Fresh from a landslide defeat in the Peruvian Telecommunications Minister race to minge extraordinaire Hatemonger Rope, worldwide lad of the year Jonas has returned to add much needed spice to LSE’s premier news column.
Sean Farrar: “There is an FC rule that FC players cannot run against each other… and yet at the last minute Saville snuck in and decided to run against Latif. Not happy”
At this week’s SU elections special, J&X’s favourite Three Metre Rogers commented with the integrity and passion for which he is famed. Snavatar Emma Ryan completed a remarkable coup by winning the AU treasurer position. His promise of ending the relentless stalking of former Outlaw Latif conquest Kate ‘Dewi’ Strivens captured the AU’s sympathetic side, a double edged sword emerged however as unfortunately for Strivo she will find herself alongside LSE’s least interesting individual on our new and improved Athletics Union low-brows anonymous.
The real story of the week however, emerged not from campus but from far far away in Ginger Chris’s dungeon. Dressed in gimp attire (leading to a new nickname ‘Black Chris’) LSE’s most eligible bachelor… and Gabs Butu, gave superstar hockey chump Emma Heap a threes up of the sort she had previously only dreamt. J&X were very fortunate to be privy to such information which only came to light after the sterling work from LSE media mogul Rob ‘Rim-Job” Charnock. Filming the sordid acts however led to the dismissal of Charnock from his job as Pulse Radio manager; a Pulse insider has been quoted as saying “He would’ve been OK if he’d sticked to filming, however jumping on a post-coital Heap for a go was truly unforgiveable, heads had to roll.” Long time partner Joseph Whats’on was seen in tears after seeing the terrible acts, and the plans the pair had forged to spend their golden wedding anniversary at a local Toby Carvery have been put on the back burner.
Final talking points were the news that Turkish national hero Norayr Martin finally lost his virginity with ‘the best looking girl in Phase’. The minge added “His willy is above average”. However this was later downgraded to “average” and finally “pretty small” after the acid Noz slipped her had worn off. Furthermore, the aforementioned Latif Ballack was rushed to A&E after listening to SuBo’s debut album I Dreamed A Dream caused him to bleed from the most unlikely of orifices; his Japs eye.
Fended off Snaville? Didn’t vote Protheroe in the AU Comms race? Gonna shag a fat bird in Calella? E-mail now to jonas&xisco@thebeaveronline.co.uk or keep up with us on our Facebook fanpage.
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