This week saw Charlie Glyn’s Machiavellian plan to finally see some AU loin come to fruition. It’s been a barren year for ol’ Scholesy, with only Sebby Webby, John Coton, Niall Quinn, Matthew Box, Oliver Townsend and Tom Sumner to write home to her OBE winning father about. The annual minge-moistener Mr LSE returned on Wednesday. Twelve pre-pubescent boys stood on stage all contemplating how the fuck they were bullied into participation, and four of the AU’s most morally corrupt women took their seats; resident virgin Alice Pelton was licking her lips at the prospect of Ginger Chris’ ginger pubes.
Jonas&Xisco would like to congratulate the victor and the new Mr LSE, Henry Loh, for swaying the crowed with a traditional Asian dance. As renowned local dancers of the Peruvian skit, Jonas&Xisco appreciate the difficulty in entertaining the English, whose interests contain nothing further than football, fornication and alcohol. Commiserations to those who managed to make it to the final with pseudo-Strivens doppelgänger Doughy Carr-Saunders-Hall Evans just losing out to Henry in the wank-off. Of course, in an event of this nature, it is unsurprising that the ginger finished first, especially as he was left dangerously close to climax after locking lips with the aforementioned Pelton.
The contest was well received by all, especially the minge of the AU who enjoyed seeing the ugliest, most impressionable members of the FC, Rugby and Ultimate Frisbash embarrass themselves in a futile attempt to ensnare some snatch. Other notable entrants included Norayr ‘El Bat’ thingamajig serenading all with his home nation of Azerbaijan’s national anthem and John Goodman ringer Ben Robinson’s rendition of Russell ‘Where’s Jess Bonner?’ Baffy’s hit ‘Don’t stop believing.’ The half-time act was performed by RnB sensation ‘Hot Boyz.’ Despite only reaching tepid the pair managed to avoid being thoroughly embarrassed thanks to their producer who had the foresight to stifle their drones by putting the background beats up to 11.
Major drama erupted on Friday night as former team mates and supposed best pals, Crispy Duck Coton and Skinny Pete Rickett engaged in hand to hand combat worthy of King and Martial Law. Things turned ugly after Law (Rickett) accused King (Coton) of not having any ‘Love and Pride.’ Coton’s retort was to immediately pull Alex Avlonitis; the resulting fight was only stopped after Ed Ball’s rent boy and resident Desperate Dan, Jack Follows stepped in. Afterwards, Jack’s only comment was that he did what he did because he wants to be the guy that guys count on. BENDER!
Best Lad: Owly/Norayr: Everyone’s favourite Armenian impressed one particular judge at Mr LSE with his operatic stylings, six pack and general height. Needless to say he woke up at Striven’s house.
Worst Lad: Josh ‘Malibu’ Stacey: Another disappointment to compound his on-going goal drought, Malibu absolutely bottled his Napoleon Dynamite routine. Luckily, Kathryn Eastwood loves Malibu more than Trent loves finance, and the pair canoodled the night away.
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