Jonas and Xisco give their final report on the debauched antics of the AU before returning home (one to be burried, the other crucified!)
Shockwaves of despair reverberated around campus this week as news of the tragic death of Beaver Sports very own Xisco Getege-D’or hit Houghton Street. The Peruvian pervert whose lyrical myricals have often been likened to a young Tupac Shakur fell to his death when rock climbing in Azerbaijan. A mountain goat chewed through his support rope, causing him to plummet a monumental twelve feet to his death (around 6 times his height). This column, written just hours before the author’s death will provide a fitting epitaph in what was one of the AU’s sluttiest weeks.
Beaver Sports will be further depleted with the news that Jonas has had to return to his native Peru. The victim of a strict Catholic upbringing, Jonas impregnated a local fisherman’s friend, so the handsome devil himself has had to return on one knee to see out his remaining years.
This week saw Wimbledon ball boy extraordinaire and newly elected AU President, Ben Robinson, deliver a poem that has been confirmed to have made Xisco turn in his grave. Sources have confirmed that in a bid to win friends early, the John Candy ringer was seen at the table of ‘el filthies’ playing taps alongside the, as yet unnamed, future of the FC…Black Chris.
Generally, the AU Ball was a debauched affair, with two alleged incidents of coerced debauchery during the evening; for the first, see picture 38 from Vanessa Duckworth’s album, 3rd Team Netball Love, and for the second speak to Monty Ishmael who heard the screams yet could not muster the bravery to help. The evening saw the return of the once predatorial, now mere fat fluffer, Alan from King’s. It would appear old habits die-hard as the Phil Mitchell lookalike went ‘Homewood Bound’ to his Mecca, the KFC by King’s Cross Station.
Virgin within the M25 Andrew ‘Three Metre Rogers’ Rogers almost managed to break his duck with the official ‘fittest girl in womens’ rugby’ (according to last year’s champ Kate Strivens). However the form-book didn’t lie for Tony as he somehow managed not to convert despite face raping for over 3 hours at the ball and receiving a blozzer.
The final story to emanate from el Ball was the news that after failing with his usual “I’m an actor” line, Andrew ‘Cheeky’ Simpson had to resort to the most working class of chat up lines with “I’ve got no key and I’m locked out”. Surprisingly, Simpson’s acting skills were up to scratch and he managed to fool a blazed Strivens into allowing him back to hers. What happened next is pure conjecture; however, knowing Strivo’s past record, it dosen’t take Stephen Hawking nor even a degree from a Strand Poly to have a fairly good
idea.
Friday’s Crush saw the unlikely event of a foursome occurring, with big John Bown and lil’ John Rajeretnamramnamram sharing a bed with someone odious and an arrow maker. Raj’s usual trick backfired somewhat however, as the session had to be ended prematurely with Bowny caught in the proverbial line of fire which prompted the fridge to say “Corr, have a day off Raj”. It was noted however that the Bownster’s skin was looking mighty soft come Saturday morning football.
Lad of the year: Owly – For continuously winning Lad of the Week and head butting a bouncer in Zoo-Bash.
Worst lad of the year: Rugby’s club captain? Who is he? Rees Matthew Townsend-Hall-Strivens I think his name is…
The ‘John Terry’ lad of the year: Big John Bown. For not only organizing lots of parties but for doing the dirty on teammate Jack ‘Bridge’ Fellows and trying to take his position of centre back.
Ladette of the year: Emma Heap, BJ Watson, Gabs Butu, Black Chris, Rob Charnock, Alex Pearce, Josh Stacey, Nadir Gohar, Lizzie Bacon, Latif Baluch and of course Sebastian Baccala.
Ginger lad of the year: It was a two horse race, with only Scholesy and Black Chris in the running. Unable to come to a decision the award has been given to both, a little perk to help them forget about the unfortunate colour of their hair.
Fittest Tuns barstaff of the year: After the sacking of George De-Ste-Croix for being (the official reason given) too desirable and putting everyone else off of their work, this award naturally goes to Kate Strivens, with Janine Philips coming a distant second.
The Interview
So what gave you the inspiration and desire to write such a hard-hitting column?
KH: It all started when I was on the LSE Ski Tour, after being mistreated by BJ Watson for the last of many times. I felt it was necessary to let the wider LSE student body know just how undesirable the seedy slutty underbelly of the AU was.
AH: Kate knew I was an avid reader of all the great publications, NY Times, Economist and of course Animal Sex Weekly, so it was only natural that she should come to me to make her vision become a reality.
How interesting, you always were an unlikely partnership somewhat akin to karaoke superstars Rudi and John the Paedo, how exactly did you two meet?
AH: It all started one bright breezy Sunday morning in lent term, I was absent mindedly wiling away the hours exposing myself to minors on a well-known webcam based website when a lil’ blondie pops up. Next thing I know I’ve got a Facebook friend request and the rest is now in the annals of journalistic history.
Was it ever difficult to maintain your anonymity?
KH: At the start we were very concerned about this. That’s why I mentioned myself a few times in a less than positive light to try and put the reader off the scent.
AH: However, a few weeks in, these plebs Joseph ‘BJ’ Watson and George De-Ste-Croix started claiming they were the authors. My first response was utter indignation we soon realized; however, it allowed us to be all the more abusive and allow the pair to suffer the consequences.
One final question:BJ, Luther and Sebby Webby. Snog, Marry, Avoid?
KH: [stifled laughter] Snog Luther, marry BJ and avoid Seb. I’ve spent enough time with that fat crybaby to know he won’t amount to anything in life.
AH: I’m not a homosexual man but if worst came to worst, I’d like to start off slow by snogging Luther, eventually marrying Luther and finally avoiding Luther. Like a young Cunniffe.
Key: KH – Kate Henry; AH – Alex Hillback
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