Our undercover AU sleuths dish the dirt on a week of legendary mayhem
BJ Watson’s Machiavellian plan to finally see some new snatch almost came into fruition this week. After being binned by former Bond girl, Katya ‘Moonraker’ Kornilova, breaking his beloved conk and finally facing the reality of living his life with four eyes, the young upstart suffered a mental breakdown of STK proportions. The result was his return to the dark days of his Heap/Henry rotation system. Self-confidence sufficiently rebuilt after Monday night the scoundrel decided to promote himself from pulling girls in the Championship, to those in the Premier League. Needless to say that since this conversion has been a problem for the Hansen lookalike. The blonde bender descended upon the homesteads of two separate minge from King’s Cross Road on Wednesday, Friday and Saturday; however, he was unable to even attain a cheeky pull as his attempts at wooing said minge was hindered by a giant mouse and a case of seriously over-peppered scrambled eggs. The minge shall remain un-named; although one was very Glyn-ger and had a presidential manner and the other has a name not dissimilar to David Beckham’s current employers.
Friday’s Crush descended into mayhem as serial bigamist and all round bad guy, Jack ‘Misogyny is my middle name’ Follows, had to fend off Josh Olomulleryoghurt after publicly exclaiming that ‘woman’ spelt backwards is ‘kitchen’ and that Jasmine Bradfield was lucky to pull Townsend. Hornswaggle Heath had his very own UGM to chair in the early hours of Saturday morning. The happy go lucky homo gave it the el dinko in Jack Tindale’s very own erotic fantasy. Eternal advocate of the moisturising power of semen Rajeroni Premachandralal gave a young Bankside fresher his own version of Oil of Olay. The Tiger Tamil quipped, “DAMN! These bitches are so slutty nowadays.” Future AU Events candidate, Megan Properhoe, began campaigning early this week for the FC vote, racking up a cheeky pull with everyone’s favourite Telly Tubby, Olly Pervey. Unbeknown to Megan, BJ had already shagged Povey in the toilets of Zoo Bar; an area that saw a lot more action than in previous weeks…ooo.
Best Lad: Owly; Sheffield’s own Roberto Carlos grabbed himself three goals and two assists, not to mention a cheeky threesome with netball superstars Rhiannon Edwards and Hannah Dyson.
Worst Lad: Tom Sumner; You would think for a boy approaching his thirteenth birthday that shedding his V-wings would be an absolute priority, yet it appears that all the young Sumner wants is for an older woman to read him a bedside story.
Given Strivens the el dinko? Planning on voting Nadir Gohar for AU President? Know the location of the FC merchandise? Fended of Charlotte Emma Ryan? Email now at jonas&xisco@thebeaveronline.co.uk, or join our Facebook fan page.
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