops littered around the city and ask one of the practitioners? However, I think the market for Chinese herbalists and medics has been pretty well covered by the Chinese themselves. Why don’t you think about becoming a barnyard masturbator? That way you can combine the tricks of your healing hands with your penchant to think outside the box? All the best, pet.
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