The Beaver Online – News, Comment, Sport and more from the London School of Economics Students' Union – thebeaveronline.co.ukWednesday, 10 March 2010

EXCLUSIVITY FOR THE MASSES

Fashion in a tough economic climate Read more »

Fashion is renowned for its chameleon-like qualities. Its ability to adapt to changing times has never been more evident than now. Recession chic is the new look on the street, the overt spending of diamond dripping wives of moguls, oil tycoons a la Dynasty and Dallas is a thing of the Nineties.

In today’s world of busy career women in their twenties, value is key. The High Street has stepped up its game and has garnered a niche in the market; the likes of Topshop, French Connection, and Karen Millen have perfected the mix of expensive lookinh bang-on-trend-yet-still-affordable to a tee. Rather than a top to toe designer look, it’s now cool to mix high street with designer bags and shoes. Even celebrities are emulating this trend mixing Balmain with Topshop as seen on the likes of Beyonce and Rihanna.

Not to be left out of this Mecca of profits, established fashion houses have thought of a way of getting a shoe into this market. And so the high street and elite designer collaboration is born. This new trend has produced a frenzy on the part of customers and mega profits on the part of the companies involved.Ever the trend-setters, film stars, musicians, and models are everywhere mixing designer gear with affordability.

The chic, elegant, faux-designer wardrobe has never been more accessible to all than it is. Some high street stores have taken advantage of this more than others. Leading the way is H&M whose collaborators have included Viktor and Rolf, Matthew Williamson, Roberto Cavalli more recently Jimmy Choo. Zara had the beautiful Cruz sisters, and New Look collaborations had both the legitimate designer in the form of Giles Deacon as well as the pop stars in Lily Allen and Beth Ditto designing signature ranges. And perhaps most prominently Sir Phillip Green’s Topshop have their wonder girl Kate Moss at the helm, designing multiple sell out collections each year.

Fashion houses that can seem too ‘exclusive’ for the high street have designed cheaper capsule collections for the savvy shopper. Armani has its cheap and chic collection, Marc Jacobs has Marc by Marc Jacobs, Donna Karen has the popular DKNY and that’s just a few of the big names who have ventured into this domain. Never before has the fashion elite catered more to the needs of the everyday woman on a budget.

Even designers that have decided to keep their ‘exclusivity’ and not design on the cheap have had to adjust. The era of 3 designer bags a season are gone, beautiful statement pieces that last for a lifetime is what is on the minds of most people. This is proved by the continued rise in sales of these items. The classic Burberry trench coat, the Channel 2.5 bag, Christian Louboutin heels. All these spell out elegance, and durability. Burberry has diversified its trench so it appeals to a wider range of people not just middle aged, middle class. The Channel bag is on the arms of 40 something and 20 year olds alike, the same can be said for Louboutin heels.The secret of these items is their ability to transcend barriers such as age and ethnicity.

Yet one brand keeps nagging me, simply because of how it continually bucks the trend. Louis Vuitton does not offer sales, it has maintained its traditional design, it manufactures its products the same way it always has, and it streamlines it’s costs to a bare minimum without losing any of it’s key characteristics. It took me a while to figure out its continued appeal without any serious re-branding, but it seems to me that Louis Vuitton isn’t so different from any of the others after all – it has made use of musicians and film stars to sell its wares as well, and it’s reluctance to back down from high end exclusivity is perhaps just its unique selling point in this highly competitive industry.Applying the cross generational tactics in its subtle ways, Madonna for the older, Rihanna for the younger.

The recession may possibly be over, and the economy back on the rise with Christmas shopping acting as a boost, but recession chic fashion is not going anywhere in a hurry, it is definitely here to stay.

FASHION ROCKS

ADETOUN & JACQUI FUSE FASHION WITH MUSIC Read more »

Music and fashion have an undeniable link. Like the tale of the chicken and the egg, both mediums of expression cannot be differentiated; their development occurred independently yet simultaneously. Nowadays most style trends appear to start with musicians; music videos, appearances, magazine covers, Yet the musicians themselves, the music videos, the appearances AND the magazine covers have all been styled by an army of people with one thing in common; the fashion industry.
Just think about the amount of people involved in the production process that goes into your average musician. Take Rihanna for example; the infamous hair cut, the signature red lips and the edgy clothes, have all been juxtaposed together to create an image for her then new album ‘ Good Girl Gone Bad’.
In a nutshell, its clear to see the connection being made. The art forms fundamentally come together creating the best of both worlds.

Music being one of the most influential and widespread forms of art, its impact is global, reaching even the furthest nooks and crannies of the world. Fashion contributes an important element to music’s success through imagery. Without imagery in music so many trends that we consciously or unconsciously subscribe to would certainly not exist. If we narrow it down, we can see that each genre of music essentially possesses its own ‘look’ which not only aids the impact of the type of music but also the musicians themselves.

Do you think Lady GaGa’s performance in the recent MTV video music awards would have had the same effect if she was wearing jeans and a t shirt? Or would that famous Britney/Madonna/Christina kiss, have caused so much controversy, if they weren’t dressed in wedding outfits? Probably not!
Even the most elite of fashion houses use musicians to promote their campaign. Madonna has not only been on the cover of countless fashion magazines, she has also been the face of various fashion campaigns such as Louis Vuitton, and Versace.

On the other hand, music also plays an important role in the world of fashion. Musicians don’t only promote fashion through product placements in their videos, but also through guest appearances and red carpet events wearing designer clothes. By seeking publicity they essentially enhance their status and that of the designers. This fact is obvious, even through the lyrics of their songs; Beyonce overtly promotes her glamorous lifestyle in her song ‘Upgrade you’;

‘Audemars Piguet watch, Dimples in your necktie
Hermes briefcase, Cartier top clips
Sink lined blazers, Diamond crean facials
VVS cuff links, six star pent suites’

As both worlds evolve, we start to see collaborations between the two. In the twenty first century the middle man has been all but eliminated, as we have begun to see musicians forming their own fashion lines. From Sean Combs aka Puffy aka, Puff Daddy, aka P. DIDDY, aka Diddy, we got Sean John. Gwen Stefani coined the clothing label L.A.M.B, and who can forget the ultimate WAG, Posh aka Victoria Beckham and her new label The Collection? They’ve ultimately bridged the gap between fashion and music; and if anything its been done so well it deserves its own title!

Just like the chicken and the egg the question remains as to which one came first; fashion or music. We leave that one for you to decide. One thing we do know however, is that although the fashion industry has a part to play in music, music also returns the favour by promoting fashion. Maybe the reason why they work so well together so well is because they sell the same lifestyle whatever that lifestyle may be.

EMBRACE YOUR STYLE

ADETOUN & JACQUI DISCUSS THE WORLD OF FASHION Read more »

The art of fashion needs no introduction: it speaks for itself. Not only is it an established industry, its influence stretches beyond the mundane of clothes, shoes and bags. From the expected to the unexpected mediums of expression; fashion can be found amongst the Madonna’s and Lady gaga’s of music, not to mention the Thatcher’s and Clinton’s of modern day politics. An unusual quartet, don’t you think? The common denominator, their own personal takes on style!

Music may be an obvious instrument of fashion, but politics? Well… ever noticed the focus on a particular female candidate in recent presidential elections? Most of the media attention highlighted the importance of her appearance. Bringing it closer to home… take a little look at the man in charge and his predecessor, one exudes style and charisma, the other doesn’t.

Not to give it all away, the basic gist of this article is to introduce to you a minute section of a very broad subject.

Fashion like everything else has many faces. From haute couture to high street, London to Tokyo, it encompasses a variety of styles, cultures and histories, yet remains true to itself. It proceeds us nevertheless will continue to exist after us, for one reason only. Its recyclability. Whilst appearing to have evolved, its undeniable that certain trends keep making a come back in grand style.

Plates-formes chaussures. Wondering what that is? The platform heels in your closet, of course!

The re-emergence of power dressing in the 1980’s is manifested in today’s fashion in the shape of boyfriend blazers and shoulder pad dresses. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Shift dresses and psychedelic floral prints both circa 1970, leggings from the 80’s and stone washed jeans from the 90’s have all come back better than ever, and with a twist.

Let’s analyse leggings; couture and high street has given us a collaboration of prints textures and materials, giving birth to jeggings, sequin leggings, rubber leggings, PVC leggings… need i say more?

“Fashion is a form of imitation… it differentiates one time from another and one social stratum from another.” – Georg Simmel

Although written in the 50’s, Simmel’s point still resonates with us today. This monkey see, monkey do, behaviour we so unconsciously project is at the very heart of the fashion industry. Negative some may say, because it emanates patterns of conformity, however, the very notion of style itself allows fashion to have an element of individuality. While fashion may be collective, style permits your own unique experience within fashion. Fashion gives you options; your style makes your choice.

Is a fashion faux pas really a mistake? Or just the individuals take on style? Who says you can’t team up a pair of Dr. Martins with neon netted tutus? Or skinny jeans and UGG boots, for men? In this day and age, fashion has become more of a pick and mix sweets stall, the average shopper can combine designer and high street wear and achieve a flawless finish.

Lets get to the good stuff! Like many of the worlds leading cities, London’s unique take on fashion offers us as students the exciting opportunity to sample, take in and enjoy its delights and wonders.

From shopping in Harrods to browsing in Camden market, London is bursting at the seams, but perhaps taking a walk off the well-trodden path and who knows what you’ll discover. East street market, Brick lane, even in your local charity shop (if you live in Mayfair), the possibilities are endless.
So, how about it? You have the opportunity, why not take advantage and who knows? You might enjoy it. You can’t deny it, fashion affects us all, embrace it!

HOMEMADE WEIRDO MOVIES, MULTI-DIMENSIONAL TRAMPS AND A POLISH SHOE MUSEUM

Paul King, esteemed kooky director of the Mighty Boosh talks to PartB Film about his feature debut Bunny and the Bull, not getting paid and what else he’s got in the pipeline. Read more »

Paul King, esteemed kooky director of the Mighty Boosh talks to PartB Film about his feature debut Bunny and the Bull, not getting paid and what else he’s got in the pipeline.

Seeing as this is your first feature film, did you feel apprehensive at all as to how it would be received?

I was shitting it. It’s absolutely the most terrifying thing I’ve done in my whole life. I kind of thought it would be alright, but it wasn’t. Suddenly, I’m doing this proper film, going from working with your mates and lots of people you know to a red carpet and people taking pictures. Me and my girlfriend were in the paper, which read “Director Paul King plus unidentified companion”, like she was some whore I picked up or something! It suddenly all felt a bit proper, and I was really nervous…

If you were given a big budget, would the film have been any different? Are you a Roland Emmerich or Robert Rodriguez?

I really like how it looked, I like the kind of lo-fi and homemade thing. The main thing is people would have been paid… there were so many people working for nothing, like me and the producer. It was a bit of a nightmare, because we needed to make a living and we just didn’t get paid for two years. The newspaper model bit was like six weeks of 30 volunteers from Nottingham Arts School putting it all together. If we had another two million we could have given people a pay check, but it probably wouldn’t have looked any different on screen.

You really can see the art school thing. The whole thing looks amazing. Was it all in your minds eye, or was there an evolutionary process?

I’d feel arrogant to say it’s just how i imagined it. It wasn’t, not at all…like the flat is a nicer version of my flat. I just took lots of things I liked, and stuck it all together really. I wanted a sort of timeless thing, no computers or phones, like in Fantastic Mr Fox, it looked beautiful.

Speaking of Wes Anderson, people are starting to favourably compare you to these directors; Gondry, Gilliam, and the like.

They’re only my childhood heroes (laughs) fucking hell! That’s great! But no, it’s enormously flattering for people not to just go “sub-standard Gondry rip-off!” – I’d rather not have that, but people seem to think it looks good, so I’m proud of that…

This is a move away from the Boosh, exploring darker issues like compulsive gambling, loss and mental health

Yeah… these are much more real people I think. I love the Boosh, obviously, probably more than anyone. It’s wilfully surreal, with bubblegum characters like Betamax Bandit and people with flamingo legs. It refuses to deal in the real world, and this is obviously much more real.

It does touch home in some respects. A lot of us know people like that.

Yeah, a lot of people have had relationships where their best friend was actually a bit of a fuck up and a bastard. Like Bunny is incredibly horrible and really selfish. And I think it’s all about coming to realise that. He’s bad news, and it’s all about moving on.

There seems to be a tendency of TV comics in this country to make that transition onto the big screen and just make a really shit film; Alien Autopsy, Lesbian Vampire Killers, Sex Lives of the Potato men and that. Was that something you were constantly aware and trying to steer clear of?

Weirdly I haven’t seen any of those films…or not so weirdly since they got a fairly bad write-up. But I do think I need to step in on behalf of British cinema. There’s also In the Loop which is really good, Le Donk which is really good. There are obviously lots of good British comedies, all the Python movies… I wasn’t so worried about it, because it isn’t the Mighty Boosh movie, where it has to be a big step up. I thought it would be better to go down the Edgar Wright route, in that we’re not making Spaced the movie, but instead a totally different film. It is its own beast, but hopefully people who like the Boosh will like this.

What was it like writing? Often with comedies you have writing partners, two people, three, four, even five people working on the script. People to bounce off, to moderate ideas.

I did use a lot of people, Richard did a lot of script editing and I had a couple of script editors. It’s quite weird because i always thought I was going to try and bring someone else in, because like you say it’s a good thing to do with two people. And then I thought I’ll just write the treatment, I’ll just write the second draft, ill just do the second draft. and by the time i finished it i sort of thought i just want this to be mine now.

So you preferred the extra creative control?

It’s really different. It’s definitely harder on a personal level. On the Boosh I can go “is this want you want?” But this is a lot more lonely, there’s no one to hide behind. It’s just you. But I wouldn’t have to write if someone came along with a script that allowed for the visual invention. I’d do it in a heartbeat, but they’re hard to come by.

The Boosh is very much a cult phenomenon, whereas now you’ll perhaps be enjoying mainstream success.

Let’s hope so! If it happens it’d be amazing, but how do you know? An obviously something like this is not going to be for everyone. Set in a world made of cardboard and newspaper, there’s going to be some people saying “I will not watch that”. So I really hope people would like it, the more the merrier. I never set out to be fringe. I want everyone to love it! But I’m not worried that it’ll be too Hollywood.

Where did you draw your inspiration for the films distinct aesthetic?

Lots of different things, I definitely had music I was listening to while I was writing. I was listening to lots of Tom Waits, especially Mule Variations. And I really liked Ralfe Band, that slightly gypsy home-madey thing. And lots of visual art really, pinching things from photographers. Obviously there are other films have done things a bit like it, But there aren’t so many films like this that you can just go “I’m gonna watch all the homemade weirdo films”; you can watch them all in an afternoon. Whereas if you go “I’m making a robot takes over the world movie”, there’s a hundred to watch. So it was a little tough to find things.

The film is a road trip. Did you really visit all these places? A Polish shoe museum? That’s real?

Yes. All of them. They are all real, all there in the credits. We had no money, so it’s not like anyone else would go out and take pictures, so me and this photographer spent like six days driving from Brussels to Poland, we were sleeping in the car and it was a fucking nightmare, but it was amazing. The museums were brilliant and there’s so many we didn’t get to, like there’s a museum of birds nests. I mean what is that!?

Where will we see you next?

I’m working on something that’s all about a multi-dimensional tramp, and I’m writing a script of Paddington Bear.

Finally, why should people go and watch Bunny and the Bull?

Because it’s funny and it’s beautiful and its touching, and a lot of people put a lot of love into it.

BUNNY AND THE BULL IS IN CINEMAS NOW

Top Marks

THE IMPORTANCE OF AN EDUCATION Read more »

Director(s): Lone Scherfig. Screenplay: Nick Hornby. Cast: Carey Mulligan, Peter Sarsgaard, Alfred Molina. Runtime: 95 minutes. Cert: 12A. Year: 2009.
PARTB Rating: 3 Stars

An Education is one of those films that takes you to a certain time and place and holds you there in anticipation. It’s an excellent film made so by the lead performance of the young British actress Carey Mulligan. Mulligan is tipped as the face to watch in the coming year and her portrayal of the culturally starved, suburban school girl Jenny warrants such rumours.

Based on a ten page memoir by current Sunday Times journalist Lynn Barber, An Education is set in 1960s Britain before it started swinging. London is still awaiting the arrival of The Rolling Stones, The Beatles, Dusty Springfield and the mini skirt. Instead we are faced with a stilted London still under War rationing; the country is tired and downright dead beat. It is in this context that we meet Jenny, a school girl who dreams of excitement and adventure, of Parisian fantasies, film noir and dressing in black lace.

Jenny’s life is abruptly altered by the arrival of older man David (Peter Sarsgaard) in his red sports car and sun glasses: this is Twickenham exotic.

Immediately drawn to him, she embarks on a friendship that leads her into to a new world of drink and dance, exciting and beautiful acquaintances and ultimately a loss of innocence. Jenny possesses the confidence of youth that defined the generation, but gradually we find her altered by the exposure to the cruelties of the adult world, unsure of her convictions and ultimately yearning for her initial lifelong ambition, to be accepted into Oxford to read English.

The film is a delightful mix of subtle humour and clear cut observations on a period of great change in British culture. David’s friends Danny (Dominic Cooper) and Helen (Rosamund Pike) inject a playful light heartedness into the piece. Rosamund Pike in particular gives a fantastic performance delivering wit and warmth into the beautiful yet intellectually challenged character of Helen.

Nick Hornby spoke of Rosamond Pike as having chased the role of Helen relentlessly, having never been given the opportunity to be ‘funny’ in a role. Her efforts certainly paid off.

Overall the talk about town is right. An Education is a strong film, Mulligan commands her first big screen role with a great display of emotion, her keen ability to control her facial features result in a second language that clearly displays the knowing yet naivety of her role. The only criticism I have of her performance is that she never really allows the audience into her head; we are always watching Jenny from the outside. Whether this is a failure of Mulligan or the script is another issue, it is but a small qualm and will perhaps diminish with more screen time.

The film ends on a light note, as did Lynn Barbers own story. Jenny’s loss of innocence comes also with a tangible sense of hope, potential and a lifetime left for discovery. Will this be the film that makes Carey Mulligan? Nick Hornby certainly thinks so. As he quipped to the director Lone Scherfig, ‘who cares about the pile of novels that I wrote? I’m going to bin them. I’ll be the man who wrote the film that was Carey Mulligan’s breakthrough.’

Staring into Space…

WATCH THE DOCUMENTARY INSTEAD Read more »

Director(s): Grant Heslov. Screenplay: Peter Straughan. Cast: George Clooney, Ewan Mcgregor, Jeff Bridges, Kevin Spacey. Runtime: 90 minutes. Cert: 15. Year: 2009.
PARTB Rating: 2 stars

The Men Who Stare At Goats is a funny film: not laugh-out-loud funny – although it would certain like to think it is; more , it’s funny in that it’s an extremely unusual film. Adapted from the book of the same name, by Jon Ronson, Goats is about the U.S. Army’s exploration of New Age concepts in both the Cold and Iraq wars and the potential military uses of the paranormal.

Ewan McGregor stars as Bob Wilton: a reporter who tries to find himself after his wife leaves him by becoming a war correspondent in post-Hussein Iraq. Sadly he is a giant gaping plot device with no discernible personality in which all the events in the film implausibly happen around. Whilst in Kuwait, and waiting to start reporting ‘on the front line’, Bob meets up with Lyn Cassidy (Clooney) who ends up revealing his secret to him: he’s a psychic spy on a top secret mission. Eager to find some form of action, Bob enthusiastically tags along into the deserts of Iraq.

One of the main problems with the film is that the Bob-Lyn relationship never really goes anywhere. Clooney portrays Lyn not as someone who genuinely believes he has psychic powers (or even, on the other hand, someone who has possible psychiatric issues), but instead like his character in the Coen Brothers’ O Brother, Where Art Thou? In fact, the film feels as if it’s trying to be some war-homage to the Coen brothers’ comedic efforts such as O Brother, Raising Arizona, and Burn After Reading, but unfortunately misses the mark by a back country mile.

The film gets considerably better when Jeff Bridges and Kevin Spacey become involved. Bridges plays Bill Django, the creator of the military psychic spy unit, and revels in his role as a hippie let loose in the military. Spacey plays Larry Hooper, a disgruntled, stuffy science fiction writer drafted into the military who realises there are people who are better than him and can’t cope. The scenes between these two are both the most comic and dramatic. If the film were based more on these people and not the other two expository pieces of crap for characters, the film would be considerably better to show for it.

Goats isn’t completely without merit: Bridges and Spacey perform their parts admirably, and the scene which lends its name to the title is very well done.

Unfortunately, the rest of the film doesn’t do nearly as well due to its focus on the Bob-Lyn relationship (which goes nowhere) and the fact that it tries to cram bits of Coen-style comedy into scenes in which the natural absurdity of the situation should be allowed to shine.

UP TO SCRATCH

JONATHAN STOREY REVIEWS UP Read more »

After seeing the greatness that was WALL-E last year, many people (myself included) thought that Pixar simply couldn’t top themselves. Through the power of animation, and without having to resort to cheap tricks and gimmicks to lure punters in, the Emeryville-based production company created a futuristic world akin to the cinematic greats. Pixar simply couldn’t beat this pinnacle of cinema they’d created…

…and they haven’t: at least not yet. Up is an extremely good film, perhaps the best released this year so far, but fails to meet the extraordinarily giddy heights established by its predecessor. Never producing any ‘Wow!’ moments and becoming the victim of adventure film clichés, Up remains stranded in the ‘very good’ category of Pixar films.

Up tells the tale of recently widowed Carl Fredricksen (voiced by Edward Asner) and his childhood dream of moving his house to the jungle of Paradise Falls in South America. After a tussle with a construction worker over a broken mailbox, the court orders Carl to move into a retirement home. Carl then proceeds to do what any other 80-year-old ex-balloon vendor would do: tie tens of thousands of helium balloons to his house and fly to South America! This scene produces easily the most striking images in the film. Seeing it in trailers however does take out the wow factor that it should have received on the big screen. If you’re reading this without somehow seeing the blitz of Up advertising, you’re very lucky indeed.

The problems soon start for Carl when he realises he has a stowaway in the form of Russell (newcomer Jordan Nagai), a Wilderness Explorer trying to earn his final merit badge for “Assisting the Elderly”. Upon their eventual arrival in South America, more crazy antics ensue when the pair meet Dug (Pixar animator Bob Peterson), a talking dog obsessed with squirrels (Bob Peterson) and Kevin, a flightless (and female) exotic bird. It’s in these characters where the film really shines.

Where the film falls slightly flat is in the final act, where an inevitable chase sequence has to occur in order to get a satisfying ending. It’s done extremely well, and in any other film would be considered a triumph. However, in the tremendously original Up, the final act holds the film back from being considered a classic.

Still, Up is still an extraordinary effort from an extraordinary film studio. Come February next year, the folks at Pixar will surely have another Oscar on their very hefty awards cabinet for their latest effort.

LAME

GEORGINA BUTLER ON THE FAME REMAKE Read more »

“I wanna live forever, I wanna learn how to fly” – “remember” this? The remake of the classic 1980s film Fame follows the trials and tribulations of a new influx of students at the NYC High School of Performing Arts, and promises to deliver a slick, remixed adaptation of the original – but sadly disappoints.
The gritty script devised by Christopher Gore for the original – gaining him an Oscar nomination – is all but gone; all that remains is the shell of a once gutsy plot. The temporal action of the original is mirrored in the 2009 remake, opening with the tough audition stage, and then taking us from freshman year through to graduation. Beyond this, however, Fame offers little in the way of true substance and only delivers the main-stream reality-tv drivel that ‘the suits’ know sells.

Fans of the 80’s version will remember watching the angst-ridden years of growing up within the high-pressure confines of a performing arts school. The film tackled serious issues head-on; among them illiteracy, homophobia, interracial romance, a domineering stage mother, drugs, abortion and suicide. These issues are more than relevant now – yet the remake glosses over the importance of a powerful script and lacks any sense of change or progress as the characters advance through the school.

The little-known actors in the leading student roles portray characters that are vacuous and not particularly talented. Rather than inspiring a new generation of audiences with ambition to succeed at their chosen art form – sweating blood and tears to get to the top purely for the satisfaction of knowing that their hard work is paying off and they will be able to support themselves doing what they love – the students whinge and warble their way through a film that misses the mark.

Kherington Payne, the dance student, is the greatest talent here, contributing the best performances to the film. It’s a shame however that the dance sequences don’t embrace ballet and traditional theatrical styles. Instead a raunchy style (albeit a cleaned-up version) we have grown used to in music videos is quite literally thrust upon us.

Newcomer Naturi Naughton is also a talent to watch out for – her hands glide effortlessly over the keys of a piano when she is under the guise of a classical pianist. Then, give her a microphone and she belts out the songs with the best of them. Despite this, the performance still feels a bit too Disney – a bit too clean, polished and “American Idol”.

With not a legwarmer in sight and the language and content carefully monitored, the end product feels soulless. The new-fangled Fame will appeal to uninformed pre-teens who dream of going to a performing arts school, after having grown up on a habitual diet of reality television talent shows. Anyone who remembers the original Fame or has a passion for performance and an understanding of the devotion and hard work that goes into the performing arts is likely to be disappointed. Another “High School Musical” we did not need – but it would appear that that’s what we have got.

THE TRUTH ABOUT LYING

AHMED PEERBUX puts lying on the polygraph Read more »

Middle-aged loser Mark Bellison (Gervais) lives in an alternate universe where no one can fib. There’s no such thing as fiction; ‘films’ are no more than historical or scientific facts being read out. Check out this months gripping blockbuster: The Invention of the Fork for example. Mark one day discovers he can ‘say something that wasn’t’, by withdrawing more money than he actually has. This initially seems great; a tool that can aid his waning career and non-existent love life. Things get problematic however when he tells his dying mother a comforting white lie about mansions in the sky, only for it to earn him the title of the Messiah, spokesman for the ‘Man in the Sky’.
I’m a big fan of Ricky Gervais. I don’t believe, like some critics do, that he’s over the hill; I believe some of his best days are ahead of him, with a new series of podcasts, Cemetery Junction and Flanimals in the pipeline. But still, I’d be spinning a yarn if I was to tell you his directorial debut is any good.

Lying is so full of contradictions and inconsistencies, you will by the end of it be endlessly nitpicking on technicalities. Think David Brent differentiating into someone similar to Spock; half Vulcan, half human, rather than simply Vulcan. If Mark Bellison lives in a world without lies (and therefore without religion, apparently), why is the Christian calendar used? Why does the Black Plague wreak havoc in the fourteenth century, and not some other arbitrary date? Then there’s Edward Norton’s cameo as a corrupt policeman – how can he even exist in a world without lies?

People aren’t just unable to lie; they are also compelled to tell the absolute truth, in acerbic intricate detail. Anna McDoogles (Garner) orders a Caesar salad, but this isn’t enough; she must also explain to the waiter why she is ordering it, which is because she doesn’t want to be fat. In principle, the idea of people saying exactly what is on their minds at all times sounds hilarious, but instead this merely serves as a platform for puerile playground insults (‘fat faggot’ is one).

Of course, there are also the social satirical undertones, a Gervais hallmark. The Office and Extras were social commentaries on fame, desperation, arrogance, shallowness, jealousy and all the other general unpleasantries of human behaviour. Along with all this, The Invention of Lying explores new territory: religion and advertising.

The pop at religion is altogether banal. We are confronted with that old GCSE favourite: the problem of evil (‘did God cure my cancer?… Did God also give me the cancer?’), and told that religion is simply an opiate of the masses. This fails to bite in the way Life of Brian does, for example when Brian tells his unwanted followers that they need to think for themselves, and that they’re all individuals, only for them to say ‘Yes! We ARE all individuals!’

Coke implores you to buy it “because it’s famous”, and Pepsi hits back with “Pepsi: for when they don’t have Coke”, stripping advertising of all its (unethical) lies to fairly average products. Ironically though the end result feels like a bombardment of product placement. Ever heard of Budweiser and Pizza Hut? You certainly will have done after Lying.

As well as product placements, Lying is also crammed with celebrity cameos. However, the combined comedic prowess of Tina Fey, Jonah Hill, Christopher Guest and Jason Bateman only ends up feels like an attempt to prop up an ailing patient. After all these big Hollywood appearances, the genuinely most fulfilling is from Shaun Williamson: Barry off Eastenders. To be fair though, Rob Lowe’s role as Brad Kessler has a lasting impact: a genuine nemesis; everything that comes out of his square-jawed mouth sounds menacingly sincere, as opposed to Tina Fey’s character’s wash-off petty insults.

In the Ricky Gervais Podcast, Gervais cites Groundhog Day and early Woody Allen films as big influences. Credit to Gervais, Lying does see him move into new territory: the Rom-Com. However, the relationship between Gervais and Garner offers no incentive for audience “ahs”. Clearly, Garner’s character is a vile narcissist who is more concerned with “good genes” than even the most fervent National Socialist eugenicist. Even with all the folky acoustic guitar on the soundtrack (and there is a lot) we still don’t want it to work out for them in the way we do for Bill Murray and Andie MacDowell, or Woody Allen and Diane Keaton.

When writing together, Merchant and Gervais each have a veto, so only the mutually agreed (and therefore best) material is carried forward. Perhaps Merchant’s veto is what was missing on The Invention of Lying.

THE REAL ARTICLE

AHMED PEERBUX ON jOHN CANDY; 1950-1994 Read more »

Somewhere in Mexico, John Candy turned in for a good nights sleep after a triumphant days work on the set of Wagons East. At the age of 43, he never woke up, having suffered a massive heart attack.

John Candy often played characters we probably wouldn’t want anywhere near us. In Planes, Trains and Automobiles, Del Griffith (Candy) is that overzealous salesman we’ve all had the misfortune of dealing with. He has a habit of breaking and/or incinerating anything he touches. He leaves the bathroom in a colossal state. As Uncle Buck, he keeps an axe in his boot and microwaves his laundry dry. Yet still, through John Candy’s unrivalled comic genius and ineffable charm, we find in this seemingly slobbish, overbearing archetype a likeable, or rather loveable, on-screen persona.

His sheer decency and all-round ‘nice guy’ manner under the buffoonery effortlessly transcends the screen, and nestles in our hearts. Indeed the lines between fact and fiction are blurred where John Candy is involved, considering many of his more enduring characters’ traits were taken from his own. It was the late John Hughes who remarked ‘you will never meet a sweeter person’. Bret Gallagher, a close friend of Candy said ‘it didn’t matter if he had to meet heads of state, he’d be as nice or nicer to the waiter.’

He also imported from his own life a primal vulnerability on his characters. In Planes, Trains and Automobiles, perhaps his finest hour, he reminds us that we aren’t alone in feeling lonely, broken and dejected. Better still, his uncompromising optimism and refusal to be a ‘cold-hearted cynic’ is inspiring. When Candy was only five, his father died of a heart attack at thirty-five, leaving him to be brought up by aunts, uncles and grandparents. Later on in life he was conscious of his serious weight problem, and consequently had a fairly fatalistic outlook on life, as if he was on borrowed time.

John Candy will be remembered as one of the all time great comics. His work will stand the test of time because unlike trends in humour, unvarnished, uncomfortable human emotion has a timeless appeal. He wasn’t always sweet with the critics, enduring somewhat of a hit and miss career, but in his better moments he showed a true understanding of what makes a great comedy: it isn’t just something that makes you consistently giggle, its something more profound than that; something that clings to you afterwards, something that takes you all the way to the other end of the emotional spectrum, enabling you to truly appreciate the healing powers of laughter.

Tea-riffic Afternoons

I have decided to pander to a foreigner’s view of British life by focusing this week on the brilliant tradition of afternoon tea, an experience that I know many students at LSE try when arriving in London or when parents are visiting. Words can barely describe my first experience of afternoon tea, after all to a [...] Read more »

I have decided to pander to a foreigner’s view of British life by focusing this week on the brilliant tradition of afternoon tea, an experience that I know many students at LSE try when arriving in London or when parents are visiting.

Words can barely describe my first experience of afternoon tea, after all to a child with a mouth apparently completely filled with sweet teeth what is more exciting that a tier of different cakes and scones and the less exciting but necessary sandwiches which prevent a total sugar coma?

So I have compiled a list of top tea places which vary in price and location, but all of which come highly recommended for your forays into the fine art of taking afternoon tea.

Cheaper but still delicious

St Martin-in-the-Fields
Café in the Crypt
£5.25 per person
Daily at 2.00pm-6.00pm
Served in a landmark church crypt with vaulted ceilings and gravestones on the floor yet wonderfully cheap for such dramatic surroundings.

Bea’s of Bloomsury
£9 per person
Monday to Friday 2.30 p.m. onwards and from noon on Weekends.
Often described as a home away from home and this cosy café also does gluten free cakes!

National Portrait Gallery Café
£15 per person
15:15 – 17:00
Amazing views and featured in the film Closer with Julia Roberts and Clive Owen makes this a must for fans and tourists.

Pricier but Classier

Fortnum and Mason
£32 per person
2-7pm except Sundays 12- 4.30pm.
Elegance is expected from guests to reflect the sumptuous surroundings. There is a huge array of teas and a pianist to set the mood

Berkeley Hotel, Pret-à-Portea
£35 per person
Daily at 1pm to 6pm.
The menu is transformed every 6 months to follow the changing seasons in fashion. This season’s afternoon tea includes designs by Christian Dior, Burberry, Christian Lacroix, Louis Vuitton, and Mulberry.

Ritz
£37 per person
5 daily sittings- 11.30am, 1.30pm, 3.30pm, 5.30pm and 7.30pm
The royalty of tea-time reflected by the need to book 6-12 weeks in advance.

EIGHTEENTH CENTURY EATING

A GLANCE BACK IN TIME Read more »

 

A 2006 BBC documentary gave Hannah Glasse the title, the ‘mother of the modern dinner party’, yet she was so much more than this. She was an illegitimate child of a lawyer turned housewife in Eighteenth century England, who went on to write a cookery book that was a best seller for one hundred and twenty-five years, at a time when women were viewed mainly as maids or mothers. Her success inspired controversy and for a while it was claimed that a man had written the interesting and eloquent cookery book. James Boswell’s diary shows the view of men on the subject when he quoted Samuel Johnson as saying, ‘Women can spin very well; but they cannot make a good cookbook.’ An entrepreneur, when the word was only just coming into existence, Hannah Glasse made, then squandered, more money than many men had made in that time.

The book was written for housewives to give to their servants so they did not have to waste their precious time instructing them. However, if you replace ‘servant’ with ‘student’, I’m sure many would still seek a modernised version of her book today. After all, it is aimed at ‘the ignorant and unlearned’ who will then ‘know how to do cookery well.’ Some recipes can be used when you are feeling particularly frugal due to your bank account somehow hitting red… all you have to do is go down to Trafalgar Square and pick up something grey and when back home turn to page 20 to learn how to broil a pigeon. On second thoughts, pigeon hunting may scare the tourists and lead to some odd questions by the police so best steer clear of that. Yet Hannah Glasse did include some instructions that are still valuable to the clueless cooks of today. I doubt any student needs to know how to spot fresh versus rotten meat, the supermarkets kindly check the quality and then inform you when it will go off. But I know I have come across undated eggs lurking at the back of the fridge and now know that if they ‘swim at the top’ of a pan of cold water they are not suitable for my breakfast.

Most of the recipes will be outdated as they were made to follow in a kitchen with no running water, no gas or electricity and only an open fire to cook on. However, it is possible to update such recipes as Kristin Olsen managed with Eighteenth century recipes in her wonderful cookbook, Cooking with Jane Austen, which contains over 200 recipes based on dishes mentioned in Jane Austen books. Though perhaps many old recipes should be lost in time such as Olsen’s revival of a dish involving liver and crow.

If you have a particular interest in making food the old fashioned way, there is a historical food course run by food historian Ivan Day, which includes making fresh strawberry ice-cream using the original Eighteenth century methods. Apparently it was around that time that George Washington fell head over heels for the frozen dessert after being served it at a dinner party hosted by Mrs Alexander Hamilton. You can also travel back in time by visiting the childhood home of William Wordsworth in Cockermouth to experience everyday life, including cooking, in a Georgian era family house.

CHEAP EATS IN LONDONTOWN

THE SEARCH IS ON FOR VICTORIA TERRY Read more »

I have a small food problem… I am addicted to voucher deals. I very nearly overdosed on Pizza Express during the fabulous months of their buy-one-get-one-free (or BOGOF for you future Marketers). Yet their new £10 meal voucher leaves me cold… I neither want nor need a starter on top of a main, and quite frankly their attempts to speed me towards a larger waist and extract an extra fiver out of my purse are not appreciated.
I long for my five pound Pizza Express meal. But is it too much to ask for a decent dinner for a fiver in London? I am on a one-woman quest to find out. I could be drawn into the world of fast food and dirty looking restaurants in this search but I will stay strong, aiming for the best dining experience possible in acceptable surroundings armed with a single green note (for the Americans out there this is a fiver, not one of your lot). The challenge… a whole week of cheap eats in central London!

My first stop was the Internet, aided by the suggestions of voucher websites, I rejoiced in the numerous delicious meals beckoning. But then I felt like I was cheating. After all they could play a dirty trick like Pizza Express and rip these vouchers away leaving me craving my favourite which is now at double the price. So I decided only real deals, no temporary temptations, would do.

I soon realised that it is perhaps too much to ask for in the classy Covent Garden and no amount of longing will force Wagamama to make their 2-4-1 full time. So on a helpful tip I headed off to Gower Street and here I struck cheap dinner gold, not one but two delicious dining experiences on one street. First, there is Icco’s or as it is more commonly known ‘the three pound pizza place’. In fact prices have been raised as it is now £3.50 for a margherita but this is still definitely a bargain for it was delicious! Some may class Icco’s as a fast food joint due to the speed and the lack of service which makes you feel like you are eating on a production line. Not to mention the stainless steel tables and chairs which are worse than the ones found in schools. Nevertheless, I had a great pizza sitting with friends in a not too shabby restaurant for only £3.50. The search was off to a good start. Things got even better with my next find, Benito’s Hut, once again a self-service establishment but the atmosphere and decoration of the restaurant are far superior and the burritos cannot be beaten… they only cost a fiver!

Another helpful hint sent me towards Soho in search of the ‘Veg Buffet’. I could now feast on my five-a-day for only £3.50. What a success, not only did I have enough money left for a coke but my move away from meat was a step eco-warriors would certainly approve of.

My final area of choice has to be Edgware Road. First stop Beirut Express for a perfect Shish Taouk wrap (the classier version of a schwama made from pieces of chicken instead of slightly greasy slices off a rotating meat skewer) at the bargain price of £3.75. With many different choices of wraps available for under a fiver it is a must go for the penny pinchers who appreciate delicious food. The second restaurant I have been recommended is Mandalay, a surprisingly good Burmese restaurant, where you can get a vegetable noodle dish for £4.40 or if you feel like splashing out a chicken and vegetable noodle dish for £5.90.

All in all I would say my search has been a success. I have eaten out every night of the week without jeopardising purchasing those perfect boots in Topshop. I felt pretty good about myself until a friend pointed out that it was all very well finding cheap eats out but the true credit crunch munch was all about eating in, not out, think come dine with me with people you know. Momentarily put out, I soon sniffed out the challenge hidden within those wise words… be the best cook on one night while enjoying three or four free meals on others. Now who shall I call…

ALL IS FAIR IN OVEN WAR

THE DISASTROUS CULINARY EXPLOISTS OF LUKE SMOLINSKY Read more »

Cooking. It’s hard work, innit? I don’t have a problem with cooking. I just can’t chop, peel or open a tin.
Making food for yourself: who ever thought it’d be so difficult?! You think it’d be a hell of a lot easier for an activity designed to sustain life. If you ask me, the Lord was jolly silly making this basic activity so tricky. I mean, how are we meant to solve world hunger if it takes five minutes to open a tin of tomatoes? Africa’s screwed.

You know what’s the most difficult? Chopping onions. Onions were clearly not designed to be eaten. You have to hack into them while they slip all over the surfaces, unravelling themselves of their own accord – what’s more – blinded by tears streaming down your face. Trying to cut into them is like doing a Bushtucker Trial in the Underworld. Onions are, essentially, the devil’s testicles. They’re slippery, unsavoury, and you can’t make an incision of any kind without the forces of evil beckoning tears from thine eyes. What more proof do you need? They’re Beelzebub’s bollocks!

If chopping is hard, opening a tin is even harder. It turns out, by the way, that I had the tin-opener the wrong way round on this particular occasion. (I wasn’t holding the cutting part – I’m not a complete moron.) But in any case, the bolognese was on the boil and I had no way of getting into this tin. So I decided that, to get this meal cooked, I needed help. No – I didn’t ring the fire brigade. I decided to knock on the doors of my neighbours. Bearing in mind I’d never met any of them, this was pretty daring, considering their first impression of me would be an unshaven man with a tin in his hands. But desperation had set in. And when that happens, I am liable to do anything.

Flat 1A. Knock, knock. No reply. Flat 2. I knock again. Nothing… I reach Flat 6. Exhausted. Knock, knock. Bloody nothing. I descend five flights of stairs with the tin tightly sealed. Before retiring to eat Alpen, I decided to give Flat 1A another go. Bingo! They’re in! They could’ve answered the first time, but not to worry, ‘cos I’ve found my man! This saviour of an apathetic student! “Alright mate?” For some reason, I turn up the posh dial to number 11: “Hello! Terribly sorry, but I can’t quite open this tin of tomatoes! Do you mind awfully if I…?” He lets me in. I’m not sure why I turned unnecessarily posher there. Maybe because he was wearing a hoodie? In any case, he noticed that I was the chap with the ‘Indian chicks’ (he qualified it by saying ‘Indian-looking chicks’ so I disregarded the marginal racism) and he lent me his new spangly tin-opener. Success! I love this guy! What he thinks of me is another matter…

I would say that opening a tin without a tin-opener is probably trickier. You see, earlier in the week, we didn’t have one. And I kept forgetting that we didn’t have one. Leading to me having to apply five plasters to my thumb. Here’s how: I was about to cook sausage and beans. What I actually cooked was burnt onions, underdone sausages, tomatoes and a hell of a lot of blood. It’s a lot harder than it sounds; it was a Gordon Ramsay ‘Fast Foods’ recipe, meaning you have to make the sauce yourself. I’ve got a better idea for a ‘Fast Foods’ recipe, Gordon: buy the sausage and beans. Done.
So the bad news is that it’s not fast food at all: it took me forty-five minutes. The good news is that, admittedly, I did start speaking like Gordon Ramsay (that was the part where blood was spurting all over the kitchen worktops). The problem was, how do you get into a tin, without a tin-opener? My utensil of choice was: a kitchen knife. I was merrily stabbing away, before shortly realising that I had bought a peeled tomatoes, not chopped tomatoes (when I tried to return the tins to Sainsbury’s the next day, the woman refused to refund me, insisting I was trying to make a 2p profit. On four tins.) The ultimatum now was, how do I make a large enough hole in the tin? My preferred utensil of choice was: my thumb. It was at this point that I added an extra ingredient to Gordon Ramsay’s meal: B-positive blood.

How did I get to the stage in my life where I could solve a differential equation but couldn’t open some Sainsbury’s Basics Tinned Tomatoes? Surely something’s gone wrong somewhere. I find comfort in what Emil Nolde said: “Clever people master life; the wise illuminate it and create fresh difficulties.” That’s true, but I’m sure you never saw Solomon cut half his thumb into the tomato sauce.

CAN I HAVE A FRIEND PLEASE?

LOUISA EVANS SAYS THANKS FOR THE FRIENDS SHE FOUND Read more »

Making friends at university is a social minefield. In fact it’s even more nerve-wracking than trying to snare a mate. For if your friends reflect badly on you, this makes the mate-snaring all the more difficult. Not to mention the need to have a pool of fabulous friends to give you alternately crap and good advice when said mate is messing you around. The rules and bonds of friendship are sacred. As Oscar Wilde said, ‘anybody can sympathise with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathise with a friend’s success.’ There are crimes friends can commit that can be worse than those of a philandering partner and in a matter of moments years of friendship disappear down the toilet.

During my daily fix of Hollywood gossip, declining multiple email offers of Viagra (they know me so well) and choosing the best of several horoscopes that I get sent direct to my email account, I found a blog written by a thirty-something about friendship. Or, as it seemed in her case, a lack thereof. The gist of it was that of her 3 friends, one had moved out of the same transport zone, one had come out and was busy discovering herself and the other had totally outgrown her. So she was after any advice on how to go about meeting and making new friends.

This is tragic on two levels: One, the blogger was essentially asking the wider world to be her friend, or at least tell her where she might find one; and two, instead of actually going out there to make friends, she sat in front of the computer, reinforcing all the anti-social stereotypes that come with being so dependent on the bloody machine in the first place. To be fair, she was clearly scared shitless of re-airing all her dirty laundry. Not that that this the recommended method for making new friends: ‘Hello there, I barely know you but in order for us to have a long and lasting friendship I feel compelled to tell you about my brief stint in hospital and the invasive treatment of my colon.’ This camp of people believe that sooner or later it’s all going to come out anyway and as this new person still doesn’t know them particularly well and wasn’t there when it happened, is prone to being a trifle more judgemental than the galpal circa 2002. So they decide to be done with it, share all the horrid stuff and if the silly mug on the receiving end sticks around, they know they’ve got themselves a true friend. Either that or the silly mug has a fetish.

Thankfully I am not thirty-something, (though as one of my friends kindly pointed out this week my next ‘big’ birthday will be my 30th whereas hers will be her 21st) but alas, I have been on the friendship hamster wheel time and time again.

Contrary to popular belief I did not end up at boarding school because my parents didn’t love me, (at least that’s what they say) it was to provide a bit of stability as I had been to 3 schools in as many years- ah the merry life of the forces. This basically meant that by the age of 12 I was a connoisseur of small talk (read precocious) and had ‘friends’ all over the place. It also meant, though, that by the time I was 14 I had actually become rather cynical. I knew swapping emails was not really going to cut it and despite the endless hours of giggling, note-swapping in class and proud declarations of being BFFs, it was quite depressing to realise I would not be best friends with them forever. Then came the magic of Facebook and so I’m once again in touch with these former BFFs, mainly through the pull of nostalgia and yes, a little bit to do with upping my friend count. Of those I actually still meet rather than just occasionally ‘share’ a wallpost with, it’s alarming how little we have to say to each other. We have nothing in common save our shared history and when it comes down to it, that’s not really enough except for a general bullet-point list from My Life Over The Past 6 Months.

But once my 15 year-old self got used to the bizarre, unique and often invasive proximities of the boarding house, the friends I made there have been and will probably remain some of the best I have ever made. A true measure of friendship is, we discovered, daring someone to get into their trunk to see if they fit, closing it and throwing them down the stairs and still talking to you afterwards. We also realised by the end of 6th form that really we had very little in common except that our parents lived in a country far from where we had been deposited. But unlike our ‘pre-big-school’ friendships we had a few more life experiences and those were strong enough, or scarring enough, to keep us together. (What happens in the House, stays in the House. That kind of thing.)

So then we get to Fresher’s Week. Unsurprisingly, I can’t really remember what happened, or how I met the people I now consider my friends. It seems that I woke up one morning and there they were. And for the more salacious-minded of you, I don’t mean literally ‘there’; I mean ‘there’ as in my phonebook and replying, quite happily it seemed, to my invitation for lunch at 1 in the Quad. Three years down the line and my bestest buds are a few from halls and those I happened to talk to in my first classes, (plus a few others along the way). But doing Fresher’s Week as a proper Fresher is totally unique. Even we oft-reserved British folk get off our seats (and faces) and chat, somewhat desperately to everyone, anyone. In fact you get so carried away introducing yourself to people you have to remind yourself not to strike up conversation with the gentleman sat next to you on the tube. But it seems that doing a Masters is a whole different ball game. I still report my first encounter with an LSE Masters student with horrified glee: Door opens part-way. ‘Hi. My name is Marcus. I live in the room next door. I just graduated from Durham. I’m not looking for friends.’ Door shuts. And based on tales from friends doing Masters here this year, not a lot has changed. Except for the Americans. What a super-friendly bunch…as long as you too are a rootin’-tootin’, beer-ponging Yank.

Avoid the peak of friendship making. When it seems too much of a hassle and you would rather stick with the reassuringly familiar, persevere. Be warned fair reader, the tale of the 3-friended 30-something. Don’t become her.

CITY DWELLERS

LOUISA EVANS ACCEPTS THE STEREOTYPES Read more »

Location, location, location. So very true. While we may have a few years left yet before choosing the correct catchment area based on schooling, right now it’s fun to watch the walking the stereotypes lurking in each area. London also has a bizarre magical power for transporting an aimless wanderer from a rather nice, well to-do avenue to a you-better-run-for-your-life street. I’m sure no other city in the world has a looser ‘Good To Dodgy’ grid than the Big Smoke.

Please be upstanding for the raging London stereotypes, the try-hard, the hippie and the just plain ugly:

Angel: probably houses the most eclectic mix of Londoners it has truly ‘upped and comed’ and can provide for just about any individual, and the evidence to support such a statement? Its Supermarkets: it has an Iceland and a Waitrose. Thus bringing us onto…

The greater Islington area: home to our dear mayor, solicitors, bankers, students, and yummy mummys. To be honest it’s really quite similar to the Royal Borough except the toffs are interspersed with a few more talented tradesmen. Islington can be quite ‘boho chic’ and has lots of simply fabulous vintage clothing stores. A darling treat is ‘Screen on the Green’, an independent and intimate little cinema that’s particularly good ‘round the holidays as it shows old seasonal movies.Beware of some areas, don’t go too far East (see Hackney) and King’s Cross still holds proudly to its ‘lady of the night’ past. Cue awful jokes from your father about standing too close to red traffic lights. Guffaw guffaw.

Kensington and Chelsea: swarming with posh twats. See top left hand picture for a vague idea. (It’s OK for me to say that ‘cos I’m sort of halfway there, I used to live in Fulham you know.) If you live here, you’re likely to be called Hugo, Humphrey or Venetia and have a pretty sizeable trust fund. you’re also probably pretty bitter about ‘the Crisis’ as it’s limited your weekly blow-dry/tennis-lesson/ability to have an illicit affair. Some redeeming qualities: the V&A, Hyde Park and Stamford Bridge, though if you’re a Chelsea fan it merely adds insult to injury.

Edgware Road: if you live here you probably like a bit of hustle and bustle…and couldn’t afford Marble Arch or Oxford Street. ‘Little Cairo’ or ‘Little Beirut’ is famous for its varied and numerous ethnic food shops; Iranian comic, Omid Djalili described it as ‘after Damascus, Medina and Mecca, is probably the most Islamic place on the planet’ and consequently couldn’t get his head round the agenda of the July7th bombers.

Haringey: leave. Right now. Your council is appalling. You’ll probably have to pay council tax. Twice.

Hampstead: You probably prefer the quiet life and consider entering central London an unwelcome trek. Hampstead is a little village within London; all quaint cafes and neat shops and home of the Heath. Horse-y people live round these here parts and the yummy mummy reaches perilous heights.

Hackney: quite a diverse space, with one of the largest Turkish populations in London and really quite an anti-social distance from just about anything. parts of it are great for that ‘I’m gonna slice you quality’. I’m told though that some ares are quite charming and ‘really quite safe’ and is probably tipped as yet another up and coming area. I wouldn’t believe it.

Peckham: cash-flow problems? I don’t know many people who have the stomach for living here, what with the bars on the windows, so if you do dwell here you are either a bit mental or enjoy living with the taste of fear in your mouth.This joyous neighbourhood hasn’t really come very far from the days of Del Boy and Rodney. Apparently shattered glass on the floor (from the likes of car windows etc) is affectionately referred to as Peckham Diamonds.

Westminster: if you’re not a politician what are you doing here? Possibly the dullest place in London; nothing is open after 10pm as the area caters only for wandering, eager-eyed tourists and business professionals. Although it’s good to know that Robert Dyas is open as late as 7 on Thursdays.

Willesden Junction: to be honest I don’t really know that much about this locale but the one person I do know who lives there affectionately calls it ‘Willy J’, which is just too fabulous. and it has strong ties to Ireland apparently. Obviously the place to head for St Paddy’s Day then.

Notting Hill: its pretty mews, colourful houses and excellent shopping make it one of the most desired places to live by the riche, nouveau riche and Bohemians alike. Portobello Market is a London institution and the charity shops here can yield amazing treasures. Imperial have halls of residences here, lucky buggers.

L.S.SLEAZE

WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF ALICE PELTON HAD A SEX CHANGE? I don’t advise you read this article. What follows is dishonourable in the same way that fox hunting is dishonourable. It amounts to bullying. The poor fox doesn’t stand a chance. Neither does this author. Unlike our vulpine fugitive, however, this vermin sprung himself. We’ve been [...] Read more »

WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF ALICE PELTON HAD A SEX CHANGE?

I don’t advise you read this article. What follows is dishonourable in the same way that fox hunting is dishonourable. It amounts to bullying. The poor fox doesn’t stand a chance. Neither does this author. Unlike our vulpine fugitive, however, this vermin sprung himself. We’ve been getting e-mails for weeks asking us to review this book. Apparently a copy was sent to the Beaver office. It’s since – worryingly – disappeared. Luckily, there are a couple of chapters posted online. I can’t guarantee the digital word is, verbatim, that printed. I can guarantee it’s not going to morph into Tolstoy on the page.

I’ve spent whole minutes of my life trying to unearth the real name of this guy, not least because I didn’t want to besmirch my Google search bar with his pseudonym. Aaron Sleazy (A.S.S henceforth) is the disquietingly proud author of Sleazy Stories: Confessions of An Infamous Modern Seducer of Women (S.C.A.M.S from now). On his website, A.S.S informs us that his credentials ‘include an MSc from the London School of Economics’. It might come as a surprise that not all LSE grads become world-leaders, bankers or astronauts. Some take the path less travelled by: they become pick-up artists.

The chapter I read is called “Do you want to fuck me?” I don’t even want to read this, so we are not off to a good start. Besides, it’s a misleading title because nobody ends up having sex. One night, A.S.S goes off to a club called The End, apparently on his own, where he spots a familiar group of pick-up wizards. They too have changed their names to make themselves sound more like superheroes: ‘One of them, Dr Yen, walked up to me to tell me I was a monster. My reputation apparently exceeded my actual level of skill’. A.S.S is modest enough to admit that his skill-level (he frequently refers to himself as if he were a Top Trump) is not, yet, ‘Monster’. I suddenly find myself fascinated by the Pick-Up Skill-Scale. What’s below Monster? Vampire Bat? And then what? Poisoned Frog? Field Mouse? I sense A.S.S rates himself as a Fanged Barracuda, but it would be nice for him to spell it out.

In fact, A.S.S is always leaving out tantalizing pieces of information. Like here: ‘“I need some drugs. Do you have some coke?” she suddenly asked. (I don’t do drugs, even though many believe the opposite to be the case).’ Do they? Why’s that then? Or here: ‘Later on she even said that she wouldn’t need anything tonight. However, I have reason to suspect that she snorted a line somewhere in between’. Do you? What reason? The sneaky Sleaze always keeps us guessing. It’s cute how he likes to make himself sound like a detective though (‘I have reason to believe…the opposite is the case’, and so on. Over and over).

That modesty I mentioned earlier doesn’t last, mind. Here’s A.S.S after leaving with a girl he ingeniously nicknames ‘Sunshine’: ‘After we got off the bus she wanted to buy some chocolate at a nearby gas station. This was when I realised that I only had one condom with me. I wanted to stock up and get a couple of extra large ones but they did not have any. Instead I bought some regular ones, but those usually lead to a rather bad experience.’ Poor A.S.S – like forcing a baby into a balloon. I completely understand. I’ve found that a well-restored 14th Century cannon, a prosthetic arm or a tube of Pringles – preferably paprika – does the trick in an emergency.

The Pringles should particularly appeal. Aaron Sleazy is also Aaron Quite Hungry. He’s forever eating. Here he is, safely back at Sunshine’s place: ‘I still played it cool. Instead I should have pinned her down and railed her right there. We took a break to eat some more. Because I felt stuffed I lied down and we cuddled for bit’. OK – so the retrospective rape-wish ruins the effect of the snuggy embrace, but we can forgive him that. Cookies, anyway, are still the way to a Monster’s heart.

My favourite quote from A.S.S’s chapter is also the most confusing. Out of nowhere, A.S.S gleans a weird and wonderful insight into his own complicated moral maze. At least, I think he does: ‘I liked this girl. I used to think that women who treat you nicely only do so because they don’t want to feel like sluts. However, I have later learnt that they have no scruples about using you only for your penis if this is all they desire. I was too concerned about “being in control” and thus acted aloof. This meant that I blew a chance to get to know someone as a person.’ I don’t really understand this, but I am now worried – this is turning into Jane Eyre. Has our arch-player gone soft – literally?

Luckily we’ve nothing to fear. A paragraph later and A.S.S is over it and back in action. This time he means business: “I grabbed her hair and fucked her head with a few good thrusts”. Nice bit of headfucking there. Sunshine begins to morph into a horse undergoing a medical examination: “I kept a grip on her blonde mane and yanked her head back and forth while I was administering forceful thrusts with my pelvis”. He then administers two milligrams of morphine and prescribes some antihistamines.

Soon after, Sunshine experiences a devastating orgasm that arrives ‘in multiple waves’ and leaves thousands without food or shelter. A.S.S’s honesty here is not only commendable, it’s hilarious: ‘She may even have squirted a little bit. I am quite sure that a small load splashed against the palm of my hand but I could not verify it because she had only lit some candles.’ A.S.S’s need to empirically verify Sunshine’s seasonal downpour proves one thing: you can take the pick up artist out of the LSE, but you can’t take the LSE out of the pick-up artist.

‘Sleazy Stories: Confessions of An Infamous Modern Seducer of Women’ by Aaron Sleazy is, it turns out, at Alice Pelton’s house. She was going to write about it this week but opted to describe anal ovulation instead. Turn to the back page for a drip by drip account of this miracle of rectal expulsion. Incidentally, if you do find you’re missing any of your porn magazines, sex toys or shit-specked petri dishes, it’s always worth checking with A.P before making the long walk to lost property. (But I do love her).

CAT-NIP JUNKIE

WHY BILL BURROUGHS WAS A TOTAL PUSSY Read more »

Writers spend a lot of time at home, in silent rooms, staring at paper. In these eerie vacuums, the chirr and grind of an HP printer becomes as loud as the CERN particle collider ingesto-regurgitating its own atomic excrement. The unexpected appearance of a sparrow at the window can be genuinely terrifying, similar to when window-cleaners force coitus interruptus (usually sans coitus, in my case) by appearing without warning on the wrong side of the fenetre. Writers are strange creatures, loathing distraction, craving life. A screaming infant is repulsive, a doting but uninteresting spouse, anathema. Pets, on the other hand, are just right.

Listening to writers go on about their animals is a bit like listening to fortysomething housewives go on about their kids. One does rather suspect the topic to be a symptom of lack rather than affluence in terms of sentient-life-capital. And yet writers aren’t that predictable. William Burroughs’s The Cat Inside is as much a psycho-paean to human cosmologies as it is a tender rumination on his (vast) collection of strays. And what of all the hybridised texts – Hesse’s Steppenwolf, Will Self’s Great Apes or Kafka’s Metamorphosis? These books are concerned with one very particular animal, and it’s not a wolf, or a baboon, or a beetle.

People who read Burroughs tend to read The Naked Lunch, and nothing else. Two reasons. Firstly, once read, people feel they’ve ‘done’ Burroughs, and need never return (a bit like how salty teenagers tell you they ‘did’ Argentina when all they really did was ‘get done’ by a night-clerk in an expensive Buenos Aires hostel). Secondly, there’s nothing more likely to put someone off reading William Burroughs, than reading William Burroughs. The Naked Lunch is, in my opinion, Burroughs at his alienating, reader-repelling, incentive-destroying best. But the next time you’re in the book shop, let your Water-stoned eyes wander a little further through the fiction section, and you might come across a slight, light, mighty gem of a book. The Cat Inside is about ninety paragraphs long – you can read the whole thing on the tube journey home.

William Burroughs was a cat-man. This appeals to me. Allergic though I am to the scrawny little bastards, I own two. I’ve always been slightly repelled by the deference of the dog – its pawing, panhandling a-persona. It says a lot about a person that they prefer dogs to cats – as Burroughs says, ‘Man molded the dog in his own worst image…self-righteous as a lynch-mob, servile and vicious, replete with the vilest coprophagic perversions…and what other animal tries to fuck your leg?’ (The Dumbledores at Time Magazine claim this is a book full of ‘heartwarming anecdotes’, which rather suggests they didn’t make it past page ten before closing shop and leaping to a conclusion. Even Burroughs says it’s ‘an allegory, in which the writers past life is presented to him in a cat charade’).

Cats retain a certain purity of Being, for Burroughs. They understand the nature of relationships as being predicated – Marx wouldn’t like this – on some form of exchange, regardless of content. Dogs, on the other hand, aspire to something like morality, and in the process become man’s ‘best’ friend, his bumbling servant, his fumbling Hennimore.

We tend to associate Burroughs with dystopian futures or twice-removed apocalyptical otherworlds – arid Interzones. But Burroughs is as much about the receding road as he is the approaching horizon, a fact that creeps through this moggy meditation like a hieroglyphed coffin in an ancient funeral procession. Burroughs postulates that ‘cats started as psychic companions, as Familiars, and have never deviated form this function’. Some cerebral interlink – a cognitive affiliation wound up in cosmic time – crosses between the minds of cats and humankind alike. It is this intellectual laterality that allows for a strange, history-bound harmony, something you don’t find with other animals and the odd manoeuvring of responsibilities demanded by their neediness. Man and cat alike is bound in Time, and through it both are linked to all that has passed and all that is yet to be. When a cat called Ruski injures itself, the cry it makes is ‘a sad, plaintive voice of lost spirits, the grief that comes from knowing you are the last of your kind.’ Burroughs is as savvy to the immemorial as he is the in memoriam – as psychic companions his pets are also front-seat riders on a winding highway of dark and doom-laden moments, spots of time that stretch back far beyond living memory.

But a good reason to read The Cat Inside that isn’t to do with cosmic frequencies or temporal trajectories, is that it’s funny. Burroughs muses on whether cats write signs like hoboes to mark their turf: ‘FUCKING CAT HOUSE’, and breaks from his dyspeptic canine abuse to remark how bollocks bunnies are too: ‘They aren’t cute at all, even the little ones. All they do is make stupid, galvanic attempts to get out of your hands, and big rabbits can give you a very nasty bite.’ If you want an introduction to Burroughs the humorist, the moralist, the sage, The Cat Inside isn’t a bad place to start. So long as we think of Burroughs’s texts as psychotic perambulations, and his life as a mystery and a mess, we will forever see him as a different breed indeed, a vagrant species. The Cat Inside suggests, to the contrary, that there is more of him in us, and more of us all in each other, than we might previously have supposed: ‘All you cat lovers, remember all the millions of cats mewing through the world’s rooms lay all their hopes and trust in you.’ Cat owners of the world UNITE! You have nothing but your rat-problem to lose.

P.S. I should apologise to anybody who read last week’s column (I realise I’m being optimistic here), and noticed how at one point I had misspelt Ireland, Island. This was an elementary gaff wrapped up in my wondering whether Ireland was called Ireland for the same reasons that an orange is called an orange; i.e. when they were deciding what to call it, did the Irish simply get stuck, name it after what it is (an island), and then misspell Island? I’m yet to receive a satisfactory answer to this question.

Third Time Unlucky

CHETAN BAGHAT IS ERRONEOUS! Read more »

“The biggest-selling English-language novelist in India’s history” – New York Times. I really hope not! If I had to recall the three mistakes of my life, after number one and two, reading this book could creep into third place. The author wrote three other books, and I don’t intend on reading any of them. Having read two other Indian authors, namely Rana Dasgupta and Arvind Adiga, I can vouch that Chetan doesn’t fall even remotely near to their standards. Rana Dasgupta wrote a very interesting piece of literature entitled Solo, an extremely convoluted story but he mastered the art of capturing ones imagination. Arvind Adiga is on the rise with his famous The White Tiger which was pure genius. His descriptions are virtual simulations of life in the sub-continent. Someone who hasn’t lived there will get a vivid image of the real life in India whilst people from the region can smile knowingly. But enough about the fallacies of the New York Times’ comments.

A bit of background about the author. He is an IIT/IIM-A graduate. To non-Indians that won’t make any sense, but basically he graduated from the toughest engineering university in India where only 2% of the applicants are taken in annually. Then he went on to pursue his MBA from the best business school in India. Essentially, the guy is very smart. But this doesn’t show in the book. I guess it was a disaster in the making considering he is an investment banker. They don’t really have time for relationships which happens to be the theme of the book; how can he comment on friendships, secret affairs and Hindu-Muslim conflicts? A quote from the fellow in question: “I’m a banker; I can’t get numbers out of my head.” Precisely why you probably shouldn’t write a book?

The book commences with a group of friends: Govind, Ishaan and Omi. The first is ambitious, the second a sports fanatic and the third a religious hardliner. Characteristically male-Indian-teenagers fall into at least one of these categories. The plot begins with Govind getting a business idea, tapping into the cricket obsession in Ahmedabad which allows his vela (idle) friends to do something in life. The 3 mistakes which this book revolves around are Govind’s – the protagonist in the novel – displaying the twists and turns not only of running a business but of becoming an adult. Although a very responsible character he makes mistakes, allowing us to reflect on the imperfect nature of humans, realizing that: yes we also do make mistakes. Perhaps the only interesting point about the story was Govind’s character, how it evolves as the world around him changes, molding and morphing. Ishaan and Omi’s characters lack depth and are highly predictable. Frankly after the first 50 pages, the story is crystal clear. Twists such as a secret love affair with the best friend’s sister are thrown in for spice. How cliché. Vidya, Ishaan’s sister has an interesting character, she happens to be the most amorous person (to put it in the most polite way) alive! It adds some comic humor in the book at the expense of becoming sleazy, but that is to be expected. At the same time we see nothing of the relationship of the siblings, perhaps that is what the author is trying to highlight that the brother and sister relationship is defunct, but in a book about relationships this particular one would have added value. Typically, the atypical isn’t added in.

The ending of the book is very rapid, almost too rapid, and you have to slow your mind down to appreciate the flow of events. Although inspired from a true story, to capture the impact of the moment a different approach could have been taken. Having said that, the conclusion of the book is appealing and forces thoughts into your mind. In certain books you want a definitive ending and the lack thereof frustrates the reader, however in this case it provides the required mental stimulation which had been lacking throughout the book.

Perhaps I am being a bit harsh, but with such great quality books out there, one is hard done by if time is wasted reading books like this. Faran Akhtar (noted Indian director/producer) plans to make a movie out of this, which could fare better then the book. Personally I feel books often outshine movies by miles,we can only hope this will be a notable exception. I would only recommend this book to those who want to know how bad books can get; clearly something was missing. Hopefully Chetan will find some inspiration, and write more interesting literature in the future.

PHONEY IN THE RYE

A SEQUEL TO THE CATCHER IN THE RYE MAKES US ALL LOOK LIKE IDIOTS, WRITES GARETH LEWIS Read more »

I I can well imagine a period of time when having your book banned by the paper police might have been a big deal. I’ve little doubt that the first public reading of Allen Ginsberg’s Howl – captured in all its tantric anarchism in the pages of Kerouac’s Dharma Bums – really was quite the event. I’m still very taken by the idea of Burroughs in Tangiers, gibbous-eyed and crooked over his typewriter, stewing a postmodern nightmare in the grim cauldron of his mind. Without a doubt, he knew that novels had narks too, always on the lookout for junk to cell. But all the fuss about Dorian Gray just seems a bit embarrassing now, as does the expurgatory fondling of Lady Chatterley’s Lover. Was that really us? Did a bit of sepulchral buggery and a little wood amidst the trees really make us mad? In a time where, strangely, every book is both freely available and completely forbidden – for what novel is not accessible, illegally, on the internet? – censoring, silencing or outright condemnation is just, well, a bit naff really.
Which is one of the many reasons why a man who calls himself J.D California is a spectacular prick. For those of you who don’t, won’t or can’t read (if this is you, you’re probably in the wrong section, by the way), here are a couple of pieces of information you’ll need in order to make any sense of what follows. Firstly, in 1951 a man called J.D Salinger wrote a novel called The Catcher In The Rye. It became a classic and is now a GCSE exam-board favourite (the alternative for most British 16-year olds is Educating Rita, a double-edged sword if you ask me, though perhaps more of a dual-pointed, used, soggy, sodden, spinached, toothpick). Secondly, earlier this year a sequel to Catcher was published, written by a man called J.D California. And therein lies the problem – these are two very different J.D’s (to clarify, that Womble-face off of Scrubs is another, totally different person). J.D Salinger didn’t write this sequel, nor did he want it written. Nor, dear readers, does he want it read. Hence the importance of Nietzsche. Apologies – hence the big red sticker on the front of my copy that says, like some terrible Springstein tribute, ‘BANNED IN THE U.S.A’. Salinger took California to court, and won.

This silly book by this silly man has a silly title. It’s called ‘60 Years Later: Coming Through the Rye’. Yuk. Sounds like a chapter from old Chatterley. But it doesn’t end there. An awkward sub-sub-title and whimpering apologia follows: ‘An Unauthorized Fictional Examination of the Relationship Between J.D. Salinger and his Most Famous Character’. By the time you’ve dragged your screaming eyeballs across all this, you don’t care if it’s ‘A Fictional Re-Daydreaming of an Imagined Fantasy in Which Harry Potter joins the BNP and Appears on Question Time Wearing Nothing But The Emperor’s New Clothes and a Pair of J.K. From Jamiroquai’s Lace Pantaloons’. You really don’t (spot the Salengerism?).

And then, of course, there’s his name. What kind of a Saved-By-The-Bell nom de plume is J.D California? This palm-tree parable all gets a lot less exotic when we learn that the author is actually a Swede called Fredrik Colting. Joyously, the only quote I could find from this snivelling idiot was the following: ‘I am not a pirate’. What I want to know is, why the hell not? We’re all pirates now, J.D, and if you’re not one of Us then you’re one of Them.

But perhaps this quote was taken out of context. Perhaps he’d just arrived at a fancy-dress party garbed as a musketeer, and an already soused host had mistakenly exclaimed ‘Why Fredrik! You’re a pirate’! ‘I am not a pirate’, Freddy ejaculates. But again – why not J.D? Pirates are much better than musketeers, with their poncey wigs and gold buttons. Frankly – given all the bad press – admitting to a swashbuckling history of plunder on the high seas might have helped your case.

You might ask why I seem so angry about all of this, and the truth is, I’m really not. I hardly care. I didn’t much like The Catcher In The Rye. I got the impression it’s a book which – if it comes along at the right time in your life, and if you’re the right kind of person – can be transformative. Well it didn’t, and I’m not. But what I do understand is the importance of Catcher as a springboard for other things. Without Holden Caulfield we would never have had Vernon God Little. Nor would we have Christopher John Francis Boone (from The Curious Incident Of The Dog In The Night-Time). The claustrophobic subjectivity and grim unease that permeates both these books – each wonderful and important for its own reasons – owe their deep traumatic force to the characterisation worked through Salinger’s text. Has it dated over time? Well, yes actually. Most kids nowadays would just expect Holden to take a Prozac and get over it. But I expect that says more about today’s sprogs than it does about yesterday’s literature.

We don’t need a Slaughterhouse 6 or a 1985, and we don’t need a sequel to a classic nearly 60 years old. JD Salinger, a notorious recluse and bitter guardian of his rights and his privacy, has taken photographers and biographers to court on numerous occasions in the past. Whatever made Frederik Colting think he could sneak under the Salinger censor, let alone the US copyright beam, is beyond me. I hope he’s out there somewhere now, wandering aimlessly about the grey city, reading this cruddy article, thinking to himself, ‘what a prince I am, what a phoney’.

BUNNY’S A PLAYBOY

GARETH LEWIS THINKS THAT IN NICK CAVE’S NEW NOVEL, AVRIL LAVIGNE’S CLITORIS FINALLY GETS THE ATTENTION IT DESERVES Read more »

It is proof, if proof was needed, of the dismal anemia of Leona Lewis’s music career, that neither her nether nor her loftier-regions have made it into the pages of Nick Cave’s second novel, The Death of Bunny Munroe. This is a book which speaks openly about Avril Lavigne’s ‘shiny genitalia’ and hails Kylie’s ‘Spinning Around’ as an ‘orgiastic paean to buggery’. Considering Leona’s first and only mega-hit was so conspicuously about menstruation (consult the lyrics if you think me perfidious here), I’m inclined to think Cave has missed a trick.
If he has, it is the only one. Followers of the gaunt man with the long face and the priapic handlebar moustache will find in this book a gluttonous serving of all his tastiest tropes. But here, the trademark gloom, guilt and desire are permeated with a strange tenderness, an unnerving compassion. The night is darkest just before the day, Cave once crooned. By the end of the novel, it’s hard to tell on which side of that terrible threshold we stand.

The eponymous Bunny Munroe is a serial seducer with an alcohol problem and a more or less permanent erection. He sells beauty products door-to-door to lonely, eager women in the Brighton area and finds his raison d’etre in the lace and lipstick conquests he racks up along the way. At home are his wife, Libby, and their young son, Bunny Jr., a budding polymath who idolizes his dad. When Libby hangs herself in a fit of hope-and-helplessness, brought on by the heady mix of Bunny’s crushing lifestyle and her own manic depression, Bunny is left to look after the boy. Perhaps the earliest symptom of Bunny’s own evaporating sanity is the calm and muted decision he then takes: to launch into a booze-fuelled road-trip, full of hand-soap, back-scrub and spermatoza, with Bunny Jr. in the passenger seat.

Cave’s invocation of the road as the slip-stream to disaster could not have arrived at a more appropriate time. We are currently in the middle of a broader cultural regurgitation that has landed tarmac very much back on our plates and under our noses. Sam Mendes’s Revolutionary Road sullied our cinemas earlier this year, and a screen version of Cormac McCarthy’s The Road is due out soon. A ‘cultural history of roads’ was published by Joe Moran in June, about the same time as an old Burroughs and Kerouac collaboration bubbled up from somewhere (presumably Interzone).

But if Cave has anything to say about the asphalt, it’s that the potholes, speed limits and tarred myths aren’t really the problem. The drivers are. At one point, Bunny Jr. ‘feels like he’s been “hitting the road” for a million years, but realises with a chilly, drizzly feeling that this is only the third day’. That shivered dripping, gloopy as a runny nose, is what happens when the highway dream comes to present-day Hove. Here, the amphetamine of choice is not Benzedrine but candy floss, and the great spinning lights of Las Vegas are actually the waning filaments of a merry-go-round. Bunny’s saturated freewheeling contains little of the esotericism and poetry that Kerouac wound through his interminable narratives. Where Sal Paradise and Dean Moriarty embraced the open road, renouncing destination and conquering distance, Bunny and his son plough about in uncertain, winding spirals, tearing pages from the A to Z in an area-code assault on wanton Brighton booty. The anxiety, of course – and one Cave takes a certain pleasure in winding down to – is what happens when the list ends?

A clue to some of the thematic and stylistic concerns of this gnarled, affecting Via Dolorosa might be found in the music video for his recent single, More News From Nowhere. In the video, Cave and his band are performing on stage in what seems to be an upmarket strip joint. At one point, the camera pans away and we sink into a long crimson bar with mahogany stools and a dapper, tuxedoed bartender. A lone figure sits with his drink, tall and imposing, sombrely absorbed in a magazine crossword. It’s Will Self, an old mate of Cave’s and a deliriously underappreciated author in his own right. More people have read his Forewords than his fiction – Self penned the introduction to Cave’s own Complete Lyrics in 2007.

In what is perhaps Self’s finest novel, How The Dead Live, a rancorous lady called Lily Bloom dies an appalling death from cancer. Lily is surprised to find that, far from arriving in Heaven or Hell (or simply not arriving at all), she is instead relocated to Crouch End. Woven into this fascinating narrative is the uneasy question of familial connection to the passed, and the past. Once dead, is it really wise to involve yourself in the business of the sentient? What do you do when you bump into your daughter on Woodside Avenue, and she asks why you’re not dead after all?

Cave’s story is, in no small part, that of a child trying to come to terms with the premature demise of his mother. Bunny Jr. sees and smells her everywhere. The images and apparitions are, for him, deeply comforting. But the boy is too perspicacious, too aware of his father’s volatility, to trouble him with the details of his heartache. Unsurprisingly, for Bunny himself, similar visions are guilt-ridden hauntings, spectral horrors that jump-start psychotic episodes of demented violence. Libby’s gored countenance stares out through a car window. Her purple, swollen head swivels and creaks about his consciousness. The self-proclaimed Cocksman is slowly sent mad.

Of course, it is the relationship (or absence of such) between father and son that is the true kernel of this bitter love song. For this very reason, it warrants omission in this review – the reader must graft his own experience onto the page. Just as Bunny is doomed to die, it seems our relationships with our fathers are also, somehow, predestined. There’s something reckless and haphazard about them, something of the drunk at the wheel. Joyous and tender, cursed and sorrowful, turbulence is part of the ride. This, above all, is what Nick Cave knows. His book spells out the harrowed, fractured angst of this event.

VAGABONDAGE

GARETH LEWIS ON CHILEAN WRITER ROBERTO BOLANO AND THE PERILS OF BEING INFRAREAL Read more »

You wouldn’t have wanted Roberto Bolano in your book club. Indeed, most bibliophiles would wince with shame and recoil in horror at the novelist’s extra-literary habitudes. Bolano would thieve books from libraries the same way graffiti artists in the 70’s would rack paint from hardware stores in New York. He and his company – a group of writers and poets who called themselves Los Infrarealistas, The Infrarealists – had the South American literary establishment firmly in between the crosshairs. To them, the hallowed and beloved – Garcia Marquez and Octavio Paz in particular – were just gristly strips off the great spinning rack, lacking in meat or flavour, boxed and garnished in all the right ways.

Poetry recitals and readings were routinely interrupted my one or more of the group, who preached something akin to a Beat manifesto (an Infrarealist Manifesto, incidentally, very much exists. It is written by Bolano and imploringly titled ‘Leave Everything Behind, Again’). Attendees at such events were heckled and jeered (it is thought that Paz once had wine poured over him), and then invited to join the movement, to give up everything, to hit the asphalt. For much of his adult life, Bolano did just that. He took menial jobs and wrote in his spare time. He allegedly developed a heroin habit, something he’d kicked before his death in 2003 (but which may well have been a contributing factor to his liver failure). In the 70’s, he returned to his homeland of Chile in support of the socialist cause, and became one of the many interned and few to survive after Pinochet’s coup (incredibly, two guards were old school friends and sprung him form the cells). In essence, Bolano’s life has become the stuff of legend, and his final work, a monster epic, has anchored this myth with a golden sinker.

In an early passage of 2666 – the enigmatic title of Bolano’s last novel – one of the book’s protagonists remarks gloomily how modern readers are ‘afraid to take on the great, imperfect, torrential works, books that blaze paths into the unknown’. Clocking in at 898 pages, 2666 is one such work. It is decidedly hard to locate a single epicentre for the novel’s vast concerns, prised apart as it is into five sections of quite unequal length. Feasibly, some traction could be gained by focussing on the figure of Archimboldi, a spectral character who haunts the pages until the last section (titled, in a rare moment of clarity, ‘The Part About Archimboldi’), where he appears in a kind of bathetic maelstrom: poetic, melancholy, a drifter. An admired novelist and possible contender for the Nobel Prize, Archimboldi has a loyal following of fans and academics, all keen to meet the man in person and suspicious of anybody who claims to know too much about him.

The novel’s first part, ‘The Part About the Critics’, closes in on the interrelationships between four of these scholars. Some of the connections established here echo and reverberate through the rest of the book, serving as platforms for fresh stories, anecdotes and associations. Others, typical of Bolano’s style, are abandoned. Sentences are caught in the rush of a gusty, sprawling narrative, and are swept away. Meaning gets snagged in doubt, daydream or another story, which takes us somewhere else and makes us question the relevance of the original utterance. Just as the critics struggle to pin Archimboldi, the novel invites us into a world which is always just out of our conceptual grasp. Fate and fiction seem equally able to propel events, and the subconscious and cerebral play uneasily with incident and exchange, creating interactions that veer from poetry to porn, splitting genres and upending the very notion of expectation.

A second plausible epicentre for the novels meanderings – though more like a crusty, phlegm spattered plug at the bottom of a filthy sink, swallowing up rather than disgorging narrative shockwaves – is the pseudo-fictional town of San Teresa. Situated near the US border, the community of San Teresa is tightly bound to nearby maquiladoras (Mexican manufacturing facilities, typically making products for distribution in the US). It is a location of rust and wear, prostitution and dust. It is also a crucible of slaughter.

The experience of reading the novel’s fourth section, ‘The Part About The Crimes’, is one of the most extraordinary you will ever encounter in the pages of a book. Narrative practically expires, unable to ground itself amidst the deluge of rape, mutilation and execution that flows on for three hundred pages. Women are being pulped in San Teresa at a rate that seems likely to overtake supply. Indeed, the pace and scale of execution mirrors grotesquely the physical and material grind of the nearby factories. It comes as no surprise that these churning warehouses provide much of the fodder for the gleeful spree of San Teresa’s anonymous killers. In the end you lose count of numbers, identities, stories. This is a whirlwind town that gulps up the unknown and coughs them out unsparingly. There are enough sparse and arid city spaces to hold many more bodies, and when the price of life becomes – quite literally – this low, there are always more to come. Admittedly, watching the gruesome fusillade makes for tough reading. The novel quite suddenly halts, and becomes a record, a grisly list. Lovers of narrative development might start to choke and splutter here, but there’s no denying the force of this assault.

What more to say? This is a novel whose title carries with it the stench of apocalypse, and then gives no indication as to what this date (assuming it is one) entails. It’s a work which jumps from London to Mexico to Nazi Germany, develops multiple principle characters and is packed full of dead-ends as well as dead bodies. It is a story that manages, despite vastness and fragmentation, to knot a great deal of disparate plots and places together in a remarkably satisfying conclusion. It’s a book which bothers you, and which sits perched on your shelf like a monstrous, hulking owl – prophetic, poetic, anarchic. Leave Everything Behind, Bolano said, and absorb.

Los Campesinos! @ KOKO 25.02

Being a law geek who ventures outside the house only to go to occasional classes and to buy DVDs, it may come as some surprise to say that I’ve never been to a gig before. I told this to my fellow PartB people and most of them nearly had a heart attack or a stroke [...] Read more »

LC!

Being a law geek who ventures outside the house only to go to occasional classes and to buy DVDs, it may come as some surprise to say that I’ve never been to a gig before. I told this to my fellow PartB people and most of them nearly had a heart attack or a stroke with shock – the music editors nearly spontaneously combusted right there in the office, quite the fire hazard. This was all a big preface to the news that I was in fact going to my first gig sometime next week, to see Los Campesinos! at KOKO, of which I was almost compelled to write an article to get a newbie’s take on gigging.

The night started off on a sombre note, with one of my friends reminding me of how shit LC! are and how I was going to have a horrible time and that I would regret going and other such put-me-downs. He quickly shut up when we changed the subject to his own deficiencies in musical taste. S Club 7 was mentioned…

And with that, me and my guides in ‘gigging initiation’ were on our way to KOKO. Upon arriving – two hours late, which is apparently normal, and missing both support acts – I was slightly surprised to find that my conservative attire of a shirt and jeans was not completely out of the ordinary. Having expected the cast of Skins to have procreated with the cast of Misfits in a gigantic Topman orgy and release their spawn in KOKO, it was pleasantly surprising to see at least one pair of normal jeans for every five/six pairs of skinny jeans. Take that, me, for relying on ignorant stereotypes!

Before the gig started, I kept asking inane questions like: “How will we know when they come on?”, “Will there be something telling me to turn my phone off”, “What about photos, aren’t there copyright restrictions?” Suffice to say, these didn’t go down well, and the groupies and fans alike kept glaring at me to shut the fuck up. But before I could be lynched and have my decapitated head placed on a spike outside the Tower of London, the band themselves came on to a deafening cacophony of cheers.

So, to the gig, which was, contrary to the expectations my disgruntled friend had put in my head, really very excellent. Despite my concerns that he’d be too shouty, Gareth Campesinos! kept his vocal chords remarkably in check, taking care only to vocally explode when the emotion of the song deemed it strictly necessary To make up for this, he proved his flexibility by occasionally gyrating quite provocatively around the stage. On top of this, the song selection was really good, managing to get a mixture of hits from their previous albums and most of the hits from their new album. The only slight niggle on my part was that they replaced the sublime “We’ve Got Your Back” with the less sublime “I Just Sighed. I Just Sighed, Just So You Know.” This was simply a minor blip in an otherwise flawless set.

The only thing that slightly marred the whole experience was the lesbian couple standing in front of me who had obviously no desire to be there, and decided to drown in their disappointment by eating each other’s faces off via every orifice. Upon being accidentally touched by one of them – who proceeded to not apologise and not make any movement, thinking that my leg was some body part of her partner – I quickly moved away, gaining some irrational homophobic stare for not submitting to their disillusioned foreplay.

But, apart from that, the whole experience was really very good. On being chided by the nameless S Club 7 friend when I returned, I simply retorted with the best retort one can retort with: Fuck off!

Field Music @ Scala 03.03

The Brewis brothers are clearly extremely gifted musicians, who write songs (under the banner of Field Music) which are intricately arranged, structurally complex, and traditionally evoke XTC, Steely Dan and the Beach Boys. None of this makes their music particularly easy to love – though their Geordie voices are thick with region, they rarely let [...] Read more »

Field+Music+fieldmusic

The Brewis brothers are clearly extremely gifted musicians, who write songs (under the banner of Field Music) which are intricately arranged, structurally complex, and traditionally evoke XTC, Steely Dan and the Beach Boys. None of this makes their music particularly easy to love – though their Geordie voices are thick with region, they rarely let their emotional guards down, hence why some critics have labelled their music cold and mechanical and knowingly tricksy.

None of this can prepare me for witnessing them live – an environment which accentuates their flaws as well as their virtues. Augmented by Ian Black and Kevin Dosdale on bass and guitar respectively, the band launch into Tones of Town opener, “Give It Lose It Take It” amidst found sound, glockenspiels, rousing piano and thoroughly excellent drumming. For a few songs at least, the playfulness is plain to see, and the predominantly Sunderland-bookish crowd rewards them with a whole lotta love.

When the band cut to newer material, taken from the recent Field Music (Measure) double-album, the response is notably muted, because the band have to an extent abandoned the bucolic textures of their earlier work, in favour of a more guitar-based aesthetic that owes much more to Led Zeppelin, Fleetwood Mac and, on occasion, Queen. However, bereft of the intense personalities bestowed upon these progenitors, the songs sound strangely lurching and mathematical. Though Field Music are, individually, some of the funniest, warmest and most virtuosic musicians, the sum is sadly less than its constituent parts.

All the more infuriating is just how playful and quick-witted the band seem in between songs, where they deal with all manner of obstacles, from troublesome electricals to the bassist’s Hawaiian shirt. The Prince-meets-Sunderland funk of “Let’s Write A Book” is very much the exception to this disappointing revelation – for once, the groove is remarkably simple, and it evinces the band’s personality. For the middle chunk of the performance, songs like “Something Familiar” and “Each Time Is A New Time” are dispatched with maximum skill (replete with tasteful bluesy guitar licks) but less-than satisfactory enjoyment.

I have really loved Field Music for far too long, championing them to my friends when their chips were down. Now, after a three-year hiatus, I find it hard to empathise with their new direction which, though on record comes across as lovingly crafted and “makes sense”, doesn’t work that well on stage. Though the band pad out the pure Field Music work with excerpts from their solo albums, I left with mixed opinions of a band who I thought I had really figured out.

VAGARIES OF MADNESS

JULIAN BOYS SEES WORRIEDABOUTSATAN @ THE LUMINAIRE 21.11 Read more »

I set off with an umbrella and a collection of stories by Poe, which faithfully reflected the spitting bitter night, into a city beset by improvement works. These contrived to deprive me of my companion for the evening, which perhaps contributed to my boarding the overground at Dalston Kingsland in a state of profound metaphysical introspection. The impetuous fury of the gusts battered our carriage as we mournfully wended our way to the Kilburn High Road. The grim phantasm at a bus stop couldn’t direct me to the Luminaire, but some peculiar instinct guided me there forthwith.

A hypochondriac sat wringing his hands on the stairs; I flinched with every twist of those mangled knuckles but didn’t succumb to pity. The dark interior of the Luminaire was bedecked with signs prohibiting conversation: this was a Live Music Venue, not a Pub where you can ‘chat’ with your ‘friends’. An horrendous vision of the sickeningly embittered crone daubing these phrases on the wall came to me forcefully and I retched dryly in the corner.

I was only diverted by the shadowy arrival of my immediate reason for being, ‘Worriedaboutsatan’, a duo of artistes who somehow produce unfathomably emotive minimal techno. I approached the stage and became aware that all colour had faded from the scene, everybody in my line of sight was clothed in black garments, all was monochrome. The stage was lit only by the projection of a black and white film and before it a frantically bobbing hooded figure hunched over mixers and a laptop seemed in the midst of interminably looping death throes. Opposite him a man inexplicably stood holding a guitar, the instrument visually clashing with my conception of what could make the spectral sounds I perceived.

Yet somehow the clean, crisp yet organic blips melded with the wash of the electric guitar, which was played with a violin bow. Otherworldly bass was emitted intermittently into this noir scene as the spirit of the piece rose and rose in tone and tempo, before falling back into dreamy ambience. The audience, mostly there for the later headliners, perhaps missed how Worriedaboutsatan drew subtle motifs from their breathtaking summer LP, Arrivals ,and flawlessly integrated them into the otherwise improvised set.

The line between vivid dark soundscape and pummelling, all encompassing techno was ever trepidatiously trod. At one point the now unhooded figure swore quietly in a strong Northern accent over an unexpected lull as he vigourously struggled to plug a jack back into his laptop; the dearth of bass-weight and driving glitches disquieting all. I tasted blood in my mouth and felt panic rise in my stomach, realising how much I needed that immersion to return.

I can hear sirens in the distance as I write this, and I cannot but urge you to listen to this band. My heart fills with dread at the thought of what might happen if you don’t.

A CELEBRATION OF WOMEN IN THE NOUGHTIES

This decade has certainly served up what can only be described as musical drudge. With the emergence of the ‘reality pop star’, effectively reducing the charts to a weekly contest between glorified karaoke acts, you would be forgiven for thinking this decade has been a particularly bad one for producing original music. There has been [...] Read more »

This decade has certainly served up what can only be described as musical drudge. With the emergence of the ‘reality pop star’, effectively reducing the charts to a weekly contest between glorified karaoke acts, you would be forgiven for thinking this decade has been a particularly bad one for producing original music. There has been light at the end of the tunnel however, with the emergence of a new crop of female artists producing some of the most innovative albums of this decade. This may seem like a strange observation as women have been making music since music was invented. What is different about this decade is that a wide range of female artists have been able to combine commercial success with critical acclaim – a goal many of their predecessors have not been able to attain.

It therefore, seems apt to mention just a few of the musical highlights this decade has produced from some of the very best female artists.

Fur and Gold – Bat for Lashes (2006)
Natasha Khan (a.k.a Bat for Lashes) has produced in ‘Fur and Gold’, a debut LP that combines haunting melodies with an utterly feminine vocal sound. A nomination for the Mercury Music Prize in 2007 enabled Khan’s music to reach a wider audience and introduced them to her magical sound.

Stories from the City, Stories from the Sea- P.J Harvey (2000)
This is the 6th studio album from the Dorset singer/song writer and one which allowed her to cross over from a lesser known indie act to a critically acclaimed rock star. This album won the Mercury Music Prize in 2001 and influenced a new generation of female singer/song writers that deviated from the usual pop/rock staple that dominated the charts in the 1990’s.

Fever To Tell – Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Yeahs (2003)
Fronted by the inimitable Karen O, Fever To Tell is a messy combination of punk, garage rock, and pop. However messy and chaotic it may sound, all 11 tracks on the Yeah Yeah Yeahs’ debut album seem to fit together as a collection of thoroughly exceptional songs.

Deb – Souad Massi (2003)
Although Middle Eastern in origin, ‘Deb’ (meaning ‘heartbroken’ in Arabic) incorporates western styles such as rock, country, and pop. Massi sings in Arabic, French, and occasionally English as well as ‘Kabyle’ (a Berber language), often employing multiple languages in the same song. You do not need to be fluent in any of these languages to appreciate Massi’s beautiful voice and genre defying sound.

Back to Black – Amy Winehouse (2006)
‘Back to Black’ combines the sound of Motown girl groups with Winehouse’s distinctive vocals (with a little help from super star DJ Mark Ronson). This Grammy award winning album contains brazen confessions of heartbreak, infidelity and Winehouse’s continued battle with drink and drugs. Forget the manufactured pop of reality TV shows. Back To Black is what pop music should sound like.

SUE & THE UNICORN @ 26.10

As a dedicated Robots in Disguise fan I was understandably rather excited about seeing Sue and the Unicorn at The Borderline. Sue makes up one half of the band Robots in Disguise and Sue and the Unicorn is her solo project. However, whilst the Robots play my usual chosen style of electro music, Sue’s solo [...] Read more »

As a dedicated Robots in Disguise fan I was understandably rather excited about seeing Sue and the Unicorn at The Borderline. Sue makes up one half of the band Robots in Disguise and Sue and the Unicorn is her solo project. However, whilst the Robots play my usual chosen style of electro music, Sue’s solo project is quite different with a more folk basis.

I arrived at The Borderline with mixed expectations. The venue is a known haunt for music lovers and often hosts many up and coming artists (both We Are Scientists and Vampire Weekend played there before they became better known). The crowd was very mixed with a few clearly hard core rockers who had made their way in from the rock bar next door down to a more indie looking crowd.

Sue looked amazing as she walked on stage. The Robots are known for their slightly kooky style and Sue did not disappoint with her gold sequin skirt and gorgeous Tatty Devine swallow broaches. She immediately struck up a personal relationship with the crowd with her informal jokey approach.

The music was excellent and the sound quality was pretty good also – despite Sue losing her voice slightly (though this only added to the humour and personal feel of the gig). Sue’s lyrics often contained quite a bit of humour in almost a silly manner but in a way in which the crowd could easily relate.

However, despite this, there were also moments of serious reflection though this was all rounded up with the upbeat track ‘Pick Me Up’. This track really marked the gig’s intimacy as Sue got members of the crowd to come up on stage and shake random instruments such as jingle bells whilst she tapped her bell clad ankle to the beat as she played. Everyone seemed to feel involved and the contagious happiness of the song mixed with Sue’s personality left everyone feeling pretty chripy by the end.

REVIEW OF HATCHAM SOCIAL @ 229 GREAT

It feels like I’ve gatecrashed one of those halloween parties you’d have at school; partly because of the venue and partly because of that creeping paranoia that everyone in this room knows each other except for me. And yet the atmosphere is still quite relaxed and friendly. Very much like the band’s performance itself. Hatcham Social [...] Read more »

It feels like I’ve gatecrashed one of those halloween parties you’d have at school; partly because of the venue and partly because of that creeping paranoia that everyone in this room knows each other except for me. And yet the atmosphere is still quite relaxed and friendly. Very much like the band’s performance itself.

Hatcham Social are a London based indie/artrock four piece. Their sound is reminiscent of 80s indie pop, with instantly catchy light-hearted melodies. But, in its delivery, their sound is much closer to experimental art punk bands like Talking Heads. Its perfect because it makes them both interesting and accessible. This is also evident in their lyrics, which are neither too unbearably meaningful nor irritatingly vague.

But best of all, and most important for a live setting, Hatcham Social are a band who know not to take themselves too seriously. They take every ‘technical failure’ in their stride and constantly make little comments to the audience in a way that is more self aware than contrived, like addressing a friend. This relaxed and friendly atmosphere is not only a sure sign of audience enjoyment but the fact that this band really genuinely enjoy playing.

On the night they played tracks mostly from debut album You Dig The Tunnel, I’ll Hide The Soil. Highlights are single Murder in the dark, set-closer So So Happy Making and the mid-set cover of The Doors’ People are Strange. The latter is also famously covered by Echo and the Bunnymen, who Hatcham Social will be supporting on their american tour this month.

Back to the Future

WHY SIXTIES MUSIC IS BETTER THAN MODERN DAY SHIT Read more »

I find the majority of modern popular music numbing. Its a view that has curtailed certain aspects of my social life and led to heated arguments with close friends.

As with many strong beliefs, the reasons why they are held are often instinctual and not thought-out. Arguing with friends over this topic, I have found myself guilty of being unable to articulate reasons for thinking as I do about modern music. Only when you are called upon to explain the reasons for your beliefs and preferences you realise how hard it is to give them.

Being so rooted in subjectivity and personal taste, a reason for preferring one form of music to another is harder to justify than preferences in other art forms. My favourite popular music period is, broadly, from around 1957 to 1974, believing the 1960’s to be the highpoint of popular music creation. I’ve had a hard think about why I think these things and thought I’d try to write some of them down.

Music in the 1960’s was generally recorded live. This meant the arrangements and performances (usually) had to be written and planned out in advance. A corollary of this is that music was often played with real urgency by musicians who had to be performers in the true sense of the word, the lack of studio ability to correct mistakes with overdubs necessitating these talents even further. Additionally, the role of understanding what a musical piece was before its being recorded often led the composite parts of any piece to play necessary and essential individual roles- musical parts breathing in themselves as well as part of a composite whole song. Contrast this with modern records. Usually built up in parts, layer upon layer in the studio, the natural balance between performers, parts of a song and the whole itself often fall out of sync with each other due to the techniques of modern recording and production. Such an outcome is unavoidable.

Second, the growth of modern recording techniques including multiple overdub’s, EQ-ing, MIDI and computer recording devices distance songwriters from the material they have written and played. Any real feeling that lies within music becomes slowly obliterated during a recording process that douses it in synthetic modes of production and increasingly unnatural modes of expression. Whereas in 1960’s music the limits on recording possibility were set within natural and technical limits both on human expressive capabilities and recording equipment, the increasing growth of technology in the musical mode of production has distanced music from the very emotions and feelings that make it expressive.

The drum machine is the single most pervasive example. The growth of the device, and similar percussive creations, from the late 1970’s onwards has led to the increasingly deleterious process of prioritising the rhythm above every other form of musical expression. A natural outcome of the growth of technology in the music industry, it made rhythm expand beyond human playing capability whilst at the same time standardising the 4/4 rhythm. The focus on the ‘groove’ has led to the diminishing role of melody and harmony accompanied by a natural shrinking role in studio craft and songwriting subtlety. Ideas in modern music almost always depend and grow as elements of the rhythm rather than a melodic/harmonic idea as was the case with almost all 1960’s music.

Third,and on a more personal level, I find modern music so poor because I have heard it all before and heard it at a higher quality. Where is the originality that so dictated and littered the work of artists such as The Doors, Jimi Hendrix, The Beatles, Bob Dylan, and other 1960’s artists? The introductions of tape-loops on The Beatles’ Tomorrow Never Knows, the breathtaking ambition of Pink Floyd’s Piper At The Gates of Dawn or the majestic use of feedback on Jimi Hendrix’ albums are just several of countless examples.

Listening to them, you hear a range in expression, ambition, quality and unexpectedness unmatched since. How these artists made the groundbreaking music they did offers clues to how we can evolve modern and future music production and writing from its current malaise. Start listening.

Fyfe Dangerfield

DAVID OOI INTERVIEWS GUILLEMOTS FRONTMAN TURNED SOLO ARTIST FYFE DANGERFIELD BEFORE HIS LONDON GIG PROMOTING HIS NEW ALBUM, FLY YELLOW MOON What’s your creative process like? It’s a mixture of moments of spontaneity and having to sort of work at things and I am not very good at the working things bit. I’m trying to work [...] Read more »

DAVID OOI INTERVIEWS GUILLEMOTS FRONTMAN TURNED SOLO ARTIST FYFE DANGERFIELD BEFORE HIS LONDON GIG PROMOTING HIS NEW ALBUM, FLY YELLOW MOON

fyfe

What’s your creative process like?
It’s a mixture of moments of spontaneity and having to sort of work at things and I am not very good at the working things bit. I’m trying to work on being very good at that.
I tend to be quite impulsive in the way that I write, a lot of the stuff just comes out very suddenly and sort of at random moments. I improvise a lot, by myself and with the Guillemots all the time we write stuff, we’re improvising. I am sort of concerned with the way we do improvise that something very true happens and we can then sort of work on it too much and lose that atmosphere that was there originally, and with Fly Yellow Moon that was kind of the thing of this record, the majority of it was sort of spontaneous and not entirely finished when it got to the studio, I like that because you can sort of hear, certainly ones like “So Brand New”, (the) second track, ones like that it really almost was the first time I really sung it, like “Faster Than the Setting Sun”, we decided to have a run through, so Jamie started playing and we got to the end and we were like “Err…., were you recording that?” and he was like “Yeah! That’s alright.” It’s lovely like we’d never played it through before, and that was what we used for the record. I really liked that because I think you get something quite genuine that maybe you don’t get. There are benefits of playing the song for months and then recording it but with this record it was sort of just about capturing moments.

Love seems to be a recurring theme in your work, is there a reason for that?
It is and it isn’t. It’s weird because it does feel like an album with a lot of that in it but when you actually go through and listen to the lyrics it’s only really the first three tracks that are sort of actually what you could call love songs really, and then after that the other songs like “High on the Tide” is about getting away and trying to get your head straight, “Faster Than the Setting Sun” is sort of after an argument and quite a fraught song, “Firebird” and “Don’t Be Shy” is all sort of introspective. I’m trying to push for something more in terms of what you write, but you can only write what naturally comes out. It wouldn’t really sit right if I tried to write, unless it comes out at the moment of anger or something like that. It’s just not what I’m good at, I think I tend to write in quite a romantic way and it’s not necessarily quite the same as writing about love. It’s to do with the way I just sort of tend to be quite gushy in the way that I write songs, it’s just how it comes out. I don’t really know why, but I just tend to get very touched by music.
To a degree of course you tend to write from experience. You use what’s happened in your life and you put that into the stuff you do. But it’s not like, “this is a love song for this”. A lot of songs I trace back to certain moments but it doesn’t mean it’s about that moment I sort of have an idea in my head about what I am writing about and sometimes I don’t. Like a track like “Firebird” on the record I don’t really know what’s that about, I just woke up one night, couldn’t sleep, heard a tune, and then you just find the lyrics and it just comes out I’m not really sure exactly what it’s about but you’re aware of a sort of feeling in the air and you sort of capture that thing.

Do you have to work hard at the lyrics, to get it right?
Well no, you don’t have to work that hard. Generally it comes out quickly, it depends, sometimes some of it will come out but then you need to work at the rest of it. Something like “Firebird” sort of came out in like 20 minutes.

Do you have a favourite track in the album?
Genuinely proud of the whole thing, maybe like “So Brand New” is like my favourite track, just really fun to record, I just like the way it sound but I just like the whole thing.

Is there anything you would like to explore in the future, musically?
God yeah, there’s a million things I want to explore. I feel like I’ve only just begun I want to really makes groundbreaking original music but at the same time I love writing song, that’s the thing with this record I’d rather try to do something that’s really out there, something very traditional and focused that just fitted how I felt. I also really want to start writing lots of instrumental music, really want to get into film soundtracks, I want to start writing pop songs for other people, I want to write more classical music.

Has your music evolved?
I definitely think it has evolved, and I think probably my standards are higher so that now maybe what I think is a shit song I would have thought was good five years ago. It’s weird also how some things, certain sounds and certain call patterns; like I remember how 10 years ago I can just sit there playing that bit. And that’s the thing, some of those things that make me feel something, sometimes I wish I didn’t, because I am a total sucker for quite cheesy records and certain changes that just bring out this sort of emotion and you could say that that’s just too easy but I mean it’s what I naturally find myself doing and I think you can’t be too contrived and try to be something you’re not too much, it would just seem a bit false I think.

Is there anything you would like to go back and change?
Don’t think so, there plenty that I think I’ve done, that we’ve done in Guillemots that I think could’ve been better or that we didn’t do that right, but I don’t wish we could go back and change. There’s stuff that we’ve done that I am really proud, and I’m happy with the way everything’s gone, *smiling*. It’s not something I think about too much, i was talking about this last night, about how the tiniest moment has this massive impact on your life, like when I met Greig and the Guillemots, it was only because me and him both got dragged, me by my brother and him by his partner to go and watch this weird comedy programme that they were both taking part in and neither of us wanted to go, and we both got sort of “Come on, you’ve got to come and support me.” and we both met.
And you trace that point to that tiny little decision and that had such a massive influence on so many people’s life, like my life, his life you connect to the rest of the band, and the people that work with the band and all this things come out from this one tiny and anything could’ve happened, I could have gone a different way and something else could’ve happened, you just never know. But I don’t sort of look back on my life and think, “I wish I hadn’t done that”, it doesn’t mean like there are things that you look back and think: “I could have seen how I could have done that differently and maybe that would have been a bit more sensible,” but there is a difference between thinking that and actually wishing it. I think I would only really regret things if I didn’t think I had tried my hardest at the time and I know I have, I know that with the Guillemots, I know that with both the Guillemots albums. Whether or not there are things I think are right or wrong, now, I know at that time though, I just did my best. I know with this album I did my best and I think as long as you think that, you haven’t got any cause to regret anything, I would say.

This album seems ‘a step out of this place and time’, would you say that?
It’s certainly a very ‘unfashionable’ sounding record. It doesn’t sound like a kind of cool modern thing at all, I think what it is, is that, it sort of sounds timeless but not retro. I didn’t want it to sound like it was trying to be old but I didn’t want it to sound like it was trying to be new either.

FREESTYLE COMEDY

FREESTYLE HIP-HOP, IMPROVISED COMEDY AND IRISHNESS ARE THREE THINGS THAT SOUND LIKE THEY SHOULD NEVER BE IN THE SAME ROOM TOGETHER, LET ALONE COMBINED ON STAGE. DOING JUST THAT, ROB BRODERICK IS ALL ABOUT BREAKING THE MOLD. GRAEME BIRRELL MET UP WITH HIM TO FIND OUT HOW HE CAME TO MIX HIS RAP WITH HIS [...] Read more »

FREESTYLE HIP-HOP, IMPROVISED COMEDY AND IRISHNESS ARE THREE THINGS THAT SOUND LIKE THEY SHOULD NEVER BE IN THE SAME ROOM TOGETHER, LET ALONE COMBINED ON STAGE. DOING JUST THAT, ROB BRODERICK IS ALL ABOUT BREAKING THE MOLD. GRAEME BIRRELL MET UP WITH HIM TO FIND OUT HOW HE CAME TO MIX HIS RAP WITH HIS FUNNY, AND WHERE HE iS GOING WITH IT NEXT.

Rob

After improvising his way to the final of So You Think You’re Funny in 2005 and then winning the Hackney Empire Best New Act Award for 2010 with his three-man impro hip hop band Abandoman, Rob seems destined for big things. Indeed, after asking to meet me in an exclusive Soho private members club, I couldn’t help but feel he may have already made it. But after meeting him, it became immediately obvious that he’s just a down-to-earth Irishman who loves what he does.

Lets start at the beginning, how did you get into comedy and hip-hop?

Comedy came after hip-hop. I got into hip-hop for the very first time, and went ‘this is amazing’, it was House of Pain. You know the way you always look up to the guys who are three years older than you? Well, the coolest guy, the one I perceived as being the most popular guy, he loved “Jump Around” by House of Pain. I was twelve, he was fifteen, he was a Scout, and we went on this trip and that was all he played, him and his mate. And they would rap all the lyrics – I remember thinking they were like Kid and Play from House Party! They kinda swapped over rhymes and stuff, and I was like ‘this is dope, it’s the greatest thing ever!’

Then about a year later I went off to Irish College where you live in the west of Ireland for three weeks in a place that speaks Irish, you live with a family that speaks Irish and you go to a college during the day. This guy who was in my room was really into Body Count – Ice-T’s metal group – and that’s all he would play. It still makes me giggle – it’s the crudest album I’ve ever heard. So when I left Irish College, I was like ’so I think I really like hip-hop’, bought a Snoop Dogg album – Doggy Style had just come out – and then became the only guy in my year who liked hip-hop. Even the guy who is now Ireland’s biggest rapper who was in my year hated hip-hop – he was a big Nirvana-head.
As an Irishman who only grew up with very much commercial radio, the first time I put in Doggy Style, and it had all these routines like in between the songs it has all these fills – as a 14-year old who’d never heard this before, it was such a big deal. And it was like ‘I didn’t know you could do this in music’. Then I got into Public Enemy – that was the first concert I ever went to see and they were phenomenal. It was kind of embarrassing as well, because Ireland didn’t really have a band to open – they had this one called Grasshopper who were all guitarists singing songs and opening for like the best hip-hop group at the time. I remember the sound guy came on stage, and he was black, and a lot of the audience thought he was Chuck D, so they started chanting ‘Chuck, Chuck, Chuck’ and I remember thinking, ‘this makes us look retarded’.

And it went from there. When I was sixteen I started a little hip hop crew – for one night, and we gigged. We were called Two Sac and the Enormous DIC, because we really loved Beavis and Butthead and dick jokes.

So this is kind of the beginning of a natural progression into comedy already?

Yeah, kinda. Connor Deasy – the lead singer of The Thrills – as well, was two years ahead of me at school, and he’d seen us that night. I asked him why The Thrills weren’t there, and he was like ‘we’re too big’. So I was like ‘what a dick’. Then two years later I saw him on the cover of Rolling Stone, and I was like ‘nope, he was right!’ So Two Sac and the Enormous DIC were never really destined for fame and fortune.

Anyway, from all that comedy kinda came in 1998 when I started debating in school after I crushed a vertebrae playing rugby and couldn’t do much else. But English debating was full up, so I had to do French debating. And I don’t speak French. So what I did was to write speeches in English, and give them to my older brother James, who got an A in French. He translated them and gave them back. But I still can’t read them. So he has to give me phonetics. So I end up doing this entire series of debates for a year but all off phonetic cards. So essentially, if I didn’t sell it with huge performance I was screwed because people could heckle you in French, and I wouldn’t know what they were saying. So we’d prepare on the back of these cards generic rebuttals, which would all start with me praising them on what a good question they’d asked. These performances became larger and larger to the point that people would crack up. I’d be so angry and banging my fists, and strutting about, and everything was pure emotion. People would be pissing themselves laughing – and I wouldn’t know why it was funny! I remember one time I got a giggle and a round of applause, because my brother had put in a joke, and I hadn’t even asked him to.

At the same time as this, I was going to comedy clubs where you’d see Dara Ó Briain as a 25-year old, and Des Bishop, Mark O’Doherty (David O’Doherty’s older brother) – and I just went ‘bang, that’s what I’m doing!’

Then I went off to university and it took another five years before I had another ‘fuckin’ hell’ moment when I worked with Jonzie D. He’s a big rapper from the 90s who now runs huge hip-hop theatre shows – half of them are breaking conventions, where people like Diversity and Flawless came through, and half of them are theatre shows. So I did a show for him where I freestyled the whole thing, and I killed. And it was the greatest feeling I ever had on stage. I was like ‘wow, this is insane’ – I’d never mixed comedy and hip-hop, let alone feestyled a routine that got a bigger applause than I’d ever got doing stand up. Then a month later Jonzie cast me in a show with Bashy and Soweto Kinch – both MOBO Award winners. And that was when I started thinking ‘I could do this’.

So I booked a month in Brighton, and took down a show that was nothing but a few thoughts and a guitarist and freestyled. And it’s just grown ever since from that.

So freestyle came quite naturally to you?

Yeah, it did. When I was 18 I started freestlying without much concept of me freestyling, which is kind of a weird thing to look back on. People always say ‘when did you start? Can you teach me?’ and I’m just like ‘well, I was 18 and I’d be drunk, and I’d freestyle’ and I don’t know where it came from, apart from listening to hip-hop.
And impro, I adore. When I did stand-up, for the first two years I had one joke, maybe. And I got to the final of So You Think You’re Funny? – every single word improvised – which was nuts, because it wasn’t intelligent, but it worked. It was much more natural for me than going, ‘this is my joke’ – I hate that. For many years I’ve been envious of people who are writers. For me it’s just get on stage and see what happens.

That’s a good niche to have. You just won the Hackney Empire Best New Act Award; you must be pretty pleased about that?

Yeah we were thrilled. The whole thing was really good. As a band we’ve only been together for a few months, not long. We got together one night when we were on the same bill – James [another member of Abandoman] doing music, I was doing my rap thing, and I just asked him to join me on stage. We did that twice, and then my favourite rap group, Atmosphere, came to London and I blagged my way into being Atmosphere’s support act at Scala. We didn’t even have routines – we wrote them backstage. When we sound-checked, Slug from Atmosphere asked us what we did, and we had no idea what to say! But we went out to a full hip-hop crowd and it was lovely. And then we’ve more or less worked together since then.

Hackney was a big date in the diary. We went out to 1,500 people – we’re not used to that. And, yeah, we just blew them away – I’m still surprised. We got a standing ovation, which we couldn’t see because of the lights. It was quite insane when we won. When they were announcing fourth place I was like ‘cool – if we get fourth place, I’m happy’, then fourth place got announced, and I was like ‘cool – if we get third place, I’m happy’, then third place got announced, and I went ‘cool – I really want to win!’
Winning has been a cool thing – the main thing for us has been that Irish hip-hop that’s improvised doesn’t sound very good [on paper], so having Hackney in our back pocket is phenomenal.

Would you say it’s been a bit of a turning point, where people start to take you a bit more seriously as a comedy act?

It has. The kind of gigs I was getting before Hackney were mainly me as a compère. And since Abandoman has taken off, I’ve changed the focus of my direction. I really want to take the band to comedy clubs – but it’s always hard. You’re kind of back to where you started as a new act. So its been lovely having Hackney behind us for that. It allows us to go ‘look, it doesn’t sound like it works, but this is something we have won.’The nice thing about this whole project is that we can do hip-hop clubs too.

Do you get a pretty good reception there?

Yeah – they’re lovely places. They’re really into it because they are looking at different things. They probably enjoy the comedy, but they also are more aware of the freestyle, its capacities and what goes into it. And we try to bring something to hip-hop clubs that they maybe don’t get a lot of. And we seem to get very good receptions.

So have you got any big gigs lined up in the future? Are you going to Edinburgh?

Definitely going to Edinburgh with the band, which will be very good. We’re also working on getting back to Ireland more. And we have a bunch of other great shows coming up in London too – we’re doing the Bloomsbury Theatre. We did Daisy Lowe’s birthday party recently – she actually talks about us in Vogue magazine! We did the BRITs afterparty last week. We just have more and more cool gigs coming up each month.

Are you interested in doing the summer music festivals? They seem be gaining profile with their ‘comedy tents’.

We’re actually trying to get into festivals more at the moment. We did Bestival last year. It was very cool, so we’re trying to get more of those. What’s really cool is that the band can play a music stage as well as it could a comedy venue – when someone comes in with a comedy show that also works musically, there’s quite a bit of excitement there. Which is why I think Flight of the Conchords really works – musically their stuff stands up, the same with Tim Minchin – his music is fantastic. A lot of people are worried that musical comedy will only work in a comedy club – and in some cases that’s true. But those guys can play both rooms. I’m not saying we’re in the same league, but that’s kinda what we’re trying to do.

Would you compare yourself to Flight of the Conchords? It could easily work in a TV series couldn’t it? An Irish impro hip-hop crew that moves to New York?

No, but it could work. We’ve got a few ideas like that, and places we want to experiment with actually. Drama stuff especially. I write for a hip-hop touring show, and I’m a performer in that as well. So it would be interesting to do something like this with Abandoman. At the moment we just play songs, but it would be interesting to try and open that door and maybe do something more dramatic with songs in it. Possibly something akin to a hip-hop musical?

Is that the long-term goal, then?

Well, the long-term goal is just performing like this for life. That sounds so cheesy! I’m taking that back! My long-term goal is just that it gets to the point where we can tour easily. To be able to continue doing what we’re doing now, but on a bigger and bigger scale. I’d love to tour with music bands as their opening act – that’s something we’re trying to work on more. That would be dope. And then getting to the point where the act stands on its own feet, and we’re able to do music venues as well as comedy ones. Music venues are like the Holy Grail for me. Well, maybe not the Holy Grail, but they’re what I aspire to. I think I’ve always seen them as really impressive places to do live concerts.

People go to music venues with a slightly different attitude don’t they?

Yeah, when I used to go to hip-hop shows back in Dublin and people like Ugly Duckling were coming through and doing these live shows that had all these different elements – really good interplay between the MCs and the DJ, and the whole thing was really fun and really silly. That’s what I’d love to take to our hip-hop shows. Like Kanye West when he did Late Orchestration, that was a show! In music shows, the great live performers are the ones that give you a great show – The Flaming Lips, for example – they give you a great production that is so much more than you could ever get from listening to their records. That’s what we’d love to do.

What about Comcomedy [the first place I saw Rob on stage; a great venue for up-and-coming comedy acts] as a venue? It’s the only place I’ve really seen you. What are your thoughts on it?

It’s definitely one of my favourite shows around. They’ve been really great to us, and we’re looking at shooting more stuff with them – they’re really cool people.

Do you feel like you get a good vibe at their live nights?

Yeah, they get really good audiences. I think it’s probably something to do with them having a good space. And they get really good acts too, that are often really experimental. It’s brilliant. It’s different from the ‘one man and his mic’ experience of other comedy nights, a really varied bill.

Bring The Noise

That the 2000s has seen more summations and analyses than possibly any other decade so soon after it ended is indicative of the massive shift in the power of communication we have seen. Liam McLaughlin talked to music critic Simon Reynolds about how this has affected music, and what it might mean for the future. Read more »

There is a famous possibly apocryphal quote, variously attributed to Elvis Costello, Frank Zappa and Miles Davis, which says that “writing about music is like dancing about architecture”. Indeed, no matter how flowery the language used to describe music, it is impossible to convey the actual experience of it with words alone. No amount of elaborate metaphors or similes can recreate the sound of music or the depth of feeling it gives you. But then, those guys probably didn’t read anything written by Simon Reynolds.

Since the mid 80s, Reynolds has been writing for a wide variety of music publications about a wide variety of music, including indie, r ‘n’ b, jungle, hip-hop, grime, techno, dance and dubstep. His lucid and erudite insights into the world of music serve as an enlightening companion to the music itself, but it is his contagious enthusiasm for it which actively encourages you to get out of your armchair and into the shops. Applying academic structure to vibrant and passionate writing, I could think of no better person than Simon Reynolds to question on the legacy of the 00s and what it can tell us about the future of music.

I could think of no better person than Simon Reynolds to question on the legacy of the 00s and what it can tell us about the future of music.

The 00s is the first decade where I have been consciously aware of the whole thing. I remember hearing Kid ABoy In Da Corner and Funeral when they were released; I remember not bothering to go to see Lily Allen for free before she got massive and I remember when I downloaded my first song from Napster. Many of these landmarks of the 00s have been the results of revolutionary changes which have taken place in the wider world; think MP3s, blogging, MySpace and accessible recording facilities. So why, when there was a massive increase in the amount of music produced during the 00s, does Simon think that, as he wrote in a recent Guardian article, compared to the 60s, the 00s saw far more good music, but far less great music?

“The idea started with a thought I had when running my eye over the Pitchfork ‘Top 200 Albums of the 2000s’, which was that once you got past the top 30 or so of the list, and went further down, it started to seem like a subtle indictment of the decade. Like you could take those albums as evidence in the case for the prosecution of the 00s. But it wasn’t because the music was bad; on the contrary a lot of it was very good, and every so often one of my own favourites would pop up at Number 61 or Number 137. It was more to do with a sense of inconsequentiality. In an equivalent list of the top 200 albums of the 60s or 70s, I think far more of the records would have seemed consequential in the sense of having an impact on the times, or defining the times.”

I agree and it seems to me that the most obvious reason for this fall in the relevance of music is that the stuff released during the 00s hasn’t had time to become significant as the media are so intent on glorifying things as soon as they come out. Consider the hyperbole surrounding The Strokes in 2001 or The xx in 2009; with no retrospect, how can anything being lauded as great maintain the level of hype and success it initially received? With this added pressure along with touring commitments and record label demands, many bands who ‘make it’ on the first album can end up being panned for the rest of their careers like Interpol or The Killers. Simon’s take on why music’s consequentiality seems to have disappeared is far more detailed than my own though.

“There are all kinds of reasons you could speculate on for why this has ceased to be the case. Maybe it relates to the reduced centrality of music in popular culture, the fact that it’s not the leading edge or power spot, or that it’s simply been around too long; become too familiar. Or that all the most striking stylistic and formal leaps were made, necessarily, in the earlier decades, and now we’re well into a phase of consolidation and recombination. But the one I focused on in that Guardian post was the idea that music’s just spread too thin; there’s too many people making it, there’s people from the preceding generations/eras who have hung on in there, and more and more younger people coming forward, and as a result it’s simply harder for any given band/record to pull around itself an audience substantial enough where the group’s journey – the trajectory from record to record to record – seems to be consequential.”

This vision of musicians struggling to carve a niche in an overcrowded area is weirdly tragic. The effects of populist movements like punk and grunge have finally manifested their adverse repercussions on the generations who grew up listening to them. Opening the floodgates of music seemed a great idea at the time, but now with the musical saturation we’ve seen during the 00s, its value is being lost in the depths of the flood. No wonder bands are becoming more and more esoteric in an attempt to stamp their uniqueness onto reams of mundanity. Despite the proliferation of good music, Simon is right; there is much less great music around now, and the volume of ‘good’ music, whilst of course being ‘good’, has simply by virtue of its sheer quantity, carved an overarching 00s legacy of unexciting and lackluster music that I hope won’t be carried into this decade.

But then again there are other genres of music which came to prominence in the 00s which have arguably achieved greatness and are definitive of the times, whether that is due to ingenious pioneering or simple novelty. Two particular styles which come to mind are the underground British movements of dubstep and grime. As a longtime champion of both genres since they were in their embryonic stages, I ask what Simon thinks explains their social-class defying success over the past decade, especially when fighting against the sheer volume of music that’s out there. “That’s rather a big question! Well, have they defied class? Grime had to really tone itself down to get to the top of the charts. Dizzee (Rascal) pretty much had to separate himself from the grime scene and from grime sonix to become the big mainstream pop star that he is now.  For most people in the UK, grime in its pure form is a bit too abrasive and too much a reminder of a segment of urban youth they find scary. Gangsta rap from the States can seem exotic because it’s so far away, but grime reminds people, I think, of hooded youths on buses playing noisy distorted music on their mobiles. It’s a little too close to home.”

But dubstep is surely more adept at crossing class boundaries? At raves you can see middle class private school girls dancing with working class wideboys; the music linking their disparate lives for a few hours of sweaty partying. Simon immediately disagrees though. “Dubstep was always I think more of a middle class and white scene than grime, so it’s success – which isn’t pop success but becoming this internationally established hip sound with outposts all over the world – is easier to understand. Being instrumental and lacking grime’s MC element (on the records, as opposed to in the clubs, where there often is an MC) also helped it spread. It can be enjoyed as this atmospheric, home listening music.

I think of the dubstep audience (originally, in terms of the people who started the scene circa 2002) as the more middle class, white types who got into jungle and drum’n'bass, especially the more techno-y stuff with people like Photek, and then converted to garage/2step when that also got quite dark and minimal (people like El B, J Da Flex, the latter-day Dem 2, Groove Chronicles), and they wanted to keep on making music that maintained their own tastes in drum’n'bass and the darker side of garage: so it was minimal, dark, atmospheric, a bit clinical and techno-y, with that roots reggae influence. And then dubstep got a whole new contingent joining it circa 2006 onwards, who picked up on the bass drops and the wobbly, low frequency oscillation basslines, and actually got quite rowdy. It went from being a bit of a somber, serious scene to being a bit lairy and lumpen; quite ravey, albeit without the manic tempo of 90s rave and jungle. And that wobble yob mentality seems to have driven away most of the original dubstep people into all the wonky and post-dubstep directions.”

Another genre which contorted and evolved during the 00s was hip-hop, which arguably saw its zenith in the early half of the decade. However, since then it has seen a qualitative downturn and I wonder how much the ‘hubris of hip-hop’ has to do with the ever more extreme incentives in hip-hop to earn hard cash. “Well hip hop has always been about making money” reasons Simon. “There’s never been that bohemian hang-up about selling out or making dough that you sometimes used to get in white rock circles. What’s changed is that they got a lot more shrewd as businessmen, and made sure that they got the money as opposed to the record business. Rap record deals in the early days were often very unfair to the artists. Puff Daddy was one of the first to make himself the mogul but you also had Jay-Z, forgotten figures like Master P the guy who did No Limit Records one of the first big Southern rap labels, the Cash Money guys in New Orleans. These are all people who realised the way to really clean up was to own their own record label (which then entered into partnership on much stronger terms with major labels), but also to diversify into all these other areas: merchandising, lines of clothing, sideline ventures (Lil Jon with his Crunk energy drink), sponsorship and endorsements, movie appearances. And they wouldn’t just have their own career, they’d have protégés, or a whole crew they’d bring up behind them, with each member having a solo career. It didn’t always work out as planned but to be a rap star in the late 90s and the 00s meant also being a businessman, a transmedia operator, a brand manager and a career strategist with MC-ing only being a relatively small area of one’s focus. That might explain the deterioration of the art form! Now you have people, as the rap music business goes through the same crisis as the rest of the industry, who are building careers in a more do-it-yourself, grass roots, bottom-up way again, with the mixtapes and the steady flow of material to a more compact fan-base.”   

This idea of hip-hop coming full circle back to its street genesis with a focus on music instead of money could signify a change in incentives and accordingly, quality within the genre. But money isn’t the only thing which has affected music during the 00s. It seems like the changes in communication have also had an effect on people’s need to engage in a collective musical experience. As a result, we’ve seen the destruction of the record industry and an increase in the amount of artists trying to have a shot at the big time, but also inversely an increase in artists struggling to make a living from music. MySpace, blogs and MP3s, whilst initially created to increase communication and sharing, have actually destroyed collectivity by atomising the distribution and experience of music.

In an odd way, connectivity has been the enemy of collectivity” Simon agrees. “We are all much more connected and aware of each other’s business (on account of the social networking and display of taste via the web), yet the possibility of real collective shared experience through pop seems to have been badly eroded. This is partly to do with fragmentation, the replacement of public arenas of mass musical experience (in the UK that would once have been Top of the Pops, Radio 1 or the weekly music press), with a plethora of niche markets and narrowcast channels.  Occasionally there will be the old-style flashes of a mass media event that everyone is aware of…like Kanye and Taylor Swift at the MTV Video Awards, and these probably reach even more people because they can be YouTubed and seen by people who wouldn’t bother to watch the show itself. But it seems rarer and rarer.”

With faster broadband and an ever increasing amount of ‘zines, bloggers and YouTubers voicing their own opinions, it would be naïve to expect that music will recover the central position of success and renown it held in popular culture throughout every decade from the 50s up until the late 90s. However despite the diffusion of opinion on net-based media, big music magazines’ popularity still remains, as does their influence. I ask Simon if he thinks the music press innately hold a hegemony over general musical opinion and consequently affect people’s tastes and perceptions of music through the repeated use of buzzwords and buzz-bands.

“Not really. From my point of view it would be nice if you really could shift opinion in this way. Perhaps if a whole swathe of professional opinion actually manages to cohere around one figure, it would have some affect on the artist’s profile or sales. But it seems less and less common for consensus to form like that.  It used to also be the case that there was a kind of climate of opinion and sensibility that would form around music where, as you say, buzzwords and just the language of praise used by journalists would make certain kinds of sounds seem attractive. But I’m not sure even that goes on anymore, except in quite small niche areas, as with the whole glow-fi/memory-blurred aesthetic in mostly American indie this last year or so.

I think people have become more immune to these kind of influences because they’re so buffeted by opinion on every side – the amount of professional pop media is much, much bigger than it was when I grew up, but now we also have all the blogs and message boards, etc. mouthing off too. It’s a cacophony of opinion, and almost as a structural effect of people wanting to differentiate themselves and have a more interesting, cooler take, there will be full spectrum of opinion on any given thing. Everything will have its detractors no matter how good, and everything will have a defender, no matter how crap it is.  It is hard for an artist or group to achieve full spectrum dominance in the way that the Beatles did.”

It could be that the grassroots media of blogs and ‘zines are actually adding to the musical overkill rather than preventing it. Perhaps it’s not even that there are too many artists around, it’s just that there are too many people giving exposure to the most inconsequential of them. But if these artists are getting exposure and even ending up in Pitchfork’s ‘Top 200 Albums of the 2000s’ list, it makes me wonder whether music taste is purely subjective or can be swayed by reactionary writing which lauds style over substance. I’m talking Pete Doherty’s heroin addiction making his music more appealing than the music itself or perhaps The xx being hailed as genius when they’ve only been in the public eye for a few months.

“I don’t think music taste is completely subjective, and personally I can think of certain pieces of critical writing that opened up my ears to something and created a new taste for something in me. But I don’t think that people can be swayed to like music that is totally crap, purely by writing. There must be something in there that actually connects with them. Nearly everything that’s successful or popular has something in there. In the Libertines’ case the music had plenty of things going for it, and the whole back story and the off the rails chaotic charisma of Doherty made for a perfectly plausible package in terms of the media going for and the punters going for it too. It was the predictability of it that put me off them for so long, it was like the oldest story in rock; the druggy fuck-up. But I suppose at the time they came long you hadn’t any real sense of chaos in your music stars for a while, so Doherty and Amy Winehouse probably seemed like the genuine article in that respect; exciting throwbacks to a wilder, less careerist time. Of course it helped their careers because it gave them that authenticating stamp and kept them in the media with lots of column inches.  With Doherty it was actually rolled out as part of the promotional campaign for the second Libertines album, the fact that he was in prison. What I wonder with both is whether there was a willed element to it, like they chose to become fuck-ups because they yearned to have some kind of authentic equivalent to the blues experience, even that they had to work at it. Someone said that white middle class musicians could only access the blues type worldview through drug addiction.”

If Simon is right and there is a willed element to self-destruction, then music is more cynical than I thought; especially if record companies and the media use it as a promotional tool. And I’m still not convinced that people don’t buy into the whole style over substance thing anyway. If the Libertines’ music did have something attractive about it, then was it simply the image? I’m sure in many cases, the ramshackle charm of the music came later because fans had already decided the Libertines were good based on Doherty and Carl Barât’s antics reported in the media. Unsubstantiated these accusations may be but I can’t help being a cynic having seen the confused state music is in right now.

Indeed, the 00s was rife with confusion; indicative of the dominion of concessionary, commoditised art and the ever widening gulf between the good and the great, in part due to the things which in theory should have lessened it – blogs, MP3s, YouTube and MySpace. These individualised media tools widened the spectrum of general opinion and praise, but also that of criticism. As an inverse result of all the truths being spouted, the 00s had no galvanising truth and the disparity of musical quality and style is a result of this. With no sign of slowing down in the atomisation of the music community, it could be a while before we hear more music of universal relevance and greatness.

However, it also follows that artists can’t be wholly implicated in this. Social atomisation, as Simon emphasises, gives us – the audience – much more of a stake in music’s success and greatness too.

“Greatness/importance isn’t just an integral component of the record, it is partly conferred by an audience, and that becomes a cycle of amplification in so far a band responds to the fact that the audience is out there waiting on what they do. And if they know that, and also know there’s going to be wide ripples from whatever it is they next do, they respond by raising their game. I think musicians and bands in the 00s were responding, unconsciously, to a creeping sense of inconsequentiality. More and more of the most interesting musicians (the ones I like anyway) seem to be more about pursuing these idiosyncratic, almost solipsistic paths”

Whilst the 00s saw the power of communication expand rapidly and diffuse down to every person with access to the internet, Simon also points out that there comes a responsibility along with this – to support artists and respond to their music in a positive, enthusiastic way. Whether this is possible or not in a time where the gap between the good and the great is getting larger remains to be seen, but movements like grime and dubstep, along with defiantly brilliant artists like Radiohead, Panda Bear, Talib Kweli and Four Tet, prove that there is hope yet.

Nevertheless, remember that the future is, at least in part, in our hands.

CONDITIONED BY CIRCUMSTANCE

FREE WILL IS PROBABLY AN ILLUSION To be or not to be. That’s not really a question. However, the existence of free will remains a debatable issue. Do I make the decisions which govern my life or does someone / something else make them for me? A great many of our decisions are made for us by [...] Read more »

FREE WILL IS PROBABLY AN ILLUSION

To be or not to be. That’s not really a question. However, the existence of free will remains a debatable issue. Do I make the decisions which govern my life or does someone / something else make them for me?
A great many of our decisions are made for us by the times we live in. Virtually nobody these days thinks it’s acceptable to be homophobic or racist. But that is not a consequence of millions of rational minds individually coming to the conclusion that prejudice on those grounds is illogical. While a few leading intellects might have realized the folly involved, the vast majority of people have simply accepted new cultural precepts and gone with the flow. Our characters, then, are products of the times we live in. Do we think it’s acceptable not to stand when a figure of authority enters the room? Or to heckle someone of a different race? These questions are answered primarily by our circumstance rather than our innate faculties for reason.
All sorts of social prejudices and customs also govern us. I would love to be a film maker, for example. Unfortunately, in this life independent film-making is incredibly expensive and there are very few positions available doing that type of work. Instead, because Law is better respected and the pay is considerably greater I have decided to pursue a career in the legal trade. Thus, the nature of the world has once again foiled my true self; I am coerced into doing something I don’t really want to do.
Another source of restriction, is our upbringing. According to George Bernard Shaw ‘They fuck you up, your mum and dad’. Our formative years and the expectations of the world which we take from them are probably the single biggest determinant of how our lives will turn out. Expectations and results have an alarming correlation. Parents who demand that their children go to university invariably have children who go to university; those who have a burning love of books will often impart this onto their offspring. Our class prejudices, our life expectations and a great deal of the knowledge which shapes us comes from our parents and their values. And we have absolutely no choice over who they are.
One of the most intriguing ways in which inequality is driven into us is through expectations. Peter Mandelson, hardly a fan of Socratic dialectic, was philosophical enough to spot that in a just society ‘an equality of opportunity’ was not enough, what is needed is an ‘equality of expectation’. That is, people around you and you yourself need to have high expectations if you are to achieve in life. Being an excellent mathematician is not enough if you regard university as being snobbish and pretentious. Alternatively, parents who succumbed to alcoholism and drug-taking may be far more willing to accept the same traits in their children rather than enforcing a work ethic. What you are expected to be is usually what you become. If you are expected to get drunk at the pub on weekday night or leave school to take up a menial job – chances are, that’s what you’ll become.
The Spanish philosopher, Jose Ortega y Gasset noted this dilemma. ‘I am me and my circumstance,’ he said. Our class, age and nationality all make us act in certain ways. Gasset was quick to spot that this aspect of our own character was not chosen, nor was it biologically predetermined – yet it is inevitably going to change who we are.
A child born to a middle-class household with both parents at home is likely to enjoy a more prosperous and cultured existence than someone who is not. Just as the student who can draw on a wealth of financial and emotional support from home is likely to do better in their exams.
However this argument can be taken too far. Those who blame their circumstance are shifting blame away from themselves. When the law castigates someone for a misdeed it does so because each human is fundamentally responsible for their own lives and the course that they take. The suggestion that a character flaw is society’s fault rather than the individual’s is evidently invalid. Society is nothing more than a collection of individuals.
Even so, the individual and the aspect of society they are part of are entwined. That doesn’t mean we should condone violence on the basis that someone grew up on a rough estate. But through understanding what drives people and sections of the population to do certain things, we will be better placed to stop them doing wrong. Understanding and forgiveness are not the same thing.
Why people are who they are is also an important subject for politicians. If we judge where someone is in life solely to be a consequence of their own actions then we are unlikely to help them. If people are poor because they haven’t worked hard enough then state hand-outs and social security appear an injustice towards those who have done well. Alternatively, if we think people who have ‘failed’ in life have done so through no fault of their own then the inclination to give such unfortunates a wedge of cash for their troubles grows.
Thus how we think other people came to be should be as important as who they are.

SELF-SERVICE HEALTH SERVICE

CALUM YOUNG NEEDS IMPROVEMENT Read more »

Friedrich Nietzsche called it ‘The will to power’, Aristotle termed it ‘Eudaimonia’ and Socratic descendents know it simply as ‘the considered life’. In a time before How to make Friends and Influence People serious thinkers thought about the subject of self-help, and how we could improve our lives. Not many philosophers were able to come to conclusive answers on well-being; fewer still were able to put doctrine into practice when it came to their own affairs. The truth that those seeking happiness never seem to find it has been granted innumerable examples by the field of philosophy. Nietzsche himself, lost the love of his life in early age, spent most of his time alone and purposefully contracted syphilis during the only sexual encounter of his existence. But if Philosophy does little more than open the debate about self-improvement, it still serves a purpose. And it wouldn’t be the first time the discipline asked questions without providing concrete answers.

In the quest for personal development it may be best to look to someone, who on the face of it at least, did achieve well-being and social acceptance. Marcus Aurelius Antononinus (AD 121-80) was unusually both a Philosopher and a Roman emperor, two tasks which he completed successfully throughout the course of his life. Whilst campaigning on the Empire’s northern border Aurelius noted down his choicest thoughts in book which came to be known as The Meditations. Aurelius thought that that the human existence was one great organic order, and thus prised community and the collective. He held that the individual could only be happy and flourishing when the community he was part of was happy and flourishing. The community’s interest should neither out-weigh the individual nor should the individual out-weigh the community, because as Aurelius saw it, the two were mutually dependent. A useful metaphor here is the human body, when any part of it is diseased or unwell, the entirety of the individual is considered ill. Similarly within a society if the individual isn’t enjoying well-being the society itself is failing. In short, the path to improvement lies in community.

In practice this viewpoint means finding meaning in something greater than yourself. As a means to self development it necessitates volunteering within the community or engaging in some form of public service. Alternatively it might mean spending more time with friends and family rather than alone. There can be little doubt that going for a drink or having dinner out with friends helps nourish the soul. Solace is also often found in sharing problems with friends or rejoicing in our common experiences. Alternatively falling in love can also bring a new element into our lives and encourage us to try new things. When we broaden our existence we also usually better it.

Another source of advice on self-improvement during the ancient period was Plato, who developed his view on the correct way to live in The Symposium. Plato felt that man’s character could sharply be divided between two aspects, reason and the appetites. Accordingly each individual’s well-being could be improved if reason could come to master the sensuous pleasures and bodily appetites which govern our most basic urges. Through ignoring our short term wants and engaging our critical faculties Plato argued we would enjoy a life of inner balance and moderation, which would ultimately proof more fulfilling. Plato’s enthusiasm for restraint was also exhibited famously when he argued true love should express itself intellectually rather than physically – which is where the term Platonic love comes from.

In contrast Nietzsche thought that individual self-improvement was best brought about by neglecting society and the laws that it imposes entirely. Nietzsche held that self-development essentially meant achieving greatness and rising above other humans within society. Thus he postulated that it did the individual no good to be bound by moral laws. In his book Beyond Good and Evil, Nietzsche advocated human existence without any morals as they only constrained the individual’s ambitions. According to this view in order to develop the self, man ought to do whatever is necessary regardless of the harmful repercussions for others within society. Such was Nietzsche’s belief in greatness, that the individual’s awareness of truth ought also to be subordinated to it. For example, the path to political greatness might involve outstanding oratorical ability, which the individual may not have. Nietzsche would argue that rather than admitting this fact to himself the individual would do better to deny himself such truth that he might be more likely to achieve political success and greatness.

Ultimately self improvement takes time and hard work. It remains highly questionable whether reading a book or absorbing an intellectual argument can really change your life. Indeed, the business of philosophy is to find truth whatever it may be, whilst the job of the therapist is merely to find the parts of truth which concern happiness and thus energise people’s lives. The truth may be that however much time we spend at the gym, or however much time we devote to honing our nature, a certain amount of self dissatisfaction may be ineradicable.

A LOGICAL EXIT

CALUM YOUNG CONTEMPLATES ENDING IT ALL Read more »

Suicide, these days, gets a very bad press. Governments and institutions alike keep the figures under wraps; it is, for example, almost impossible to investigate past suicides amongst LSE students. When a young and physically healthy individual decides to terminate their own existence, friends, family and the media naturally reach for adjectives like ‘tragic’ and ‘inexplicable’. A great deal of this outpouring amounts to no more than self-pity, yet it is also a product of the sincere belief that the individual was mistaken in their decision. Most agree that despite what the person concerned may have felt about their own existence, it would have been far better for it to have continued. The grieving few left behind are expressing several philosophical points, albeit tacitly, which explain their actions. Such reasoning is invalid; suicide should not lead to widespread grief over the person concerned. Rather it is a perfectly rational decision which many very unhappy people choose to make each day.

Suicide is not tragic because an unhappy life is better terminated than maintained. There is no worth in simply continuing to be if your current state and probable future consists of depression, existence is not a virtue in itself. To the contrary life only becomes good if the individual can fill it with purpose and happiness, which regrettably not all of us can. Indeed, happiness is the only value which is inherently of worth, a truth first noticed by the philosopher Aristotle. In the nineteenth century Utilitarian philosophers took this viewpoint a step further, they proclaimed that throughout life we should all try to maximise our happiness and minimise our suffering. According to this logic those who are in a state of consistent unhappiness which shows no sign of abating take the perfectly reasonable decision to commit suicide, thereby minimising their pain.

Religious observers might have a problem with this. According to the Judaeo-Christian view life is sacred; each human existence is given an importance above and beyond that which its owner assigns to it. Because religion argues human existence is of significance in some realm beyond this one, experiences within our own lives do not solely determine what we do with them. In short, the believer has an unchosen obligation to maintain themselves, even in extreme displeasure. The countervailing humanist position, which is by-the-way correct, holds that the individual is sovereign. What happens to our existence or to it is freely chosen by each individual. The secular position grants people greater autonomy over their life, and thus the freedom to end it.

It is concomitant of atheism that any meaning in life has to be found or imposed by humans. This was the judgement of Existentialism, an intellectually dramatic movement which enjoyed widespread supportin the years following the Second World War. For most of its adherents, if not all of its contributors, the years 1939-45 were of primary importance to their interest in it. The central figures in the movement, John Paul Sartre and Albert Camus both expressed the view that man finds himself on earth without imposed purpose, confronted only by the brute fact of existence. Thus the individual is without an objective reason to be. Some existentialists went on to ask, if we have no reason to be, why should we continue with life? Camus captured the desperation brought about by this position in his essay The Myth of Sisyphus by saying at the outset that the great philosophical question is: shall I commit suicide?

Now if we may return to practicalities. It has been stated that humans should not commit suicide on the grounds that those they leave behind them are deeply hurt by the decision. Their pain is great and real, that is indisputable. But it is nothing compared to that of the individual who wants to die. The individual who chooses to commit suicide experiences pain and suffering which is so acute and all consuming as to make feeling nothing at all preferable. On utilitarian grounds then, we may say that the man who chooses to commit suicide suffers far more prior to his death than those of his friends and family after it. Happiness is maximised, pain is minimised.

Another argument runs that the individual who commits suicide is often wrong. Wrong in their appraisal of their own life and, hence, wrong in their decision to end it. This is where the belief that suicide is tragic stems from – things would have got better had they been given time to. This argument runs against the nature of every progressive and free society which holds that each individual is best placed to make decisions about their own life. Only the person who chooses to commit suicide knows what he is experiencing, no other individual can claim that. Thus, no other individual can say with any authority that it was the wrong decision. Further, a rational individual’s interest in their own life is constant and total, whilst the onlooker’s interest is transient and fleeting. Nobody knows more about an individuals life than the person living it, thus they are best placed to make the major decisions about it.

An expanding national suicide rate is also indicative of a free country rather than an unhappy one. Just as an increase in divorce rates advertises the freedom citizens enjoy within a society to act as they find most desirable. Saudi Arabia has a dramatically lower suicide rate than Britain or America, but it is not because its people are happier. A high suicide rate within a society suggests it to be composed of individuals who have the freedom to act as they wish, free from stifling social conventions, rather than a nation of depressives.

FAT LAD AT A SOUNDDESK

NATHAN BRIANT LISTENS TO CELEBARAMA FM Read more »

A few weeks ago the controversial ‘Execution of Gary Glitter’ was broadcast on Channel 4. The Guardian’s take on it demonstrated that that ‘everything’ on TV or radio today needs to be about celebrity. The Chris Moyles Show on BBC Radio 1 is further proof if we ever needed it – it’s utterly fixated on the culture of celebrity.

Henry Winkler is the first celebrity mentioned of many on the show today – Moyles saw him at a visit to BBC studios to see Strictly Come Dancing. How relatively young people of my age and below are supposed to have an almost mandatory education in Happy Days is a mystery to me; the last time I saw the programme must have been about fifteen years ago. The fact that Moyles’ material is based on someone whose career peaked in the mid 1980s is telling regarding.

Just as quickly as Moyles moves on from Winkler-spotting he introduces Ruth Jones and James Corden, the writers of BBC One’s mild sitcom Gavin and Stacey to the programme, and quickly pushes them off once they’ve had chance to promote their forthcoming show. The presenter seems proud to announce that he hasn’t watched the preview of their forthcoming series, which strikes as simply rude, and other else than funny. Plus, why would anyone blurt that out in the first place?

After Jones and Corden, Jedward get their opportunity to plug themselves on the programme, shoving into onto crassy populist ground if it wasn’t already. A production assistant gets the Irish tuneless gorms to record a trailer for the show. They even manage to bungle that, which isn’t really a surprise if you’ve suffered the torture of listening to their musical horrors recently.

Just as if this extravaganza of celebrity couldn’t get any more mainstream in walks Northern Funny Man Peter Kay. To be honest, I pulled out my headphones here. I couldn’t take any more show promotion. Moyles’ programme wasn’t a sly signpost towards Jones and Corden, and Kay’s forthcoming projects, more a huge shove.

Moyles isn’t a poor presenter if you’re not averse to listening to regular use of double entendre and repeated sound effects; Moyles’ programme is barnstorming if you’re one of the millions who like worrying about Jordan and Peter Andre, and unemployed sitcom stars. Clearly people do, unfortunately: it’s the X Factor transferred to national radio.

STARS AND STRIPES AND THAT

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With Justin Webb’s visit to the LSE for ‘Why I Grew to Love America and You Should Too’ being available as a podcast on the internet, and Kirsty Young asking Webb questions the event went off with a bit more pizzazz than initially expected. Webb was recorded in the NAB to promote his forthcoming book but the hour-long interview was entertaining, despite the fact much of it could have probably been read from an American politics textbook. Webb, a former editor of the Beaver, more recently North America Editor for the BBC and ‘Today’ presenter, helped endear himself to the audience by announcing that he couldn’t remember what subject he took at the LSE in the mid-1980s. Ah, that old chestnut.
Young tended to press Webb as lightly as she does her guests on Desert Island Discs but he managed to flesh his answers out and to a good length. Much of Webb’s insights as much as they were witty, warm and funny, can be said to have lacked a major insightful glint into the world of American politics. He describes travelling on Airforce One and incidents such as the Repubican Senator George Allen spewing out racist abuse at a news conference which killed a possible presidential bid before its conception. This was all great, but hardly brilliant investigative journalism. Allen’s escapade can be found through a simple YouTube search and was, as to be expected, a huge story in the USA. Perhaps he didn’t want to delve too deep and waste minutes on background minutiae. That said, the only exclusive that was mentioned was an interview given to his BBC colleague Matt Frei to George Bush. This may be telling of the ‘special relationship’: eight years in the United States and one notable, brief exclusive for the Beeb.

According to Webb the USA’s flag is collectively theirs’ – it hasn’t been ‘stolen’; they haven’t got a Morrissey or the BNP to contend with. There was one considerable bone of contention, however. Webb’s analysis that Britain ‘bends over backwards for ‘Arab Street’’ but it loathes ‘America Street’’ is a bit absurd when regarding what cultural impact America has had in the UK over the last half-century. As far as the America of 2009 goes there’s slight hints that he likes Obama, but was disappointed when the President emitted a less controlled persona such as his infamous ‘Special Olympics’ gaffe. Despite the mobile phone interference that was recorded onto the podcast nearly all the way through it’s well worth a listen.

For ignoramuses like the writer science can appear a bit alien. Everyone knows about Darwinism – agree with it or not – and Richard Dawkins, someone who’s quickly become a figurehead for such theories around the western world, has moved to the medium of pod casting.

Brilliantly simple and easy to watch since they’re only a couple of minutes long Dawkins’ mini-lectures are a joy to behold. ‘Ants that farm, compost and weed’ is filmed in front of an exhibition in an American university’s exhibition centre. It rings of Open University lessons that are broadcast through the middle of the night . It might have been the light marimba playing in the background or just the brilliant originality of it all that made it so enjoyable. Ants cutting leaves and zooming up in for a close up on a picture from an exhibit isn’t usually something that would be deemed excellent viewing but it was like watching a less elderly Attenborough in miniature. It may have been the science of it – ants cutting leaves, then not eating these leaves, but using them to build a habitat, then waiting for a fungus to grow on the collected leaves in order to eat that fungus and so on – is something that I wasn’t expecting to see on ITunes but Dawkins pulled it out the bag.

And all things being equal there’s inevitably some pap floating about in the ether. XFM is often seen to be the Mecca for indie music but based on the evidence here the station’s quality has dipped. Dave Berry’s podcast may have been having an off week, but on a station that launched Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant to the big time, and one that has aired Jimmy Carr and Adam and Joe, this show just doesn’t cut it. Sounding worryingly close to Russell Brand at times Berry is Brand minus the negligible jokes. Add to that that whoever cuts the podcast would appear to have severe arthritis in their hands resulting in the sound desk being bashed at random intervals: this may be how the show was cut; very little or no thought has gone into placing the show into cogent pieces which follow-on from eachother.

Most of Berry’s skits are half a minute to about a minute long which isn’t enough for development of anything at any point in time. Evidence of this is an interview with comedian Jason Manford that is so drab that thirds of it are cut and dotted about willy nilly supplemented with clips of Berry and his producer performing kick-ups in between. Listening to that all the way through would be too much for anyone.

Even worse, the presenter bursts into some kind of uncontrollable laughter every time a joke is told, so much so that it must be questioned whether he finds the things funny, since if he does he must find nearly everything humourous. It could be Berry being nice, an attempt at making his guest feel at ease. If it is, then it’s good he’s polite but it’s bloody annoying. And when half an hour of radio from four days of broadcasting has to be punctuated by a feature with an invited guest naming fish there is clearly something’s going desperately wrong somewhere.

MAKING PLANS FOR PETEY AND CRESSIDA

NATHAN BRIANT LISTENS TO RADIO FOR THE MIDDLE CLASSES Read more »

So many things at the BBC, however accurately, are deemed achingly middle-class, Home Counties fodder. It’s hard not to agree to some extent when listening to the News Quiz (Friday, BBC R4). The long-running programme – now remarkably into its sixty-ninth series – is driven very much in the ho-ho-ho guffaw mode in keeping with the Radio 4 at half-six tradition. What is deemed crude language, for example, will simply not be tolerated by the show’s audience of (judging by their laughs) fiftysomethings. Panellist Hugo Rifkind mentions a place that he (wrongly) thought sounded vaguely like ‘shit’: a blanket of silence from the audience greeted the gag. But later, panellist Sue Perkins mentions that a cutting from an advert sent by a viewer mentions a holiday home’s ‘decking incorporating a twenty-foot poo’. The audience resolves to split their sides. What we must take from this is that parents wouldn’t mind Petey and Cressida hearing defecation described as poo but – come on BBC – shit is too much.

From the selection of rather safe panellists on show it’s the aforementioned Steel who doesn’t seem that concerned in offending Petey and Cressida’s parents or the rest of the Chilterns. Decrying New Labour as behaving like ‘lost wet dogs’ to The Sun a couple of weeks ago his jibes are the spikiest jokes throughout the show: ‘Shall we sand our tongues down so it doesn’t hurt when we lick your arse? Do you want a quick go on Cherie?’
Though Rifkind is noticeably less vocal than the other panellists – something which dents taking the show’s quiz format seriously – it doesn’t take away from a few pretty good, albeit in the main infrequent British giggles, even if at times it is as if you’re listening to a script written by a church-attending insurance salesman from High Wycombe.

Though it’s difficult not to commend George Galloway’s rich enthusiasm for politics (perhaps arguing might be a more accurate word to use), however odd and incompatible his views tend to be, his show The Mother of All Talk Shows (Friday and Saturdays, talkSPORT) is more liable to criticism. His staged soliloquies are now legendary; they appear on about a ten minute basis, just as listeners around the country must reach over to switch the Nutter Hour for once and for all. On evidence here Galloway could probably talk in a locked room alone until the last joule of energy in his body had been used prattling on about the faults of New Labour and George W. Bush. Though once again it’s to Galloway’s credit that once a caller is on the line he lets them speak freely, and while this does make a welcome change from other talk shows, hearing Jonny from Northumberlandshire rattle on about this and that for three minutes is more than enough.

Once the programme was solely based around the Irish ‘yes’ vote on the Lisbon Treaty – the result having been declared earlier in the day – it was inevitable that Galloway was going to get the odd Empire-lover ringing in as he kept on bashing on about how the EU was a brilliant concept to defeat the neo-con USA. I knew that, he knew that – it’s ammunition for Galloway to blast a poorly educated and seemingly permanently unemployed Brummie out the political waters which is really disappointing, especially in the way that it’s done so blatantly for the host’s benefit.

A show either of total disagreement and verbal punch-ups (until talkSPORT HQ cuts the phone line), or one of absolute conformity and deference towards the host, it struggles greatly to stand up as a show of cogent argument and reason. The only thing coming out improved here is Galloway’s hideously inflated ego and income.

A Month of Sundays (Sundays, BBC 6 Music) is a push-a-thon for the half of Supergrass who have decided to leave the band’s bass player and keyboardist in bed (see the band’s video of their 1995 single ‘Alright’) and go it alone by recording a cover album of ‘their very favourite songs’ as the Hot Rats. Fortunately, Gaz Coombes and Danny Goffey don’t go over the top where the luxury of free advertising is concerned; in two hours of radio they play two songs worth of ‘Hot Rats’ work. Both regularly stress through the programme that they’ve never done any radio work before, but this probably works to their advantage; their musings are enough fun and make for a decent listen. The best thing of this two hours, however, was its formidable playlist, however haphazard their organisation regarding picking the songs clearly was (they play the Talking Heads at one point and then they play Brian Eno. I think those two records may have been stacked close together for a good reason…) To think what fifty per cent of Supergrass were pumping out on a Sunday afternoon and comparing that with what Radio 1 and commercial pop stations were playing at that time made me feel a bit smug, which can’t necessarily be a bad thing.

PLUG, PLUG, PLUG AWAY!

NATHAN BRIANT LISTENS TO THE STEREOGRAM Read more »

Seemingly everybody’s got something to plug except me and my monkey. Ricky Gervais’ video podcast (iTunes and rickygervais.com) features this week his other ,less-known fellow partner in podcast fun, the Mancunian former XFM producer Karl Pilkington in order to promote his film, The Invention of Lying. It’s in the typical mould of the Gervais podcast, (albeit minus the other musceteer, Steve Merchant) in that it involves Pilkington doing the majority of the talking whilst Gervais sits there occasionally, waiting for one of Pilkington’s uniquely trite statements on what he thinks that particular day; usually it involves brains and other planets. Here he suggests that Gervais and his production company don’t bother promoting their new blockbuster. Too much work, he says. Instead Universal should hope that the film’s competitors all sell out, and that cinema-goers will be enticed into going to see Gervais’ film on the basis that watching something would be better than going home filmless. That said, Pilikington tells Gervais it’s better than the box office flop King Ralph. But he’s got a way to becoming the next Barry Norman, it must be said.

Another plugger was to be found on (the interviewee-from-the-previous-week-sits-in-for-the-next-week-as presenter interview show) Chain Reaction (BBC R4, Wednesday) in the shape of Alistair McGowan. Unfortunately for McGowan since the conversation with ex-Number 10 spin doctor Alastair Campbell was recorded a few months ago, the only noticeable reason for him being on the show at time of recording – in order to advertise his Edinburgh Festival show – seems to have been broadcast about two months too late. As with many comedians or impressionists, he is freely giving with his observations; but if anything he takes them to excess. He cares passionately about the environment, we’re told in the introduction by Campbell – McGowan adds he delivered leaflets for the Green Party in the late 1980s and early 1990s – but sadly when Campbell gives him a rare opportunity to explain his opinions he gives one fact on Britain’s recent successes on recycling and lapses into a good but albeit unnecessary impression of Gordon Brown. He’s one of the best impressionists in the country but having described himself first and foremost ‘a writer’ at the start of the show it is a shame that McGowan constantly sees the need to move away from his own persona, particularly since he is clearly a warm and witty man in his own right.

Campbell doesn’t help by casually reminding the audience of his interviewee’s talent: ‘Do Tony [Blair]!…Because you can’t do Alex Ferguson, can you?
Despite the fact that in Answer Me This! (iTunes/answermethis.wordpress.com) self-promotion isn’t necessarily the primary aim it’s in spades throughout the half-hour chat-a-thon. Unfortunately, the hosts of the podcast, Olly and Helen (in whose front room the podcast is recorded) refer to themselves so frequently it starts to grate severely once you pick up on it, so much is it’s relentlessness. The tediousness of the podcast is swelled to greater degrees since the questions asked are questions that literally no-one – except the goons that have phoned or emailed in hoping to be mentioned – would take the time to care about; one topic of conversation was: ‘why is it a commonly held belief that if we’re abducted by aliens humans would be subject to anal probing?’

Other than Gillian McKeith I can’t recall off hand the name of someone that they didn’t know being given the briefest mention throughout the thirty minutes, and let’s face it, if you’re going to mention anyone lest it be McKeith. The chatter went thus for a few minutes: early into the half-hour (Olly) ‘My girlfriend was a pantomime horse once!’. At most two minutes later: (Helen this time) ‘when I was nine I went to Brownies’…a few minutes pass, then Olly’s boarding school masturbation issues, and how he would dispose of the said tissue in early adolescence was mentioned… and then this was hilarious, right, because Olly used to ride a girl’s bike – THEN! Helen’s brother used to have a girl’s bike at university! AND IT WASN’T EVEN STOLEN EVEN THOUGH HE LEFT IT OUTSIDE THE TRAIN STATION FOR FIVE – (YES, FIVE!) – WEEKS OVER CHRISTMAS!

SUCH IS FAME

The lights around the mirror hit me hard in my eyes. I’ve had them closed tightly for so long that they struggle to adjust to the naked yellow bulbs. I bring the white square handkerchief to my brow and find that not only am I sweating to no end; I also have a light damp [...] Read more »

The lights around the mirror hit me hard in my eyes. I’ve had them closed tightly for so long that they struggle to adjust to the naked yellow bulbs. I bring the white square handkerchief to my brow and find that not only am I sweating to no end; I also have a light damp path down my cheek where an unnoticed tear has rolled down. As my eyes come into focus I begin to see myself. But it’s not myself. Not the me I once knew. Once upon a time I had a full head of black hair – now it’s thinning a little and makes me look a bit like my dad. A few grey hairs at the sides? When did they come through? Were they there this morning? I can’t remember. Once upon a time my skin was supple and pink and clean. Now it looks slightly inelastic and dumpy. I touch my lips with my hand. Fingertips are yellow from years of too many cigarettes. God I wish I could light one in here. Sweet nicotine sounds so soothing right now.

A man in a white tee-shirt knocks on the dressing room door, comes in without waiting for me to answer and tells me that I only have ten minutes. But I’m not really listening to him as he talks. All I can hear is what is down the corridor. I go there mentally. Out the door. Left to the end of the pallid white corridor and through the muslin curtain to the stage. The stage. The lights. But above all the people. The noise and the people. I feel my neck muscles tense slightly and my heart sinks like a stone as the realisation of what I will be doing soon plays out in my mind. Ten minutes. I nod my head and force a cracked smile at the announcer.

As he leaves my ‘manager’ pushes past him at the door and immediately I know he he’s going to tell me something stupid, or banal, or discouraging. But it isn’t really that bad, what he tells me. Apparently some “fans” want to meet me. I tell him no, and look down at my black lace shoes. When was the last time they were polished? Were they ever? But my ‘manager’ lets the “fans” in despite my weak protest; such is the power in what I think these days – it’s nonexistent. When did he begin to disregard what I think, I wonder? Five years ago? Longer, surely. Ten probably. He probably saw this coming a long time before I did, this ‘life’ I lead now.

The “fans” are two women quite clearly in their late thirties. The worst kind. Their generation has been around to see my whole existence from start to… well, not finish… just a kind of limbo of what I suppose is ‘now’. They loved watching me on TV the first one says. I nod in apparent appreciation. I loved watching me on TV too. Not now, though, those tapes are too painful to sit through. Too many memories of what was. Where have I been since that show the second one asks. Immediately I see every club I’ve ever played at in my mind. Every dank, depressing, decrepit hellhole that looks and sounds and feels exactly like this one does too. Has exactly the same dressing room as the one I’m in now. Exactly the same corridor and muslin curtain to get to the stage as this club. Exactly the same drunken noises and smells and chatter that I can hear now, just outside the room. Exactly the same “fans” who always wonder where I’ve been and why I’m no longer on TV.

Working on new material, I tell them. Like fuck I am. The last time I ‘worked’ on anything myself Major was still prime minister. They smile and thank me for signing their arms and leave. My ‘manager’ and I look at each other and have nothing to say to each other. Phha… That’s new. He leaves the room and closes the door behind him. I’m alone. Just me and the mirror; I don’t do anything but stare at my own tired eyes for a while.

The white tee-shirt man comes back in – this time without knocking – and tells me one minute. I nod again, and feel my stomach contract strongly and painfully as I stand up. Looking in the mirror I try to tie my bow-tie. But I can’t – my fingers shake too much. God I need a cigarette. I go over the words in my mind. But I can’t remember them. Fuckin’ hell; I wrote that song thirty years ago and people still want to hear it. Maybe not TV audiences, but shitty clubs in the east end still pay a couple hundred pounds for an appearance.

Such is “Fame”

GAME OFF

ALEX WHITE DOESN’T WANT TO PLAY WITH YOU Read more »

When Geri Halliwell sang about men precipitating from the heavens above, Call of Duty: Modern Warfare II had clearly not been released on the same weekend. A mere two weeks ago the majority of men vanished temporarily, not to be contacted or seen until they’ve obliterated mankind, or whoever and whatever the hell it is that they’re supposed to be shooting at.

A friend of mine queued up at midnight to get his pre-ordered copy. Sweet jesus man, it’s not the new bloody Harry Potter, you’re not a 12 year old girl, and no sex-goddess from the game is going to jump out of the box and play with your game console.

By the way, players of either gender, it’s well creepy. You could be enjoying time spent in the company of alluring members of the other sex, or with friends, or at the absolute very least people you’ve actually sodding met. Instead, you’re on your sofa talking to Max_the_destroyer37 from Canada about the imminent threat of the zombiepiratewerewolfafghan warriors coming over the hills. It’s just never going to be cool in my eyes. Although, the graphics are amazing man.

Why do people hide behind the foil of appreciating the art of a computer game? That’s clearly not why you’re playing. You want to like, shoot stuff and shit. Cut the crap and admit it, so that I can streamline my piss-takery. Of course, gamers are not drawn exclusively to the mind-bending violence that corrupts our children and leads to terrorism and that. Never underestimate the power of football games.

I am convinced that Pro-Evolution Soccer is the devil’s curse on womankind. I could walk into a room naked but for a whip and lace up boots, and prance around in front of the screen whilst pro-evo is being played and men will not so much as blink.

Once, my friend James introduced me to his two best friends, who were playing pro-evo at the time. ‘Guys, this is my good friend Alex. Alex, Tom and Max’. ‘Alright’, Tom yaps inbetween players names. Is he saying ‘hi’ to me or to the pixelated Thierry Henry? I just can’t tell. Max though, oh irritatingly attractive Max, takes it to a whole new level: ‘James, is she cute? Describe her to me’, says he without taking his eyes off the screen. Are you bloody kidding me? I’m sitting right fucking here, and you can’t even have the human decency to flick your eyes over to perv on me? I demand to be objectified properly, damnit.

This I fully attribute to the latent evil of PES. Poor, good looking, but misguided Max was but a foot soldier in the war against women waged by Playstation. Not just women though. Oh no, the devil makes work for idle thumbs, allegedly. Men with dexterous and slimline thumbs, but great big beer guts are rife in our modern society. Love up the football, if you want, but if that’s the case then get the hell out and actually play it. Even if you’re no good. I promise, you’re still substantially more likely to trick someone into bed. Me, maybe.

It’s not even that I don’t like video games. A cheeky little bit of Diddy Kong Racing? Cracking. Any game on the Wii, I’m loving it like the advertising campaign is loving MacDonalds. I’ve even been known to rock out to a bit of Dungeons and Dragons.

That last one was a lie. I totally haven’t.

Escapism I understand. Taking out your aggression on computer coding that look like enemies isn’t the worst idea in the world, and the wish-fulfillment enabled by some games is grand too. But bugger me if there’s any need to lock yourself in for a week, following a month of anticipation at the release of a new game. That must be the absolute physical antithesis of escapism.

So it is that I have come, twenty years into my life, to despise our postmodern condition: a wealth of game manufacturers have taken the joy of living in a peaceful and prosperous time, and sold the thrill of war. War and football. They’ve pretty much sold Christmas 1914 in the Trenches.

Call me a grinch, but I’m not buying into it. But really I’m just jealous.

Next Stop T.F.Hell

BUS-TING OUT SOME RAGE Read more »

Now don’t get me wrong, I think public transport is great. Coming from a place about as accessible as Machu Pichu, I think it’s a fucking miracle that a bus can take me from my front door to practically anywhere in London. No, my problem with TfL and their piss poor bus services runs a lot deeper than the fairytale timetable it claims to operate. While it would be unfair to say that they crap in my cornflakes every day, they just about always do.

As with all these things, the bus journey from hell always happens on an already shit day. Having battled to drag yourself out of bed, still slightly drunk from the shamefully predictable night that ended in the Tuns, stood comatose in your shower letting the lukewarm water dribble over you and stumbled to the bus stop you stand patiently for your chariot to arrive and take you to your 9am class. As you’re presenting on the finer points of Moravcsik’s views of the Democratic Deficit you’ve given yourself a respectable 20 minutes leeway to make it in, what can possibly go wrong? Answer = fucking everything.

The first problem you are likely to incur is the complete ignorance of bus drivers to the concept of bus timetables. 10-12 minutes in bus language means whenever the fuck they feel like turning up. Predicting your journey time is like trying to guess when the Student Loans Company will decide to give you money. Very predictably however, every other bus in the entire district will drive past – several times. No exaggeration, I once watched SEVEN number 185s go past my stop before either of the two, supposedly more frequent services that I needed, arrived. The saying then goes that “when waiting for a bus, three will arrive when they finally do”. I’m now pretty certain bus drivers heard this expression and have decided it would be funny to do exactly that.

Assuming you manage to get onto a bus having overcome the series of inane obstacles that lie in your way (namely bus drivers ignoring your request for them to stop, shutting the doors on you or just having a crap oyster card reader that claims you’ve already given Boris all of your mythical student loan) you then have to find yourself a seat manoeuvring past morons staring blindly into nothingness listening to their shit music on their iWanks. If you are lucky enough to find a perch, unfortunately next to an obscenely fat sweaty man reading the Daily Racist, you can finally begin to hope that you might make it to LSE vaguely on time. You may even hit the jackpot and get the holy grail of the Double Decker bus: a window seat. This is not always the blessing it first seems though. For some reason, completely beyond anyone’s imagination, Tfl has instructed its drivers to leave the heating on ‘incinerate’ all year round.

Even when the sun beams down on London for those few hours in July they insist on leaving you to melt. Oh but it’s really nice when it’s cold outside you say? Here’s a novel idea – If it’s cold when you walk out of the door wear a fucking coat. Then the rest of us can stop being stewed in our own juices.

Now, if you survived the best part of your journey without gouging out your own eyes, you might actually be on time with a handful of seconds to spare! Despite your painful trip, soundtracked by the guy who has shit headphones and then plays his music so loud you have to listen to the tinny faeces of Kings of Leon, you’ve nearly made it to the hallowed walls of Houghton St. Despite everything, buses in London do a very good job of helping transport millions every day for what is actually a very low fee (I pay £6 for a single journey 10 minutes down the road in Yorkshire). While it would be unfair to say that they crap in my cornflakes every day, they just about always do.

Then, God takes a massive shit on your head. “This bus is being held here temporarily to help regulate the service”. Cunts.

Aunt Beverly

Inappropriate thoughts about the length of your aging Philosophy lecturer’s legs? Bartered your class notes for a long-overdue fondle? Auntie Shaw’s illegitimate 2nd cousin twice removed is here to offer her thoughts on your misfortunes. Read more »

Dear Aunt Beverly,

I am in love. But the guy that I know I’m meant to be with is going out with my friend. Bitch. How do I make it clear to him that when it comes to me, he can have it all? I met him first. It’s only fair. I know we could be so good together.
Lovestruck and Scheming, 2nd Year

Dear Shite Friend,
What a pickle you have created for yourself. You are clearly living in some unknowable universe; the centre of which you seem to think revolves around you. This is a most terrible way to treat your friend. Is there any inkling that this chap is at all unhappy or that he would rather be with you, hmm? If not as I suspect is the case, you really need to put aside this silly infatuation you have and move on with your life and leave your friend to her relationship. Really dear, I think you would benefit from a few hours working in a soup kitchen: helping others is a good way to stop thinking about yourself.

Dear Aunt Beverly,
I’m wondering how it’s best to go about procuring myself a license to practice Chinese medicine. I have always been told that I have a pleasant bedside manner and several girls rave about my healing hands. Western medicine is just so boring. Plus I’ve just done a geography module on the landscape of China and I feel like I’ve really connected with the natural culture of the country.
Wannabe Healer, 3rd Year

Dear Fan-of-ridiculous-disciplines,
Well now this is certainly a first. Do you know I’m not quite sure? Might I suggest you pop into one of the many herbal remedy shops littered around the city and ask one of the practitioners? However, I think the market for Chinese herbalists and medics has been pretty well covered by the Chinese themselves. Why don’t you think about becoming a barnyard masturbator? That way you can combine the tricks of your healing hands with your penchant to think outside the box? All the best, pet.

JUST SPLIFFING

LUKAS SLOTHUUS IS WEEDING OUT THE NONSENSE Read more »

When the UK Government reclassified Cannabis from Class C to Class B in January the arguments were entirely ridiculous. “Skunk now dominates in the UK”, the Home Office stated. Maybe the policy advisors were test-smoking at the time? That might explain where the ludicrous legislation came from at least.

Those grey-haired ignoramuses in Westminster fundamentally fail to understand drug use and its appeal. Why is it that our dear Jacqui Smith and her straight laced posse seriously think they know better than pharmaceutical experts? Clearly, they don’t.

So why is skunk now dominating the market? The obvious answer is that when people are already stigmatised as criminals and outlaws when buying half a gram of ‘hash’ (to distinguish it from the whole Cannabis class), they might as well go all in and buy a few grams of skunk instead. The risk of being caught and punished is exactly the same and the predicted pleasure from smoking skunk rather than hash is higher in terms of THC content (for Jacqui Smith and those in the back row: the key psychoactive substance in Cannabis). Skunk is more harmful to the body than regular hash. No discussion. Surely, not one level-headed proponent of drug legalisation would explicitly want people to do more, or stronger, drugs. In fact, the reclassification of Cannabis could have adverse effects: given that ‘Cannabis’ encompasses both skunk and hash, the issue of increased consumption of skunk is not addressed at all. It is a down-right farce: Drug users will move from hash to skunk, but we would rather have people smoke hash than skunk. So we reclassify both? Cracking.

The alternative for people smoking skunk is not suddenly eating Cadbury chocolate bars or buying Subway sandwiches. The alternative is obviously other drugs, and if people want to do drugs, they’re going to go ahead and get high. The American Journal of Public Health published a report in 2004 stating that regular Cannabis users largely disregard legislation, and toughening drug laws has minimal impact. This is why figures of addicts seeking help doubled in Portugal after they loosened legislation in 2001, but the number of Cannabis users didn’t increase. The same happened in the Netherlands. Simple: when skunk possession holds higher penalties, users will simply migrate to other substances, or not care at all and still smoke skunk. In other words a ‘drug-vacuum’ appears which granny’s chocolate chip cookies can’t fill, because they taste like hell and don’t get me stoned.

The UK is not the only country holding soft drugs hostage. George W. Bush said in 2001 that “If you quit drugs, you join the fight against terror in America.” In what way does that make sense? This typical Conservative approach to drug use is really rather pathetic. And nowadays there doesn’t seem to be any room for change, President Obama refuses to do anything to reinstate just drug policies. What a surprise. So, back to Jacqui Smith. I can’t keep my thoughts off her, that mynx. She wrote in the Drug Strategy last year that “we want a society free of the problems caused by drugs.” Wise. Lets go ahead and give her a Nobel Peace Prize! The Drug Strategy was from last year, you say? No problem. She can still have this year’s prize. Or next year’s. They’re doling them out like candy, apparently.

I cannot understand why politicans today are too short sighted to appreciate that when drugs are legal you can impose a quality-control and tax them. This means making sure that youngsters don’t get their hands on obscure derivatives and dangerous forgings, which in fact goes for all drugs. The judicial system exists to protect its citizens but in the current landscape, everyone is worse off except murky drug dealers. Why not let the money flow between law-abiding citizens, certified farmers, and the government instead? In July the Home Office released a report stating that drug use is skyrocketing. Not in line with the cerebral haemorrhage of a decision Jacqui Smith made when she went against the experts. Her strategy failed, Alan Johnson will commit political suicide if he goes against it, and the Conservatives won’t improve the situation. The anti-legalisation propaganda machine is oiled as always and irrationality prevails once again. This is why I hate populism.

WATCH THIS SPACE

ALEX WHITE WON’T BE TUNING IN Read more »

We have a genuine crisis on our hands, friends. An entire generation of young, upwardly mobile, educated youths with an interest in current affairs has been reduced to the sole conversation topic ‘have you seen that episode of South Park where X happens to Y…?’

No. No I bloody haven’t. Or maybe I have, and I don’t remember. Or maybe I have, and I do remember, but I have better conversation topics hiding up my sleeve than retelling often half-arsed, visually based jokes that everyone’s already heard the punch-line to.

I’d hate to be mistaken. South Park is often funny. Or rather, South Park is sometimes funny. South Park is a bit hit and miss: there’s a statement we can agree on. For example, only ‘I don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die’ grasps the ludicrous nature of menstruation, in the face of science and history. 1-0, South Park. But vast swathes of it are not nearly as funny as the show has been given credit for.

Did you watch last weeks episode of South Park when the spirit of Michael Jackson possessed the body of a kid and they had to all like, go to a pageant and like, dress him up as a girl cuz that’s all he ever wanted in life and stuff? How totally not particularly funny was THAT? The best thing about it was ‘chipotlaway’. Just to recap, the single most humorous aspect of a half hour comedy show which enjoys cult status is a pun and a reference to terrible product naming.

To be honest with you, were it not for the fact that it is the single most dropped name in adolescent male conversation, bar maybe Megan Fox, I wouldn’t have quite such an issue with South Park: at least it’s topical, verging on satirical. Worse still are the dickheads who ask me, ‘have you seen that episode of Family Guy when X happens to Y…?’

Where South Park claws back some points, Family Guy absolutely lets them slip again. The show is not topical, nor is it serial. There is no running plot, so how can it possibly warrant going out of your way to watch each week? Peter fighting with a chicken? Yeah, that jokes not going anywhere is it? It’ll still be funny when I watch it accidentally on TV in eight months time.

On the other hand that joke haltingly described is really not funny. A primarily visual medium, with a long set up and a large amount of slapstick will never be one for the dinner party chat, it simply doesn’t translate. To the perpetrators: that really grinds my gears.

What I shall dub the ‘havvyawatched’ culture isn’t simply irksome, but it full on frightens me crapless. South Park has had an enormous, but overlooked cultural impact; the ‘Chewbacca defence’ used in an early episode has been used subsequently by a number of criminologists, political commentators and forensic scientists, to describe similar deliberately confusing tactics in legal courts.

This suggests that in the legal offices of an attorney somewhere, a group of well paid professionals are sitting at a consultation table saying, ‘did you watch that episode of South Park where they use the Chewbacca defence? Lets totally see if that works’. Not merely that, but the forensic scientists are saying the same thing followed with ‘is that what they’re doing here?’. Imagine, if you haven’t already put the paper down to google the episode, an entire legal system built by our tragicomic generation who think merely in terms of past shows. I envision a terrible courtroom in which a man in a wig stands up and postulates: ‘Your Honour, have you watched that episode where my defendant killed him? No? Nobody has? I rest my case’.

Our ‘havvyawatched’ compatriots are all intelligent, with a good sense of humour, and some grasp of current affairs: a dream singles ad, if you will. Looking for: other people to quote at. Actual conversation not required. Banter provided, courtesy of Parker and Stone. These avid watchers are more than capable of coming up with funnier concepts than ‘fish sticks’, but our feckless generation provides a network of laziness, so that at least once a week, they can fall back on the bad-taste jokes, and know that someone will laugh along.

If that’s what you’re looking for sweet-cheeks, just join the bloody AU.

DON’T BE APOSTROPHOUS

THIS IS AN ARTICLE WHAT ALEX WHITE WRIT Read more »

There comes a point in each young person’s life, however wonderful he or she may be accustomed to thinking of themselves as, when they look at themselves and think, ‘you’re a bit of a dick’.

Looking at a war crime commemoration plaque in a Cambodian prison , I went right ahead and corrected the grammar on the English plaque for the benefit of my likewise literate companions. It was then that I decided that I am, in fact, a total dick. Not only for the sheer callousness of what I had done, but because I am often hideously grammatically inaccurate myself, and not even in an ironic way.

If I was better at grammar perhaps, I wouldn’t daily be called up on the fact that it should be were. If I cared more about it, it wouldn’t annoy the hell out of me every time I am corrected, maybe. Which makes me an even worse person. Note my cavalier use of semi-clauses and field of unnecessary commas. Pay attention to the fact that I have yet to use a single exclamation mark because I am on a one woman crusade to eradicate the use of them unless entirely and totally called for. Maybe you, too, take a certain pride in your anal retentiveness over punctuation and grammar. Maybe you, also, shout out with misplaced pride, ‘I GIVE A FUCK ABOUT AN OXFORD COMMA! I really do!’

Those exclamation marks were warranted, unlike my snobbish attitude to grammatical accuracy. It is pedants like myself, filled with a sense of purpose endowed by a three year long essay course, who ruin the development and variation of the English language. Fact. The greatest of poets win accolades for their inventive restructuring of language to reinvent meanings. The void and hope created by a well placed bit of enjambment is not lost on me, friend, oh no. I’m only really cool with it because it’s all high-brow and stuff. Again, what a prick.

A great big blog LOL for many is the pure joy of ‘Chinglish’, where signs or menus are translated literally from the Chinese characters into ‘exploding general chicken’ or ‘chicken mushroom rape’, and the like.

What most Anglophones don’t consider though, is that the English does not exist for their benefit. Just as I’m madly impressed by ‘Canard au confit’ on a menu, the English translations signal class and status to customers, who couldn’t care very much less if their chicken had any ranking in the army, nor how it was killed.
Agreement, word order, personal pronouns: these are fairly arbitrary to anyone who hasn’t been schooled to think that the English language must be upheld as a sign of the strength of Britain and our wonderful education system.

So for my resolution on a new term, I say: screw the grammar police! Ima leave yo’ ranks! I ain’t yo’ footsoulja no more! I’m havin fun wit yo’ gramma! Not your grandmother, just the strict rules and regulation by which you govern if I’m speaking proper English or what. Out go the semi-colons of old! See my positive gush of avoidable exclamation marks!

With my new, liberated sense of abandon, I invite you, dear reader, to cavort with me in the jungle of my favourite sentence of all time, with fresh delight. ‘Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo’. It’s a real, accurate sentence, but it feels dirty and wrong! It’s full on grammar porn: Verb, noun, and adjective are all the same word, but mostly, it’s all sorts of fun to be saying. Suck on that, conventionally constructed sentences! I’m pretty much a massive word master.
In one of my classes last year, a friend of mine told our teacher that she hadn’t written an essay we were assigned because the very exercise of essay writing limited creativity and bounded thought, and thus the true originality behind the words were necessarily constrained and thus undermined. Surprisingly enough, she sort of got away with it.

That’s my excuse for this article. I could have descend into a pretentious stream of consciousness, or just given up and written only in infinitives. But my hardwired essay writing training is begging me to reign in, punctuate, and make all of my verbs agree. This attempt to chill out on the grammatical dickishness has invariably returned to a platform on which I can flaunt just how much I think I know about grammar. Like I said, I pretty much think I’m a word master. As long as I don’t mess with the prescribed path.

Think about that next time you tell me the use of language in my essay is just ‘generally good’, teaching assistant bastard.

THE SPIRIT OF REBELLION

MARION KOOB QUESTIONS THE NEED FOR ACTION Read more »

Rebellion is a rite of passage. As the human being ages, he discovers and accustoms with his environment, and this inevitably leads to disillusionment. The dreams of an ideal world so carefully nurtured in childhood through his education are brought to an arid standstill. Gone are the happy endings of the much-loved Disney movies, the easy solutions which always reward the worthy and punish the evil, the puzzle-perfect denouements. We realize that our lives lack the steady narrative of fiction, and are rather a series of disconnected and confused actions, emotions and encounters. There are no happy endings because, simply put, our sole ending is death. We discover what Mr. Walt Disney had failed to account for: the morning after happily ever after.

The reactions stemming from these rips in our naivety express themselves in diverse ways, but follow a similar progression. We begin to question authorities which once seemed invincible- first attacking the closest at heart, our parents, our teachers, perhaps even our religion. By witnessing the fall of perfection, we come to see that the figures which we had once seen are authorities are just as questionable as we find ourselves. Error is not solely a symptom of youth, but rather, a characteristic of human nature.

The ageing process pursues its course, and as most of our predecessors, we emerge from this phase-but not unscathed. University students move away from this first stage of bewildered anger, yet the root of idealism still remains. We simply have moved our frustrations towards bigger, greater aims. End world hunger, freedom of speech, bringing about peace- or simply make a stand to improve our adored abstract concept of “the world”. This is where the volunteering, the protests, pledges, petitions, angry manifestos, and lyrical prose all comes to play a part in our drive to change things.

That is what is particularly interesting. The young are usually the most open to change—but this too often disproved by their love of protest. A small example of this are the chronic lock-downs which have been taking place over the past few years in France’s secondary education institutions. Whether about creating more flexibility in the labour market (introduction of a new contract called ‘C.P.E.’ ) or giving universities more independence from the government, students have taken to the streets, paralysing the course of their studies. One cannot help but feel that this is more out of an impulse to protest-against anything, anyone, just as long as it represents ‘the system’. Any opportunity to express common anger is seized with fervour, with little consideration towards the effectiveness of the actions taken themselves.

There is definitely something noble, however, in this will to pit all of one’s energy to one cause. And history has proven that many of these student movements- Sophie Scholl’s White Rose, May 1968, Tiananmen 1989, or the current situation in Iran, for instance – were far from futile, in their symbolic value at the very least.

Why is it that idealism- and this desperate urge to make a stand- is so often lost in the mature adult population? Why for instance, were there not virulent manifests of anger after the financial crisis? It would be of course unfair- and widely inaccurate- to say that the collapse of the markets stimulated no reaction whatsoever. However, they pale in comparison to our potential for movement, as our antecedent crises show.

Hence, perhaps for most, realism and resignation hits home, and the hope of a majestic change for the better are dispelled with the gain of experience. Others find that fending for themselves requires all of their energies. Naturally, the idealism doesn’t die away in all of us- and if it does, it fades in varying degrees.

Recently, it has been said that even many of us have lost the will to pick up the fight in the name of ideas. A satiation with our lifestyle, some suggest. After all, it makes sense to say that burning issues, such as basic freedoms and needs will inevitably result in more dramatic responses. And after all, most of these historical demands are now guaranteed to us from birth. On the other hand, although they are perhaps not as geographically tangible, many of these problems remain. That surely should be no excuse for apathy. Flicking through the Socialist Worker Student Society (SWSS)’s guide to occupation (an either frightening or amusing experience), one can find the Independent quoted as such: “They are the iPod generation of students: politically apathetic, absorbed by selfish consumerism, dedicated to a few years of hedonism before they land a lucrative job in the City.” Although the statement is clearly exaggerated by political bias, it is worth asking ourselves the question- have we become our parents, the ‘system’ before our own age?
The SWSS, with its own particular brand of idealism, seems to think not. “A seismic change is taking place in British universities”, the quote follows. In their description of their own student movement, they attribute the ease of mobilizing students with their relatively free schedules. This would allow for a greater friction of ideas. However, the argument also (unwillingly) suggests that the art of the rebellion is a luxury which only those who do not have a full-time job can afford to spend time on.

In the end, the essence of rebellion may to provide a means to escape the way in which we envisage our future. In our desire for an exit away from the routine life to which we seem destined, it is easy to slip into the belief that after our fight for (whichever) cause, we will not have to trail down a similar path. The novel Revolutionary Road, by Richard Yates charts an example of such a revolt. The film V for Vendetta fascinates because of the passionate willingness of its protagonists to put everything on the line for a wish of a better, richer life. A symptom of psychological youth, rebellion is an expression of frustration with reality characterized by an irremediable lack of compromise- and that is what makes it beautiful.

NOMOGAMY

Recently, newspapers and magazines have been full to the brim with articles discussing infidelity, as Tiger Woods, Ashley Cole and John Terry fight it out to win the title of ‘World’s Most Apologetic husband’. I think the public ‘outcry’ caused by all this is hilarious; who on earth would expect Tiger Woods to stay faithful? [...] Read more »

pgtips

Recently, newspapers and magazines have been full to the brim with articles discussing infidelity, as Tiger Woods, Ashley Cole and John Terry fight it out to win the title of ‘World’s Most Apologetic husband’. I think the public ‘outcry’ caused by all this is hilarious; who on earth would expect Tiger Woods to stay faithful? The man is one of the richest and most successful sportsmen on this earth. Everyone knows that pretty much all incredibly rich and successful men and women will at some point cheat on their partners; the difference is, Woods actually married a woman who cared.

More to the point, how does this make a difference as to whether someone should captain a national football team? Shagging a model and kicking a ball around are separate acts, which, apart from the fact that doing the latter as a profession affords the lifestyle in order to get the former, don’t affect each other. India Knight summed it up perfectly in last week’s Sunday Times when she wrote; ‘I don’t understand why being good at something means you automatically have to be a moral exemplar. Why? Whose stupid idea was that?’

When asked, I always say I’ve never cheated on anyone. But in hindsight that statement is not really true. I was with my first boyfriend – who I probably should stop naming seeing as people actually read these articles now – for over 3 years. I’m cursed with ‘grass is always greener’ tendencies and thus about 6 months after we first got together I’m ashamed to admit I sort of gave one of his best friends a sneaky hand-job. We were both at a house party which had just been shut down by the police who ram-raided the front door and found me in a compromising position with a bong in the front room. Later, in no fit state for 15 year olds, this bloke and I found ourselves sat on a pavement in the middle of a miserable council estate.

My reasoning was if I didn’t kiss him on the lips it didn’t count as cheating. Like a 15 year old version of Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, I avoided the sense of intimacy which locking lips imposes, making it easier to suppress my trenchant feelings of guilt afterwards. I told my boyfriend about my infidelity a year after it happened and his reaction was surprisingly calm. He said the next day he felt a bit weird sitting next to the aforementioned-hand-job recipient on the bus, but he didn’t break up with me or make a fuss.
This taught me an important lesson in the land of cheating: if your partner is a little bit too forgiving or says the words ‘honestly, that’s fine, why did you think that you needed to tell me about it?’ it inevitably means they have done the same thing, and don’t have the grounds to get really pissed off at you. (It turned out he’d fingered a girl he’d met while I was away on holiday one summer. Lucky bitch.)

On the subject of hand-jobs, last Wednesday I walked past the two guys who dish out Chlamydia tests on Houghton Street, to find they had pinned my article from last week onto their stall. When I enquired, they said that my description of middle-class outrage at the suggestion of a Chlamydia test was spot on; I then did a test myself and they offered me some condoms and lube for my efforts. I paused when accepting the lube – I wish I hadn’t; the next 10 minutes were spent listening to their descriptions of how good it feels when a girl wanks you off using gallons of the stuff. ‘Oh and if you put a little bit on the inside of the condom it’s game over!’ I love the fact that the taxpayer is funding these two lovable chaps to dish out such sex advice; it gives a whole new meaning to the words Camden’s Sexual Health ‘outreach programme.’
Anyway, I only came close to cheating on my first boyfriend just one other time. It happened when I was on a Year 11 history field trip to St. Petersburg; I drank 6 Bacardi Breezers (cos I was like, so cool) and met a gorgeous young man from the boys’ school that happened to be sharing the hotel with us. We were sat in his room chatting away about our lives, when he told me of his dreams to study Economics at the LSE.

‘What’s the LSE?’ I remember asking him. He told me it was a highly regarded university, and I was so in awe of his supreme confidence and intelligence that, I kid you not, when it came to perusing prospectuses a year later I remembered his comments and decided to see if this ‘LSE’ thing really existed. When I first came here I saw him around on Houghton Street quite a lot – he’d grown up and become an arrogant twat, but whenever I saw him I thought ‘that man will never know the profound effect he has had on my life.’ It was always a deep moment.

I’ve also been stupid enough to be the third woman. Whilst I was getting over my first boyfriend I spent the night with a Policeman who unbeknown to me had a girlfriend. We met through mutual friends and late one night me and a girlfriend were invited back to his place; using his connections he dialled a secret number and got crates of alcohol delivered by taxi to his house, where a catastrophic game of strip poker ensued.

I’m no poker player and I ended up writhing naked on his sofa, like the late Jade Goody, desperately trying to cup my ‘kebab’. Later, when we got to the bedroom I quite rudely asked where his uniform was. ‘Err…it’s in my wardrobe?!’ he replied, before asking if he could teabag me. Put it this way; the police gear didn’t stay in the wardrobe for much longer. I think I must have been angry I’d got so drunk and naked, or that he’d assumed I would willingly let him dangle his testicles into my mouth, but I woke up the next morning severely lacking recollection, wearing a bullet vest. My friend, who slept in the room next door, said the only thing she overheard through the night was me shouting ‘Get down on the floor and put your hands up bitch!’

Teabagging – now that is an activity. What kind of man wants to stuff his scrotum into your mouth like a taxidermist? I wonder what came first, the tea bag or the act of teabagging? I imagine the Roman Empire had a lot of teabags but not a lot of cups; they did however have a lot of slaves, so they probably filled their mouths with hot water to make a nice brew.. That was until one Roman looked down at his testicles and realised that they were missing out on a fantastic opportunity. And that’s what cups were invented for, so they could take the actual teabags out of slaves’ mouths to make room for their testicles.

Moving on, as Karma goes, I soon got bitten on the ass for my previous infidelity. I’ve written quite a lot about Banjo cheating on me, but the thing I’ve learnt the most from this experience was that if you have a hunch, it’s probably right, so you should trust your instincts. And there’s no smoke without fire. (My originality is, at times, astonishing.)
I’m not really sure what my feelings are on monogamy. If it all seems such a bloody effort, and people literally have to restrain themselves constantly from copulating with other people, then what’s the point? And does it matter if you just kissed, or gave him a hand job or a blozzer? I think the thing about being monogamous is having something which only you get to share with your partner. This would lead me to argue that if you ever wanted to be truly monogamous you wouldn’t sleep with anyone else before and after you meet them. When I put this theory to my grandma last week she laughed in my face and gave me a piece of advice which was the tremendous culmination of 90 years’ life experience; ‘Alice, never marry a virgin.’ That was that sorted then.

My last point is that it has always amazed me how much this society seems to value Weddings. It’s as if two people buying H. Samuel rings for each other and wasting 20K of their life’s savings on some shitty ceremony in Kent, is an achievement. It’s an absolute load of crap. What is an achievement is making it through the first decade of your marriage intact– trying to have kids, bringing up kids, losing jobs, caring for elderly parents – I don’t know how people do it – and a lot of people don’t.
How about we actually celebrate people’s anniversaries? That’s a fucking achievement. I’ll gladly spend time commemorating the fact that someone I know has toiled and fought long and hard for a marriage and wants to let everyone know about it. And I’ll even celebrate a divorce – because lets face it, there will be so much alcohol there, you can get completely battered for free.

My housemate and I have vowed to keep the corks from the champagne bottles that are popped when we announce our respective engagements; we’re keeping them as the first mementos to be tossed onto the fire at our ‘Burn Baby Burn’ Divorce parties. Now that is cynicism.

A STAND AGAINST YEARS OF OPPRESION

LOUIS DAILLENCOURT RECLAIMS HIS PENIS Read more »

Hello,My name is Louis and I’m taking over. This sex and gender column, this jewel if the crown of the Beaver which is partB, has recently been overrun by feminist of all kinds. Some articles have been good. Some have been terrible: this column has over the last few months turned out to be a very good excuse for a bunch of horny girls to hint about their sex lives. I say: no more.

First, a bit of debate on the whole issue.There has been talk recently of the relevance of having a Women’s officer when there is no male counterpart. I mean, we live in an equal society, undiscriminating amongst people with common sense; parity is now an acceptable feature of domestic politics. Why should there be a biased parity towards women and “just a little bit less parity for men” on the grounds that we’re have a moral obligation to make up for historical discrimination? This is a small example that shows that feminism, as we see it at LSE and in many other places, is an outdated debate.

This is very much seen through recent articles referring to the use or misuse of the address to women: Miss, Mrs, or Ms, making the case that the latter should be preferred to the two former because it doesn’t discriminate women on the basis of their marital status. Is this what feminism has gone down to? Nit picking on such trivial issues? Have you ever heard a man complain that he was being addressed as Mister instead of Master, which would be the correct term for a single man? Utterly deceptive twaddle speak, says I. (Many thanks to Jack Sparrow for the quote).

What’s more, to come back on the women’s officer issue, has anyone heard of a more useless job? And I mean the term “useless”. Who discriminates against women at LSE? Being a militant feminist these days at this Uni is a bit like being a third year Econ student a couple days before exams at a Jay-Z concert, it’s just not relevant.

One can equate not being a feminist with being a racist – I have heard that type of argument before. But it doesn’t stand, because when you’re a racist you’re effectively making a stand against something when being a “feminist” means being pro-something. Not being a feminist therefore does not mean being against women but merely neutral. But, seriously, this word game isn’t relevant, more on what feminism is later.

One terribly annoying thing to see is that activists really don’t help themselves. If they think all women should not be discriminated against, they should probably begin by stopping discriminating themselves by creating women-only position and writing arguably laughable articles about how many times people have sex at LSE every year on average and how good(/or bad? I’m not so good at detecting concealed pride in other people’s words) they feel about being so far above the average. Who cares about random people’s sex lives? Good relations between both sexes are about mutual respect, not over-compensating for a dubious imbalance. Please, move on!

Moving on…I don’t mean to minimise the work of everyday feminists who defend the cause of women where women’s rights are being disregarded. Their work is crucial. But some just pick the wrong fight at the wrong place and fight the wrong way. This happens especially in this university where there is a somewhat healthy but mostly irritating tradition to burst out opinions like anyone actually cares and politicise everything. (You may say I’m doing that just now, but I’m merely reacting).

You know what, I’ll bundle everyone together: I think the feminists should team-up with a bunch of arrogant societies, our over-politicised Students’ Union, the Socialist Worker megaphone-holding people and a few others cheerful to create the United Front for Mildly Irritating Things at LSE, the UNIFORMITi, so they can all celebrate together boring most of us to the very core. That would be fun. I like my idea. (For death threats, please e-mail lou967@msn.com).

Previous articles have been pretty entertaining. One was about vaginas and the mis-use of the term “pussy”, and the only serious point the author managed to get across is that she has extensive knowledge of the vocabulary available in English describing her ***what you should I use? I’ll go for sex…*** sex. Oh, and I’ll stop calling a chicken “pussy” when they’ll stop calling me a “dick” because I’m stupid.

Exactly. I won’t stop. You know what feminism has done to me? They make me feel so bad about being a man that I recently surprised myself browsing for penis reduction medication on the internet.

They made me feel so guilty I seriously considered joining the Women in Business society, when I’m neither a former, not interested in the latter.

It’s a bit weird for anyone to claim to be a feminist when at the same time as they hint about their sex-lives in the paper and use 143 different words for “pussy”; denounce boys “objectifying women” as they did by blocking the Miss LSE contests on the grounds of… (what was it again?). It just doesn’t really work, because they contribute to the movement and way of thinking they seek to overhaul. Bad rhetoric. Feminism’s call for equality should be social and political, this is not about overcompensating for the past, and it’s about making the future better for them.

Damn, I treat my darling well, I’m a feminist too, you know. Everyone with a bit of common sense, who believes that all humans are born equal is a feminist. And my girlfriend calls me “sweetie”; maybe I should call the man’s officer and complain about being disgraced/objectified/put down/insert as appropriate by the nickname? Wait a minute…. And I like being called that, everyman had to accept the part of feminism he has in him, and girls the opposite, and then everyone will be happy and we can all go have a pint at the tuns.

Next time I read another awkward article on this column written by someone who wished she had a penis, I’ll nod politely and smile to myself.

Polanski, Pervert?

Eminence is no excuse for child rape Read more »

On 26th September this year, Roman Polanski was on his way to an international film festival in Zurich when he was arrested by the Swiss authorities. He has remained in prison since that day, with Swiss courts denying to fulfil his requests for immediate release or bail. Two weeks ago, an extradition request was filed by the US Government, who wish to see the 76 year old film director stand trial for charges relating to a sexual encounter with a 13 year-old girl in 1977. Polanski’s arrest provoked outrage from 138 members of the film industry, who were due to honour him in a tribute and award-giving ceremony at the festival. A petition pleading for his immediate release promptly appeared, promising Polanski their “support and friendship” and describing the process leading to his indictment as a mere “case of morals”. Signatories included Pedro Almodovar, Terry Gilliam, Martin Scorsese, Tilda Swinton, and (wait for it)…Woody Allen. It may be unnecessary to point out that the latter is now married to the daughter he adopted with Mia Farrow, but I will do so anyway.

For those who are unfamiliar with Polanski’s alleged offences, I will provide a brief outline. The 13 year-old victim (who later revealed herself as Samantha Geiner) was at his house because she wanted to become an actress, and he offered to help her. What he did not offer was the opportunity for her to be plied with champagne and Quaaludes (drugs known to induce drowsiness) and raped and sodomised against her desperate objections. Unfortunately, that was the treatment she alleged to having received. When describing Polanski’s initial fondling to the grand jury, Geiner recalled: “I was ready to cry. I was kind of – I was going, ‘No. Come on. Stop it.’ But I was afraid”. The grand jury were sufficiently compelled by the evidence to charge the French-born director with ‘rape by use of drugs’, ‘lewd and lascivious acts upon a child under 14’, ‘sodomy’ and ‘perversion’. The attorneys in the case, however, agreed on a plea bargain to save Miss. Geiner from the attention and notoriety attached to a ‘Hollywood trial’. Polanski pleaded guilty to the lesser charge of ‘unlawful intercourse with a minor’, then fled the US before he could be sentenced.

Few could fail to be moved by Geiner’s testimony. Unfortunately, the bare facts of the case appear to have been overlooked by many preferring to minimise Polanski’s guilt and emphasise his abilities as a director. Deference to the undeniable talent that won him an Academy Award for Best Director for The Pianist and further nominations for Tess, Chinatown and Rosemary’s Baby has led to some shocking revelations about how far Hollywood will go to protect their own. Producer Harvey Weinstein described Polanski’s behaviour as a “so-called crime”; his company released a statement to CNN that claimed: “We are calling every filmmaker we can to help fix this terrible situation”. Whoopi Goldberg provoked outrage from several commentators when she contested Polanski’s charge by stating that “it wasn’t rape-rape”. Perhaps Goldberg wasn’t familiar with the details of Polanski’s alleged crimes. Or perhaps she overlooked the issue of consent entirely, preferring to view the young Samantha Geiner as a sexually mature temptress. One can’t help but wonder whether Goldberg, and indeed all of those who have voraciously defended Polanski, would have taken the same attitude towards the victim of, say, a seedy and degenerate school caretaker, or a low-life lorry driver. The Times’ Caitlin Moran sums up attitudes to the case, concisely, as: ‘Something unpleasant definitely happened, but I really like Chinatown, so, erm, free Roman!’. Quite.

Even without blatantly supporting Polanski, several media accounts of his recent arrest have an unpleasant whiff of sympathy about them. The New York Daily News devoted an entire story to, well, Polanski feeling a bit sad in prison. His lawyer is quoted as lamenting that the ageing director, fearing extradition and subsequent trial, “seemed very dejected when I visited him”. Now there’s a shocker. Much attention has also been paid to Samantha Geiner’s request that the case be dropped so she can be “left alone to get on with her life”. Polanski paid an out-of-court civil settlement to his victim that seems to have sufficiently satisfied (or silenced) her. This does not, however, mean that justice has been done. Justice should send a message that large cash payments do not excuse rich, 43 year-old directors from raping naïve, defenceless 13 year-olds. It should be made clear that the support of 138 members of the film industry does not place one outside the remit of the criminal justice system. For that reason, regardless of talent and eminence, Polanski should receive the trial and sentencing that he deserves.

FETISHISM AND FICTION

LEON MATTHIAS ON RACE AND GENDER IN EROTIC LITERATURE Read more »

Erotic Literature aims to present the reader with fiction that shows new and unimagined situations beyond what may be possible for them to directly experience; as well as to stimulate – in every sense of the world. Like Caliban’s looking glass we see ourselves distorted and represented; the ability to do this is epistemic power. In writing about women and ethnic minorities, and women from ethnic minorities we must be aware of this power and the way the culturally privileged – writers – create and enforce stereotypes of those whose sexuality is presented for consumption.

The frisson of forbidden and exotic fruits is a well-established trope: tragic mulatto women, see Carmen; terrific and terrible African Queens, see H. Rider Haggard’s She; submissive and sexually available East Asian women, see any of Gwen Stefani’s music videos or Puccini’s Madam Butterfly; and the Eastern voluptuary, Mozart’s Abduction from the Seraglio or The Dance of the Seven Veils. Similarly much erotic literature presents stereotypes of women of colour as exotic hot-house flowers. But so what? Aren’t these positive portrayals? Can’t it work to one’s advantage to be seen as a hot, liberated and full-blooded Latina – well this stereotype comes from the idea that Latinas are less civilized and more animalistic than Europeans. There is no such thing as a positive stereotype and using them in writing shows lazy characterization, a failure to sketch believable and singular characters the reader can identify with, and indeed lust after.

I am a man who writes erotic literature involving men and men; and men and women; and women and women: in the Youth Erotic Press we encourage a diversity of interest and content. But ultimately I am not a woman and have the privileged position of being able to write as a man, my representations of women can be damaging and constitute epistemic violence if I am not continuously aware of this power differential. The postcolonialist thinker Gayatri Spivak asked if the subaltern woman can speak, that is women of colour can be doubly-oppressed: from sexism and racism.

Knowledge is power and to avoid epistemic violence whilst creating erotic fiction that embraces diverse sexuality one should be mindful of race’s intersection with gender and the way our characters, who can be women of colour are first sexual subjects and then gendered and racial.

SEXY TIME?

NINA LAZIC JUST CAN’T GET ENOUGH OF THE GOOD STUFF Read more »

During your three years at this institution of higher learning, you will get laid five times – if you’re lucky. My highly reputable source (Facebook) claims that the average LSE student ‘gets it on’ 1.8 times a year. So, bear those stats in mind the next time you reject that bespectacled, weedy and slightly dirty looking boy from your econ class – you might be saying no to a rare chance to bonk.
If these stats are true, which I have no doubt that they are, then unfortunately for me, I’ve already exhausted my LSE sex life. At this stage I might as well go and join a convent, or even better, reform my ways and except a bible from the evangelists who tackle me on Houghton Street.

So, why exactly is it that we are so prudish when it comes to sex, unlike our UCL and King’s College brethren, who do the nasty at least 80 times a school year (statistic completely made up)? Do our feelings of inadequacy at being 59th in the world magically transform and transfer into general self-loathing?

Perhaps we’re all just too picky. Being future investment wankers, we all have the expectation that at some stage of our lives we’ll be ridiculously wealthy. Thus, we shall afford to have ridiculously good looking ‘friends’ – gold diggers for the boys, and boy-toys for the girls – and so refuse to except anything less, ugly as we ourselves might be. Another hypothesis might be that we are already observing a ‘no fraternization with the enemy’ rule, in that the only fumbles in the dark that investment wankers do with each other is when they’re stabbing each other in the back. Comforting as this theory might be, combining the promise of both future riches and future red-hot chances to get busy, I just don’t buy it.

We’re all searching for an ideal that just doesn’t exist, at least, not at LSE and not really in real-life either. Each and every girl that I know has some kind of illusion built into her system, myself included. We’re all looking for some preconceived notion of love, when in reality, we have no concept of what love is, just the pretty, photo brushed version that we’ve seen on “The O.C.”. The question now is, is it better to give up that concept, that illusion, and instead focus on what is right in front of us; a short, skinny boy with computer-tan? Or, putting it as dramatically as Mischa Barton/Marissa would be inclined to do, would that be some sort of betrayal to our sense of whatever it means to be us.

My ideal? It wasn’t all that high. All I wanted was a boy who treated me well, didn’t jerk me around and, was interested in me – that is to say, willing to forego dating other girls whilst with me. Of those three requirements, I have none. I’ve beaten the LSE average of 1.8, but at what price? I don’t wish to sound dramatic – it’s not as if I’m doing the dirty with a crack head who whores me out for drug money – but all the same, if I’d asked my 17 year old self whether she approved of my current-boy, she would have said no. So, what exactly is the answer? I’m still trying to figure that one out…

MY GIRL LOLLIPOP

RALPH LAUREN WEARS DOWN MODELS AND GEORGINA BUTLER Read more »

For all the advances women have made in the world – breaking free of the confines of domesticity and heading to the boardroom rather than the kitchen – it seems women will always be imprisoned by their own bodies. The unrealistic images that frequent our ever-more media-saturated society are showing increasingly unachievable ideals of beauty and the enormous amount of importance placed on a woman’s clothing, size, weight and shape appears unlikely to subside in the foreseeable future.
The haute-couture of the fashion world may seem a million miles away from the average woman in the street. However, the narrow confines of attractiveness paraded up and down the catwalks rapidly filters into magazines aimed at younger and younger women and into mainstream media and advertising. This is producing an epidemic of dissatisfaction – no, depression and anxiety – amongst women concerning how they feel about their appearance (particularly their size and shape). The American Psychological Association found that after three minutes spent looking at a fashion magazine, 70% of women felt ‘depressed, guilty and ashamed’. Eating Disorders charity Beat states that 1-2 percent of young women are thought to be anorexic at any one time.

The “Size Zero” debate has been à la mode for some time now, making headlines across tabloids and broadsheet alike and featuring heavily in women’s magazines. (Ironically, articles about the phenomenon are generally juxtaposed with pieces about celebrities “shocking” weight gain and advice on how to “banish” unwanted body fat.) Quite how the trend for promoting unhealthy behaviours and suggesting all women should subscribe to just one size can be classified as a ‘debate’ is beyond me, but the furore over the topic has yet to make any headway in promoting body acceptance.

Furthermore, it seems fashion lines and advertisers are still too slow to accept their role in the promotion of body dissatisfaction. The latest scandal involves Ralph Lauren and their part in commissioning a picture of a model for a campaign that was photoshopped to create a severely emaciated and distorted body shape. Ralph Lauren has since apologized for the image and taken responsibility for the poor retouching but the very fact that the picture was changed at all shows how ridiculous the pursuit of an unachievable ideal has become. The model in question is reportedly a size eight – why could she not have been shown in a picture that conveys her true size and shape? Most women would be pleased to be a size eight (not long ago this was the idealised size). If advertisers offered women the chance to feel an affinity with the models, perhaps the constant dissatisfaction with women’s bodies would abate.

The image will leave even sufferers of eating disorders cold – the emaciated frame and lollipop-head appearance of the model may offer so-called “thinspiration” for those caught up in the nightmare of anorexia. However, perhaps more importantly, such images glamorise the occurrence of eating disorders and distort the ideas of body image held by women across society. To be bombarded every day with images depicting the ideal woman as impossibly slender (impossible even for many of the models themselves to achieve – hence the need for retouching) is only detrimental to women. Moreover, why should women be forced to feel that they will never be good enough – to feel a constant discontent resulting purely from images devised to encourage us as consumers to buy into a certain lifestyle?

The accepted window of supposed attractiveness for women is so restrictive that even the backlash against the use of emaciated models is provoking frustration amongst women. Men may judge women’s bodies within the fashion world – designers have a vision and the model must capture that vision when the clothes are draped over their bones – I mean bodies(!) – but women too have strong criticisms for other members of the sisterhood. As women’s bodies are seen more and more as something to have an opinion on, there is an attitude advocating that one should not be afraid to voice said opinion. The media and advertising are fuelling such an occurrence with blogging and online media facilitating the behaviour across wider society. The current obsession with editorial pieces featuring “real” women in celebrity outfits (for “real” read a particular clothing size, notably size 14 or 16) and the readiness of people to throw labels around citing anorexia is alienating women on the smaller end of the bell curve for women’s body size. As a young woman with “Size Zero” measurements – am I not a “real” woman? Body image dissatisfaction affects all women in society – having the size zero measurements does not make a woman immune to feeling that she does not measure up in some way to the propagated ideal.

Eliminating all airbrushed pictures; media coverage of the “Size Zero” debate and countless articles on losing weight and being a “real” woman in magazines will only go so far in rescuing women’s self esteem and body image. If women themselves could stand up against the trend – embrace themselves and the women around them by accepting them as they are – perhaps the obsessive hold that society has over women’s bodies will waste away. That emaciated image commissioned for Ralph Lauren depicts a model wasting away; society as a whole must allow women to take the lead and fight for body acceptance as they fought for equal rights in the work place – before women’s self-esteem vanishes along with the inches from the models’ frame.

STARS, STRIPES AND PUSSY

RUBY BUCKLEY STAYS TRUE TO HER VAGINA Read more »

I don’t have a pussy. I’ve reclaimed my cunt, maybe I’ll accept minge and I definitely have a vagina (unlike Lady GaGa, apparently). The p-word has very little anatomical relevance to me, detached from myself as a woman. It resides in the world of porn, American colleges and the chat of pubescent boys.
This debate certainly has a cultural element to it. Pussy is associated with American culture, and it has reached our shores just as Levi Jeans and McDonalds has. They have Disney-fied vaginas and sold them to us as part of the American dream. Maybe American women feel differently about it all. Perhaps it is a more tangible term for them. But for me, like corndogs, homecomings and Sweet 16s it seems a world away.

So I have grown up thinking a pussy is someone who ‘chickens out’ from asking that cheerleader to the dance, who doesn’t jump off a diving board or down that double vodka. And anyway, isn’t it such a terrible analogy to use as an insult? What is weak and cowardly about female genitalia? Whoever used the insult got pushed out by a mighty powerful one which endured hours of pain and agony.

The term cannot escape the world of sweaty encounters with online pornography and puerile humour. I love a good innuendo as much as the next, but I tired of “stroking your pussy” wink-wink, nudge-nudge pretty early on. The boys would snigger and I would wonder when they could get over the fact that yes, we do have vaginas. Maybe if you grew up you could really touch my pussy.

But even then I wouldn’t have high expectations of someone who refers to my lady flower like that. Those who look to “score some pussy” are often too brain-washed by porn to enjoy mature sexual encounters. The pussy of the porn world is sterile, plastic and a vessel to be filled by man’s enjoyment. There is no greater turn off than hearing the newly pubescent 14 year-old announce cunninglingus by telling me, voice breaking, that he is going to “lick my pussy”.

No wonder the female orgasm is so elusive. The myth and reality are not compatible.

The vagina is so different in terms of needs and response when compared with the tight, shaven pussy of porn.

It’s not that I want my pussy back. It’s not lurking in dark alleyways waiting for me to pour it a bowl of milk and call it home. It’s not purring up against my leg and it certainly isn’t purring at anyone else.

DON’T HATE ME BECAUSE I’M BEAUTIFUL

REAGAN PERSAUD FIGHTS BRAIN WITH EYELINER Read more »

We all study at a university where people pride themselves (quite self-righteously) on being intelligent, logical and capable of independent thinking. We are part of society’s new generation of philosophers who go about our lives with critical reasoning and prudential analysis. And yet, in such a diverse and dangerously knowledgeable niche as the LSE, the pretty suffer; the beautiful are persecuted and undervalued.

The likes of Baywatch’s pride (Pamela Anderson), and the Hilton sisters have caused the world to think differently of the ‘pretty ones’. Those who make that bit more effort to always look perfect, the Edie Britts of our generation, are seen as idiots. Striking faces with nothing behind the surface. Furiously objectified and harshly judged, these people unfortunately start to think little of themselves. After all, if everyone thinks you’re nothing but a pretty face, aren’t you?

In interviews they are immediately thought of differently from those candidates with glasses and tied back hair. If you show up in nice but formal shoes, wearing a slim fit suit which causes the opposite (or same) sex to do exorcist head turns, you are seen as ‘not serious’, disinterested, and unsuitable for any sort of role. If you do the same at private functions which aren’t seen as ‘pulling spots’, you are adversely thought of and very few people give you a fair chance to show your potential.

The result is simple: 90 per cent of these people become the stereotype idiot. The blonde ‘bimbo’ who only has the body to offer. The girlfriend but not the wife. The bad boy but not the guy you take home to meet the parents.

Occasionally, however, a few of us don’t listen to everyone else. We step up and be ourselves…our true selves. We study hard whilst filing our nails and drying our hair, we get up 2 hours early to read and cross-train at the same time, and we party hard after the 5 hours of rewriting revision cards. Our dream is simple, to escape the cruel world that views us as little more than the sexual satisfyer. Instead of placing us next to a man’s right hand, or a woman’s middle finger, we will one day be placed next to Einstein, Plato, or even Marx. And then we succeed… our painful efforts place us at the LSE.

And what is there in this new society that, in theory, values individuals based on their wit, sarcasm, and general knowledge? We get bigots who still see us as idiots. Bigots who undermine our capabilities and always think that we are the stupid ones whom they are certain to overcome and surpass…but not before sleeping with.

Of course what I’ve said so far has been said before; in Legally Blonde. What Reese Witherspoon fails to show us is the truth behind the lives of the pretty. Instead of finding a close group of friends who inevitably support us and keep our chins up, the pretty ones at the LSE are forever looked upon with disgust and thought of (perhaps envied) with severe hatred. Even the staff avoid speaking to us and treat us with a ‘I couldn’t care less’ attitude when approached for help. Finding support in our studies becomes that much more difficult where every tiny step that should just be part of university life becomes another huge hurdle for self-improvement.

But if Cinderella and Snow White have taught us anything, it’s that every story has a happy ending. The diversely intelligent LSE niche are in for a shock. Ironically, this intelligent lot has forgotten that the pretty have in fact earned the right to study here too. We have shown to the higher levels that we match the others’ abilities, and perhaps surpass them in many ways. As such, we are not to be undermined and underestimated, but to be feared. Given all of the difficulties we face, we have still managed to achieve the same levels as every other person here and done so in style.

The world is filled with pretty leaders. Tony Blair was loved, Gordon Brown is hated. On average, beautiful people are paid 10 per cent more than other people. In EVERY customer related job (i.e. 95 per cent of jobs) employers will prefer someone beautiful to represent the brand. As such, the pretty have the potential to go much further than LSE’s ‘average’ looking. Though we may now be seen as little more than sex toys, there will come a day in the lives of the LSE pretty where our intelligence will be weighed against that of the ‘others’ and the ‘pretty’ gene will be the deciding factor that tips the scale. Then it will be the others who seek our help, our support, and our condolences.

So dear LSE, don’t hate the beautiful for being that much better in looks whilst challenging your brains, but embrace them and sweeten them now, because the greatest skill of a pretty person is to never forget.

THE FAHRENHEIT TWINS

SOPHIE MARMENT TAKES AN ICY VIEW OF AN ARCTIC PLAY Read more »

Told By an Idiot’s ingenious two-person production is based on author Michael Faber’s captivating tales of the Fahrenheit Twins. The story follows the antics of twins Tainto’lilith and Marko’cain, two children born in the deepest Arctic, where they live with their anthropologist parents Una and Boris Fahrenheit, who are stationed there to observe the rituals of the indigenous people, the ‘Uw-Innoui’. The negligent parents allow the twins ultimate freedom in their icy paradise, but when their mother takes to bed one day the children are thrust into a search for personal discovery and understanding of life’s truths.

Naomi Wilkinson’s set design is the stand-out of the piece, a flexible and central necessity, comprising a moving circular platform and slide-come-living-quarters, all covered in soft, white, snowy fur. The entire construction is filled with secret hidey-holes, delightful pockets of fur and cupboards which open to reveal night skies, cuckoo clocks and toothbrushes with bells attached, amongst others.
Hayley Carmichael (Tainto’lilith) and Paul Hunter (Marko’cain) are entertaining in their transformations, playing not only the twins but also their parents, and skipping between acting capering huskies and a pair of sunglass-toting, champagne slurping Artic foxes. Whilst some transformations are slicker than others, the pair do an outstanding job at miraculously flicking between characters in the blink of an eye.

The costumes contribute greatly to the split-second character changes, with each actor being dressed in a baby-gro of white fur with carefully concealed Velcro bibs which, when quickly ripped open revealed lederhosen and, at one point, a childish painting of the naked human form. Hats, masks and wigs also played their part, swiftly plucked from the set’s copious hiding places. The one downside to their fast changing ensemble was the addition of velcroed stuffed rats, lending a sense of the ridiculous rather than the comical.

The performances are fun with flashes of comic brilliance and emotional anguish but disappointingly fall short of delivering genuine and convincing theatre. Certainly the production is full of imagination and charm, but as Carmichael and Hunter slide repeatedly down a snow slide, and gleefully skip into another quick costume change, they seem too self-satisfied to be genuinely endearing. This is the theatrical equivalent of the boy riding a bike with no hands, shouting ‘look at me, Mum!’: after a while you find yourself willing them to fall.

The choice of source material is excellent, as Faber’s story offers a kaleidoscope of wonderful ideas to be explored. The Twins’ innocence is striking in their determination to never age, but leads to the creation of bizarre rituals which, in their attempts to remain young, ultimately strip them of their innocence. Set against the Arctic void, harsh nature and personal freedom come into contact in a world with few constraints. The threat of the unknown indigenous people is mirrored by the threat of the unforgiving environment, and while this gradually pulls the twins’ parents apart, it facilitates exploration and self-discovery for the twins. The frozen wasteland removes social boundaries, but creates physical ones, and leads us into an examination of what our limits truly are, and why we are so driven to discover what lies beyond.

Unfortunately the strength of the source material is fumbled in a show with a frustrating lack of clarity. What could have been a play truly connecting with the coming-of-age and loss-of-innocence threads which were so clearly there to be woven together, simply petered out into out-of-place dream sequences and an unconvincing ending, lacking in emotional punch. The production is perhaps worth seeing for its occasional flashes of brilliance, but they are only occasional, and ultimately this is a play that adds up to rather less than the sum of its parts.

THE FARENHEIT TWINS PLAYS AT THE BARBICAN UNTIL 5TH DECEMBER 2009

PICK OF THE WEEK

Endgame
By the Irish writer Samuel Beckett.
Directed by Stephen McBurney and starring Mark Rylance, this classic Beckett play gets a new rework.
Duchess Theatre until 5 Dec.
www.duchesstheatre.co.uk

The Pitmen Painters
The National’s latest 5-star offering. This is the tale of a group of pit miners who begin a history of art class in 1934. They soon abadon critique for practical skills as they begin to paint. This comes to London following a sell-out run at Live Theatre Newcastle
National Theatre, 2 Dec -18 Jan 2010.
Box Office 020 7229 0706

Sweet Charity
A feel-good musical, just in time for the festive season. Starring Tamsin Outhwaite, returning to her musical roots, this should be a sweet treat.
Mernier Chocolate Factory, 2 Dec – 7
Mar 2010
Box Office 020 7229 0706

LSE THEATRE

No Sex Please, We’re British
This year’s first contribution from the LSESU Drama Society promises a barrell of laughs and a romp through the stiff upper lip of seventies British etiquette.
Old Theatre, 4 Dec & 7 Dec at 7.30pm
Ticket’s available on Houghton Street

THE FASTEST CLOCK IN THE UNIVERSE

JOE MEEGAN TAKES HIS TIME Read more »

In a play which takes an unsettling gawp at our obsession with youth, an occasionally clumsy production at the Hampstead Theatre still doesn’t take the shine off Philip Ridley’s visceral writing.
Cougar Glass (Alec Newman), a man so preoccupied with his age that he stubbornly celebrates his 19th birthday every year, is a disturbing embodiment of our dark obsession with youth, eroticism, and the jealous violence it can provoke as he singles out and seduces his sole party guest, schoolboy Foxtrot Darling (Neet Mohan). Sex and death are barely separable in Cougar’s self-indulgent existence, and as the story unfolds the inevitable conclusion of his birthday party seems to be seduction, rape, and murder.
Cougar is waited on hand and foot by the ageing Captain Tock (Finbar Lynch), who is transfixed by Cougar’s magnetic charm. Everything is going to plan until an uninvited guest arrives at the party: Foxtrot’s brash, dominating, pregnant girlfriend, Sherbet Gravel (Jaime Winstone) – and it appears she knows Cougar’s secret.
There are some beautifully delivered monologues with fantastically evocative imagery – a decaying bird, a lustful pursuit, a longing fairytale – interspersed with all-too-human interjections, as the undercurrent of desire between the various characters threatens to bubble over.
Despite the dark subject matter, Ridley’s writing ensures plenty of laughs, and in this respect the production delivers. Lynch effortlessly shines as the conflicted, downtrodden Captain Tock, and his sense of comic timing is first class. Meanwhile, Winstone’s Sherbet – who makes her first appearance at the half-way point – grabs the audience’s attention in a blur of energy, infuriating traits and scything put-downs, maintaining a car-crash captivation until the curtain falls. The set, a single East London room designed by Mark Thompson, is suitably gloomy; a crumbling throwback that tumbles past the confines of the stage, misshapen, sickly, and packed to the rafters with stuffed birds.
The text of The Fastest Clock is something of an actor’s dream; razor sharp and brimming with insight, which is why it is such a shame that Mohan comes up short when emotional stretching is required of his recently bereaved Foxtrot. Eileen Page, who plays Cougar’s ancient neighbour Cheetah Bee, is a disappointment, teetering between caricature and sober judge, without really succeeding in either direction. Indeed, one suspects direction is the key issue, as the man in charge behind the scenes – young director Edward Dick – shows only flashes of control over his cast. The devil may be in the detail, but it seems Dick loses sight of the bigger picture at times.
The play’s climax, an act of appalling violence, seems overly staged in this production, and loses something of its gravity as a result, suggesting Dick balked at the play’s most important challenge – as many would.
In recent conversation Philip Ridley pointed out that commentators have often seen this play as being about death, decay, and a brutal act of violence. Certainly, The Fastest Clock includes all of this, but that is not what the play is about. The provocative finale is often allowed to overshadow the rest of The Fastest Clock, but this production’s great strength is that it never loses sight of Ridley’s original vision. The horror of the piece, and the reason why the likeable Captain Tock protects the monstrous Cougar to the very end, is born from love. It is for this reason that, despite the shortcomings of this production, the closing line of the play still sends a shiver down the spine. ‘Enjoyable’ is not a word easily attached to Philip Ridley’s work, but this production comes pretty close.

The Fastest Clock in the Universe played at the Hampstead Theatre from 17th September – 17th October.

INHERIT THE WIND

SOPHIE MARMENT IS BLOWN AWAY Read more »

First performed in 1955, Inherit the Wind has enjoyed a series of revivals in the last two decades, the most recent of these being Trevor Nunn’s production at the Old Vic, timed to coincide with the 150th anniversary of the publication of Charles Darwin’s ‘The Origin of Species.’
The play is based upon the 1925 Scopes “Monkey” Trial – a trial much publicised at the time – which saw the defendant John T. Scopes’ conviction for teaching Charles Darwin’s evolutionary theories in his high school science class. The teaching of evolution was then illegal in the state of Tennessee, the so-called heart of the ‘Bible-belt’. Although the writers Jerome Lawrence and Robert Edwin Lee state that their account is not one of a historical nature, the key characters in the play correspond quite clearly with those figures who took part in Scopes trial. Scopes himself corresponds to the character of Bertram Cates whilst the prosecutor, William Jennings Bryan is brought to life on stage as Matthew Harrison Brady, a proud and perspiring man played magnificently by David Troughton in Nunn’s production. Kevin Spacey takes to the boards of his own theatre as the defence attorney Henry Drummond, the stage counterpart of Clarence Darrow. Finally the wily, self-satisfied reporter who is, to some extent, the audience’s guide and narrator, E. K. Hornbeck is based upon the renowned journalist ‘sage of Baltimore’, H. L. Mencken.

Whilst the play appears to be a battle between science and religion, Darwin and the Bible, it is clear that this is not the key issue in contention. The play is, as one of its authors, Jerome Lawrence, stated in 1996, about the right to think. Inherit the Wind was written during the McCarthy period and is a clear criticism of the methods used by Senator John McCarthy and the House Committee on Un-American Activities (HCUA) in their anti-Communist investigations. This is most strikingly brought out in the character of Bertram Cates lover (and the vicar’s daughter), played by Sonya Cassidy. Cassidy brings her character’s inner turmoil to the stage with immense realism, though her character’s unwillingness to stand up to her father is at times frustrating, it is her ability to reason despite her strict religious upbringing which demonstrates the plays critical message.

Nunn’s production is refreshingly without pretension in an age when theatrical substance is increasingly sacrificed for style. The set is large and relatively immobile, reflecting the fanatical mindset of the town’s inhabitants, while the costumes are muted. Against this visually neutral backdrop the 30 strong cast shines. Spacey’s shuffling Drummond is a commanding stage presence, wrestling to restrain his emotions as his personal and professional fields blur, while the quick-witted Hornbeck, played by Mark Dexter, is a fantastic polar opposite to the town folk’s ignorance – at once fascinating and frustrating with equal measures of intelligence and arrogance.
David Troughton is a mastercard, his blustering self-promoting politician making the perfect counterfoil to Spacey’s down-to-earth Henry Drummond. Between the two they manage to draw out the real humour in a play that could otherwise have the potential to be a stale courtroom drama.

Nunn’s hand can be detected in the musical interludes which slip seemlessly into the dialogue and create the atmosphere of many of the scenes. Renditions of ‘Amazing Grace’ and other well crooned biblical hymns and at the same time moving and sinister, displaying the rigid faith of this small American town.

The audience are also treated to the ravings of the town’s charismatic preacher, accompanied by his mournful performing monkey who lives up to expectations by pinching a young girl’s coin from her sweaty little palm. However though the monkey was delightful it did not steal the show from a cast full of strong performances.
Inherit the Wind is without a doubt the one to watch. The humour is excellent, the performances are brilliant and the whole production is just jolly good fun. This is unpretentious theatre with a strong message – Darwin would be proud.

Inherit the Wind plays at the Old Vic until 20th December.

PICK OF THE WEEK

Othello
Starring Lenny Henry in the title role. So wrong and yet somehow, so, so right.
Trafalgar Studios until 12 December
Box Office 0870 0606632

The Fastest Clock in the Universe
The revival of a Philip Ridley classic. Stark and shocking this is theatre about our home city of London. Well worth a watch.
Hampstead Theatre until 17 October
Box Office 020 7722 9301

Mother Courage and Her Children
A new transalation of a Brecht Classic. Four star reviews ensure this will be another quality production from the National.
National Theatre until 8 December.
Box Office 020 7452 3000.

BREAKFAST AT TIFFANY’S

SOPHIE MARMENT IS CHARMED BY A WHITE PERSIAN CAT Read more »

Breakfast at Tiffany’s: perhaps Audrey Hepburn’s best-remembered cinematic performance and ever immortalised in the 1993 song of the same title by the Deep Blue Somethings. Now to be seen on stage at the Royal Theatre Haymarket starring Anna Friel and Joseph Cross. This new production of ‘Breakfast at Tiffany’s’ is refreshing in that the stage adaptation by Samuel Adamson ignores the calls of the Deep Blue Somethings to ‘remember the film’ and instead remembers Truman Capote’s original short story.

And so we see the vivacious and elusive, good-time girl, Holly Golightly tripping her way through 1943 New York pursued by her neighbour, and good friend William ‘Fred’ Parsons. ‘Fred’ (Joseph Cross), is out of luck as not only do all the men in Holly’s life fall in love with her, but Holly is only interested in riches and older men, “I can’t get excited by a man until he’s forty–two. I simply trained myself to like older men and it was the smartest thing I ever did,” she quips.

The production is sponsored by Chambord and it seems that they’ve done a pretty good job – one cannot but notice their fabulously flashy posters on the underground. The company have clearly splashed out on the publicity front, making recent headlines with their £22,000 breakfast, specially created for the show’s opening night, or should that be morning? The breakfast features a croissant coated in edible gold and diamonds as well as a Chambord and Champagne cocktail poured from a Chambord bottle encrusted with gold, diamonds and pearls worth a wopping $2.4 million by itself.

The adherence to Capote’s original story is evident from the moment Miss Holiday Golightly (Anna Friel) steps out onto the stage. With her short, curly, blond bob, Friel immediately cuts the strings with Audrey Hepburn’s character in the film and allows the audience to view a different and more self-assured Holly. Friel brings a modern and more gutsy side to the character, punctuated with moments of real fragility – not dissimilar to her stunning performance in the BBC series ‘The Street’ over the summer. Her transformation in Act 2 from blond bob to short pixie cut lent itself to her portrayal of a frightened and, at times, child-like woman who struggles to see herself feeling at home in any place. This inability to stay put is best shown in her determination not to name her cat until she has found a place to settle down – a place which makes her feel like Tiffany’s jewellery store.

Friel’s performance overshadows the rest of the cast but there are some other highlights including Suzanne Bertish’s, Madame Spanella, with her early-morning operatic performances and her invitations to Fred to come in and sample her ‘fillet mignon’! David Phelan also put in a moving performance as Sid Arbuck, beautifully illustrating the grief of a crushed man. However the undoubted star of the show was the nameless moggy, a fluffy white Persian cat, who upstaged Friel in their parting scene as he padded off into the wings, taking one forlorn look backwards before exiting.

The performance was slick and polished, the only real chink in this being the less-than-seamless integration of the musical numbers into the drama. Whilst Friel had learnt the guitar specifically for the part and crooned her way sweetly through a number of short ditties they failed to add anything to the piece and temporarily interrupted the audience’s sense of suspended reality. Nevertheless the mood lighting and frequent costume changes made it easy to gloss over. Perhaps, too, the appearance of both Friel and Cross naked on stage did much to up the audience’s enjoyment as well as overshadowing any critical thoughts a few days later!

Those loyal to the film will no doubt be disappointed by the exclusion of ‘Moon River’ and may question the ending but without a doubt, director Sean Matthias has triumphed in producing a play that is both gutsy and poignant where the film was glossily Hollywood and saccharine sweet.

SERVING UP SUCCESS

I am a self-confessed television snob. My favourite shows are Mad Men, The Wire and Arrested Development. However, I do have one guilty secret: cookery shows. Anything with cooking, and you can bet I’ve seen it. The God of all TV cookery shows is of course Come Dine With Me. The premise of the show [...] Read more »

I am a self-confessed television snob. My favourite shows are Mad Men, The Wire and Arrested Development. However, I do have one guilty secret: cookery shows. Anything with cooking, and you can bet I’ve seen it. The God of all TV cookery shows is of course Come Dine With Me.

The premise of the show is simple – five people cook dinner for each other over the course of a week. The guests mark the host after each meal and then, the following day, move on to the next house. The contestant with the highest score at the end of the week wins £1,000. My friends and I have actually seen all the episodes. My friend Lois even recognized someone in an episode from about three years ago on a bus, and could tell me all about the episode she was in. Though the idea is simple, it is one of the funniest shows on television at the moment. It’s amazing that there have been so many good moments on it that have come out of nowhere, such as a snake crapping on the table, drag queens and an ever present belly dancer.

Celebrity Come Dine with Me is also over-the-top brilliant and is like a special treat. This version also provides us with some surreal yet amazing moments involving celebrities. Peter Stringfellow’s sink collapsing or Jan Leeming flirting with David Spinx are some of my favourites to date. It is also the anomaly of all celebrity reality TV shows, the longer it goes on, the better the guests are getting, which is something to be treasured.

The trouble is that my obsession doesn’t end there; it just continues to the other granddaddy of TV cookery shows: MasterChef. Members of the public compete with each other through various rounds to be crowned the one and only MasterChef. There’s nothing better when eating your breakfast than to watch some random people panicking about the dish they’ve made and then looking like they’re about to cry when Greg tells them it has too much salt! It has all the best elements of a competition-based show. John and Greg are brilliant hosts; their presenting skills extend to randomly shouting things like ‘cooking doesn’t get much better than this’ and then eating amazingly large spoonfuls of whatever food is on offer as though they have been starved for a week before filming.

I may love The Wire but I’d happily sit through Brummies eating sushi off a worryingly hairy man any day!

GET WIRED.

The Wire is epic. Sometimes I wonder if I would value my life at all if I hadn’t seen it. Sometimes I wonder if I would value human life at all if it hadn’t been created. It is the first artistic masterpiece to have been created for television. You must watch it. When it comes to [...] Read more »

The Wire is epic. Sometimes I wonder if I would value my life at all if I hadn’t seen it. Sometimes I wonder if I would value human life at all if it hadn’t been created. It is the first artistic masterpiece to have been created for television. You must watch it.

When it comes to this Baltimore based cop-show there are essentially two groups of people. Those who absolutely love it and those who haven’t seen it. The Wire’s novelistic density is unrivalled in the medium heretofore. Each show is a labyrinth packed with an array of plots and sub-plots that would make a palace-coup seem simple. The characters without exception have an epic depth to their personality, customs and even language. No two individuals will react in the same way to a given scenario and by the end of a few episodes you will have grasped the intricacies of each protagonist.

Ostensibly a police drama, The Wire is so much more. It’s an epitaph to American Industry, a sociological study of Baltimore and an induction into the drug industry all in one. The show spans the class divide; it engages with people who we would otherwise find repellent and makes them loveable. And it has what literary critics call ‘negative capability’. The capacity to step into the shoes of multiple individuals and explain life as they see it.

The visuals of the city are also exceptional. It gives a glimpse of the realism this drama generates, when I say I am aware of which season of the year a particular group of episodes has been filmed in. Series 2 for example, which tells the story of a bunch of dock-workers, starts in the depths of winter. The men are as hard as the crates they move and the visuals of crisp winter days radiate this sentiment. There is an atmosphere to this part of the story, something which grows beyond words and speaks to the audience on a level they probably didn’t know television could reach.

Another aspect of the show I love is the drugs and the drug industry. Set in an urban area with America’s highest crime rate, the show doesn’t skimp on the hardships and degenerate behaviour which make up daily life. Having watched five seasons I now feel well-versed in the micro-economy and unique social relations that make up this seedy aspect of society which seldom gets reported. This is real.

Finally, The Wire delights on a verbal and philosophical level. The ironies of life ‘on the edge’ and the absurdities thrust on so many of the characters are often distilled in pithy axioms which help the mind savour each episode. A drug baron lectures a lawyer, ‘I got the shotgun, you got the brief-case what’s the difference’, while the short life expectancy of the low-level drug runners is summed-up at the chess board. ‘The pawns get capped early in the game’.

So I implore you. Set aside the revision books this Easter. Invest a hundred quid in buying the box sets and settle down for a month of exceptional television. The world would be heavenly if people watched a television show about hell.

A MAN WALKS INTO AN AD AGENCY…

EMMA KELLY GIVES FIVE REASONS TO TUNE INTO ‘MAD MEN’ Read more »

1) The story: Set in a 1960s advertising agency, Mad Men initially looks like an office drama; but it’s so much more than that. We get a glimpse into how the advertising world works as well as all the work place interaction. It’s about people running away from their past, covering up secrets, failing marriages, rash affairs and so much more! Most shows focus on one issue but, like The Wire, it encompasses so much more than a normal TV show.

2) Slow build up: Mad Men is the perfect antidote for any Wire fan who is exhausted from keeping up with 16 storylines in each episode. The main character, Don Draper, is portrayed as having the perfect life of an advertising executive; yet as the show develops you start to see the cracks appear very slowly. Watching Mad Men is an experience, immersing you in the swinging ’60s. It’s worth watching because it rewards patience; when something big happens, it’s better than any ‘end of season’ cliff-hanger another show could ever come up with. I’ve literally had to phone up fellow Mad Men fans late at night to discuss the episode I’ve just watched because something amazing has happened; this is something I’ve never bothered to do with any other show.

3) Attention to detail: You know you’re watching a great programme when you can hear 1960s Manhattan street noise and smell actual ’60s cigarettes (not literally of course). One particularly excellent area of attention to detail is the fashion. All the women in the show are impeccably dressed, especially Don’s wife Betty who has all the best the ’60s had to offer. People go on about the fashion in Gossip Girl but in reality they should be talking about Mad Men with its sharp suits and perfect perms. Mad Men really looks like the 1960s and these high production values mark it out above the usual humdrum so-called period pieces.

4) Historical links: Because of its historical setting, Mad Men uses real events to provide a timeline for the view. Events like the Cuban Missile Crisis link into the story line in a way other shows wouldn’t bother about. A third season episode is set entirely around the shooting of JFK, providing an insight into how it affected normal Americans, an perspective rarely considered. It’s this level of attention to detail and clever story telling that sets Mad Men apart

5) Smoking and drinking: Mad Men is unapologetically accurate in its depiction of the excesses of the 1960s. The drinking and smoking is such an institution in Mad Men that when someone isn’t smoking or pouring themselves a Scotch from the ever handy decanter in the office you become a little confused. What other show revels in such un-politically correct debauchery?
As Mad Men creator Matthew Weiner tellingly reveals: ‘I try and tell a story that you don’t know the ending, but when you see it, it seems inevitable’: you have no excuse for not watching!

‘MAD MEN’ SEASON THREE WILL AIR ON BBC FOUR IN 2010

Home sweet (kind of) Home

GOING LOCAL Read more »

I’ve always had a bit of a predilection for a bit of local radio. We’re lucky here since BBC London is one of the best around. Unfortunately, without the acres of spare time that I had last year I’m having to make do with a few podcasts from the station, mere titbits of a week’s shows.

The early-afternoon presenter on BBC London – ex-LSE student and current Camden Town resident – Robert Elms, was absent from his show/podcast last week; he was replaced for the week with the always chipper Gary Crowley, the station’s pop music aficionado.

On first on Crowley’s (or officially Elms’) podcast this week is John O’Farrell, comedy writer turned informal history writer plugging his new book to the good London public. O’Farrell’s someone that Crowley appears to have done no research on and shows little if any interest in at all. If it was TV I reckon Crowley would be seen staring out the window. The presenter even says ‘it’s very easy to view the ’80s with rose-tinted glasses’ when O’Farrell, as an ex-writer on Spitting Image, made a good living and carved a good reputation by openly criticising the politics of the decade. The presenter seemed relieved when he could end the interview: ‘yeah, erm…it’s on Doubledate for £18.99’.

Crowley might have been having on off day then though. Presumably, he was having a better day when two posh men came in to talk about a Chris Duffy exhibition. Turned out that they were Duffy’s son and the curator of the exhibition; strangely, even his son referred to Duffy by his surname. If there was anything that I learnt from this listening to this it was that I must be an utter philistine. Who’s Chris Duffy? Until they mentioned David Bailey I was clueless to what they were blathering on about. This, opposed to how Crowley appeared to be unwilling to talk to O’Farrell, became way too in-depth in photographical lingo. ‘Duffy worked for six years in Vogue for six years…Cecil Beeton was an absolute master’ was the easiest stuff to follow. It was all very nice but it felt like being given an A Level textbook for a subject before starting secondary school.

The best feature of Elms’/Crowley’s podcast is always the Listed Londoner section – asking a well-known Londoner about London never disappoints. Ever. David Arnold, the film score composer, was Crowley’s interviewee for this week. The presenter rattled through the questions far too quickly, and seemingly there were fewer questions asked than Elms usually asks. ‘Arnold’s favourite open space in London is Hampstead Heath…quickly…er, right: ‘what’s your favourite restaurant in London, David?’’ would appear to have been the approximate thoughts sloshing about in Crowley’s brain.

It was okay, just not as good as Elms tends to be – which in all honesty is understandable since Crowley’s done it for a week. But don’t let this put you off local radio, and BBC local radio at that. Despite its listeners being predominantly middle-aged and middle-class, it can be a real force for good, especially where communities are concerned. Local radio belongs in the mix, like the village green or jam making does in the countryside and er, noise and fumes do in the city.

BEDS, FLATULENCE AND NUCLEAR BUNKERS

NATHAN BRIANT MUSES ON HISTORY AND ‘COMEDY’ Read more »

Like clockwork, at the start of a new parliamentary year Prime Minister’s Questions returns after the summer recess. Unfortunately the events itself in the Commons weren’t the firecracker that it could have been last week. 5 Live’s analysis after the event was provided by Phil Williams, sitting in for Simon Mayo (Wednesdays). Joined initially by 5 Live’s politics bigwig John Pienaar and the Daily Telegraph’s Andrew Porter, Williams’ presenting was ponderous and slow, although his guests did help to liven up the agenda a little. Porter certainly stayed true to his employer’s politics: Nick Clegg’s question to Gordon Brown was only ‘relatively interesting’ – a Daily Telegraph journalist would appear to be only able to give limited praise to a Liberal Democrat, clearly – and he talked of how MPs had returned from their ‘long’ holidays.
Williams took an odd tone considering his next guests were three politicians. His joke that ‘you know what to do when work dries up: become an MP’s cleaner – there’s clearly some money in that!’ was clearly inappropriate.

As expected there was a noticeable change of tone when Kerry McCarthy, Norman Lamb and Mark Harper, Labour, Liberal Democrat and Tory MPs respectively, entered the studio. Lamb was particularly combative – he must have had a bag of Skittles and a sugary drink before the show, such was his incredible eagerness to butt in and chatter away. Williams’ knowledge of the panellists he was interviewing was at times wanting – he knew their constituencies but not much else. Irritatingly he played on the fact that McCarthy has been unofficially termed the Labour Party’s ‘Twitter Tsar’ three or four times in the space of the half an hour. Plus, it’d be Tsarina, Phil…

The main issue of PMQs at the House of Commons an hour earlier – Afghanistan – was quickly bypassed. Other issues were just as quickly skimmed over at Williams’ wont and then the presenter went in for his killer point: MPs’ expenses. Lamb had been asked by Sir Thomas Legg for details regarding mortgage receipts, but nothing more; McCarthy and Harper were happy to declare that they had not been pulled up on anything. Harper appeared to be so proud he even brought his letter that he’d received from Sir Thomas Legg into the studio.

But Williams had done a tiny scrap of research on McCarthy’s bed-purchasing antics, most probably through a quick Google search: since she was elected in 2005 the Labour MP had bought two beds for a one-bedroom flat: how could this be justified, asked Williams. It had a slight hint of a witch hunt. McCarthy explained: she had bought a bed from Habitat, then they couldn’t deliver for twelve weeks so she brought another one forgetting that she had already brought one from Habitat and anyway she’s living in an £80 hotel whilst in London so we can all imagine how luxurious that is, she said.

Reassuring evidence that the world may be a better place than it was twenty years ago was provided by BBC Radio 4’s excellent 1989: Day By Day. On the 12th October twenty ago Margaret Thatcher was still Britain’s Prime Minister, however nominally, and interest rates were at fifteen per cent. Nigel Lawson was the Iron Lady’s Chancellor: ‘anyone who becomes Chancellor in order to be popular has chosen the wrong job’ and he was ‘giving the medicine Britain needs’.

Meanwhile, Albert Brown brought the end to his money making vision: his idea of a huge nuclear bunker to protect 1,000 salvation-seeking customers from an atom bomb was ditched because Brown had decided that the world was ‘too peaceful’. Ironically across Europe the Cold War was coming to an end. Even the Politburos in East Germany were getting irritated regarding communism; 70,000 East Germansmarched through Leipzig.

Perhaps less historically significant is Frank Skinner’s show on Absolute Radio (Saturdays). He seems to be the victim of a demotion campaign undertaken by the radio station: in the two-minute introduction to the podcast Absolute’s newest addition, Dave Gorman, was mentioned twice; Skinner wasn’t mentioned once. It appears that there may be a real danger of the station becoming a haven for comedians that have nothing to do at weekends.

The programme consists of chatter. Just bantering with his team and harbouring some unnamed man that bursts into very loud chuckles whenever Skinner says anything that’s relatively funny is actually the only entertainment on offer here. Skinner’s sidekick and seemingly protégé, Gareth, possesses what must be one of the banal voices ever heard on radio. The other member of Team Skinner, the terrifically posh Emily is seemingly on the programme for no reason other than to read emails.

Whereas Skinner has documented over time that he is liable to criticism whilst doing stand up tours since he would have ploughed months of work into it, there is no way that it could be said that this show could be conceived of suffering from any extensive preparation – it’s all of the cuff, and unfortunately Skinner seemed to be having an off day here. It’s rambling content doesn’t help the pace of the show. He saw Simon Amstell in Richmond, so he talks about that, then Richmond, and then somehow links that to how he went to the modern ballet and sat next to an elderly man with a flatulence problem.

The show, played out originally on a Saturday gives Absolute Radio roughly 45 minutes of Skinnerisms every week, lacks any real reasons for listening again. There may be a reason for why Absolute’s promoting Dave Gorman about to such a degree…

A DIFFERENT KIND OF COMEDY

AARON GAMMALLIERE REMEMBERS BEING AN INBETWEENER Read more »

America; home to the world’s biggest porn industry, the death penalty, and Richard Pryor. Even their politicians have filthy names: (Big)Dick Cheney, George (Lady-Garden)Bush, (Nice)rack Obama, the list goes on. Yet, given the porn, the killing, jokes about being black, and funny names, America’s mainstream television is, broadly speaking, pretty tame. Sure, Saturday Night Live has it’s whincing moments, and even the VMAs has proven that American telly can be, at a push, pretty below the belt and painful when it wants to be. However, for me, America has always failed to deliver where British telly will always excel, and that’s in, well, lewd comedy. Yank shows simply don’t satisfy the smut-hungry and tasteless infant that many of us, including me, have deep inside. It seems that, despite US culture being the dominant force in western lifestyles, particularly for teenagers and (I type this with repressed rage) ‘young adults’, America has failed to produce a fresh, original, and most importantly, funny sitcom aimed specifically to younger audiences. Sure American Pie 1 (I must stress only the first film) had some cringe-inducing and genuinely hilarious moments, but the fact that this didn’t successfully resonate in either film or television shows that something is lacking in the American water. Luckily for us, however, I found the remedy to the drought of decent US teenage comedy, and it lies in E4’s ‘The Inbetweeners’.
I first stumbled across The Inbetweeners by accident, at about 1 in the morning, on E4, some time ago. There I was, bored, a bit tired, sort of hungry, all the while watching four losers try to woo girls with some battered old car. For those of you not in the loop, the show revolves around four 17 year olds at an English suburban comprehensive school. They consist of Neil (lanky dope) Jay (obscene, vulgar, predatorial sex-maniac) Simon (nice-guy-who-finishes-last hopeless romantic) and the show’s narrator, Will (posh boy who carries a briefcase to school and simply doesn’t belong around commoners). The premise of the show is beautifully simple; each episode follows the gang’s attempts at getting served at pubs, juggling school life, and getting laid. So far, so predictable, you might think. The familiarities of the show, however, end there.

First, to the characters themselves. What made the show, initially, so appealing to me, was the fraternity that the four losers have. The banter about boning the others mum in her bed last night, or the familiar exchange about being gay, are all common ground between the friends, but the believability of the characters themselves, and their particular traits, spurs me to make comparisons to my own teenage years, which is scarily close to what is depicted in the show. The show allows one to laugh at the shear squareness of Will, for example, and still empathise with his plights, and root for the speccy geek to finally lose it with Charlotte ‘big tits’. The multi-faceted characters seem a world away from the one-lined and flat creations that plague a majority of shows, and so creates a plausible commentary of male teenage life.

Whereas past teenage comedies, be they British or American, rely upon cheap gags, falling over and flailing limbs around mindlessly (Fresh Price, I’m looking in your direction) with often stupid scenarios that depend on the humour spurring from the plot’s shear absurdity, The Inbetweeners rips up the doodled rule book of pubescent humour, and starts from the beginning, and what separates the show from the others that fall under the rather broad ‘alternative’ umbrella is in its script. Don’t be fooled, sex, getting laid, and losing your V are all on the list, but the script itself, and its impeccable delivery, elevates it from the depths of smut it so carefully traverses across, to the heights that make it a comedy heavyweight that gives Peep Show a run for its money. Never shying from the brutally harsh and unfair onslaught of secondary-school public opinion, the script beautifully captures the horrible reality of being the one who doesn’t fit in (at this point, I try to repress dormant memories). The girls calling you a virgin or a freak, the boys constantly calling you a prick or a knob, and the younger kids knowing your just an easy target, to which the Inbetweeners’ rebuttal goes nowhere beyond ‘what was that about?’, perfectly capturing the helplessness and confusion of the characters. In addition, the genuinely foul-mouthed and vulgar outpourings of the four accurately capture the conversational substance of boy-talk. On my count, every profanity, with the exception of the C-Bomb, has been dropped, and used none-too sparingly, adding a sense of authenticity to what could otherwise be an ‘insert-rude-word-for-effect-here’ situation.

As well as the believable dialogue and script, the plots which unfold in the show are nothing short of comic genius. Straying from the dramatic, or even gripping, The Inbetweeners instead prides itself on simplistic premises that would, in a lesser show, be over with before the adverts. These range from going to Thorpe Park to get girls, to work experience over two days. Clearly, the writers rely upon the mantra of less is more, the execution of which makes the half hour of viewing incredibly captivating, simple, and not once a chore to watch. This makes the show even more refreshing, given the plethora of shows around that insist on you watching every week, sometimes more than once, just to see who’s dead, or which one of those guys is the dad. The Inbetweeners is truly a drop-in-drop-out show. You can pick it up any time, without Wikipedia-ing the early episodes, and this, in my worthless opinion, is a quality in shows which is not only rare, but hard to maintain. Two series in, The Inbetweeners is succeeding.

It’s fair to say that the show won’t be to everyone’s taste. Stuck-up prudes who save the dirty talk for the bedroom may find the script a bit blue, whereas the socially ignorant (some may say fortunate) who know nothing of the horrors of comprehensive-school education may not appreciate the modest scenarios of the show. For those of that description, the humour of The Inbetweeners may be wasted on you. Having said this, if the themes of alienation, sex and vulgarity, and genuine hilarity strike a chord, and you are, like me, bored of terse and inoffensive American telly, then I suggest you make The Inbetweeners your new best friend. And while you’re at it, join me in petitioning for ‘clunge’ to be added into the English dictionary.

TOO MUCH TV?

ANGELA CHOW CAN’T MAKE UP HER MIND Read more »

Are we, as a nation, spending too much time watching television? A quick mini survey has shown me that most of us watch a lot of TV. I will always have at least one of my friends surf the internet for TV show news on her laptop next to me during lectures and every time I prance into my flatmate’s room, she is watching TV, without fail. The same applies to me, so that already makes three of us. Whilst I know that this is not even representative of our student body, let alone the nation, deep down within our innate intuitions, I think we all know that TV has a big, and probably unhealthy, part to play in our lives in the current sedentary and consumer electronics-saturated 21st Century.
I want to invite you to think back to the times when TV was not around, and people had to find some other way to entertain themselves. Seriously, you’ll be hard pushed to think of something which is as enjoyable and informative as our trusty silver screens full of bright colours, comedy and the sorts. Even the thought of black and white TV already depresses me, highlighting that in our present fashionable generation, we expect and demand nothing less than the best from our HD TV boxes. Moreover, our television boxes no longer monopolise our TV watching hours in this new technology advanced era where shows are easily accessible on our iPods, PSPs and most importantly, our computer screens. The iPlayer and 4OD are just two examples of media which make video content available online pretty much immediately after its airing time on our actual televisions. Take the Apprentice for example; it was found that this show caused record usage on the BBC iPlayer, increasing the traffic to their site threefold. So the main question is, can we now ever go back to live in a post-modern non-television-imbued world?

Some of you reading this would answer yes, in which case I applaud you for your discipline and resistance. However, just pause for a moment to think about the average American who undertakes 2 months of nonstop TV-watching per year according to Nielson viewing statistics, which, shockingly, can be equated to the deplorable reality that in a 65-year life, that average person will have spent ‘9 years glued to the tube’. Furthermore, these shameful statistics show that by the time an average child finishes elementary school, they would have seen 8,000 murders on TV and 200,000 violent acts by age 18. So maybe the reality is that we probably cannot ever go back to life without our televisions, but even so, should something be done about the modern excessive usage of these lethal machines?

I’ll admit that I’ll be the first in line to defend my dearly loved television/iPod/laptop/any other digital device that will emit Gossip Girl, and be the last to acknowledge that I may have a slight addiction to these superficial and pointless but entertaining shows, however, I am under no illusion that I could be doing something much more productive with my time. Yet, despite this, I still choose to spend countless continuous hours crouched in front of whatever device is showing me vivid moving colours of a fake digital world.

So after all that, I still haven’t come to a conclusion. Whilst the television has absolutely and undeniably become a phenomenon, providing us with endless hours of entertainment and distraction from reality, it doesn’t come without a price. Like the age old saying, there is no such thing as a free lunch; we obliviously pay for it by walking into a lifestyle of inactivity and obesity, a generation with an epidemic of violence and an early tendency towards image problems. Obviously, what I have described is very extreme, but the point is that it is by no means untrue.

So, whilst I am in no way even attempting to take the moral high ground by telling you to stop watching telly, as that would unquestionably make me a hypocrite, I am merely suggesting that the next time you feel like a bit of a healthy and deserved break, maybe you should challenge yourself to refrain from pressing that inviting red button on your TV remote control and instead, do something else…anything else. Obviously, the same goes for me.

HAVE I GOT TV NEWS FOR YOU

ANGELA CHOW CATCHES UP ON SUMMER TV Read more »

The new term has now started. For some of us, we will be reunited with friends whom we have not seen for as long as four months. For others, namely freshers, you will be meeting more new faces in the space of a few weeks than you have ever met before in your lives. After the polite exchanges of summer stories or summaries of your life respectively, there is only so much more that you can talk about before conversations run dry and those dreaded awkward silences creep in.

Therefore, to avoid the aforementioned uncomfortable fractures in our daily chitchats, which usually happens directly after a weird comment is made by those who are socially unskilled and where all threads of conversations die because all parties feel that someone else should be talking, yet no one does, here are the essential updates on what has been happening on our shiny silver screens which will undoubtedly save any social situation.

Although the summer has come and gone, a lot can happen in four months in the TV world: characters come and go; TV shows can begin and end. So sit back and inform your out-of-touch brains with the current affairs of the skin-deep world of television, in no particular order.

For those of you lucky enough to have stayed in sunny England over the summer, you may be familiar with a certain Sophie Reade. About five of you will have watched her walk through some double doors and emerge £71,320 richer, 93 days later. This is a globally familiar concept which is adopted in almost 70 countries. Unfortunately, it was announced last month that due to declining ratings, Big Brother 2010 (UK) will be the last. What a shame.

Now let’s move on.

We welcome back good old Saturday night TV with the return of Strictly Come Dancing and The X-Factor. Now, these two shows really are conversation starters, sparking random debates amongst total strangers on buses to being topics of countless Facebook groups and Twitter statuses. It is totally up to you whether you think that the creepy twins should have gone through to the live shows or whether they deserve to have their heads slapped together numerous times for being obnoxious twits. The reality of it is, that with 10 million viewers every Saturday night for the next 4 months, X Factor and Strictly Come Dancing, arguably to a lesser extent, are here to stay. So having an opinion on these shows, even if negative, will stand you in good stead every Monday morning, equipping you with useless knowledge to handle even the most socially inept and awkward counter person.

I really don’t care about soaps but if you really want to know, Eastenders won ‘Best British Soap’ at the British Soap Awards, although that’s not really too hard as only two soaps have ever won this title since its inception in 1999, with the other being Coronation Street.

Crossing over the Atlantic, Fall (Autumn) always marks the return of many of our favourite American guilty pleasures. The start of season 4 saw Claire Bennett go to college and Peter Petrelli return to being a nurse, abandoning their ‘Heroes’ lifestyles. Although it is still only the beginning of the season, fans are advised that they should not be holding their breath for another one as despite the good-intentioned attempts at jazzing up the now preposterous storylines, for example, the weird Nathan/Sylar plot along with Hiro Nakamura’s on/off powers, it appears to have fallen from the dizzy heights of grace and tossed aside by viewers to make way for television’s equivalent of shiny new toys.

Moving on, the beginning of season 6 saw Dr Gregory House waking up in a psychiatric hospital in solitary confinement due to Vicodin withdrawal. Although House fans will get to enjoy another 22 episodes of medical Sherlock Holmes, it was recently hinted that this season may be the last from Hugh Laurie, and naturally, House, since stepping into the character of the infamous limping doctor has actually given him a limp in real life, possibly forcing him to stop filming.

As pointed out last week, one of the most anticipated returns to our plasma screens was that of Serena and her shallow, egotistical gang in the Upper East Side, where the start of the new term at NYU saw Queen B being pushed aside to make way for the evil that is Georgina. These Gossip Girls and boys have returned with a bang and will undoubtedly be keeping their legions of loyal fans happy each week by strutting in front of our eyes with quirky and eccentric, designer-clad wardrobes. However, someone needs to tell Gossip Girl, whoever she is, to write something bad and get rid of Vanessa.

I have often been told that no one would be interested if I wrote about The Hills but I want to, so if you are indifferent or you don’t care, just skip this paragraph and move on. The last time we visited the Hollywood Hills, we saw the official union of Speidi. The Urban Dictionary defines a ‘prat’ as ‘basically someone who is a major idiot’. I have always wanted to point this out: does anyone else think that Spencer Pratt could not have been more aptly named? Anyway, every Hills fan should be sad that we will no longer be able to follow Lauren Conrad to FIDM or People’s Revolution. Her departure will probably lead to the premature decline of MTV’s biggest ever series since her shockingly foul and unpleasant replacement, Kristin Cavallari, will without question single-handedly kill the show. We should, however, be to some extent excited at the return of the City, although Olivia is in desperate need of a slap.

Hand in hand with seasoned favourites, also come brand spanking new pilots and premieres of new shows based on recycled themes and ideas. Whilst Season 2 of True Blood has come and gone, last month saw the emergence of The Vampire Diaries, exploiting our currently post-Twilight, vampire-obsessed state. I was also introduced to a new High-School- Musical-type series called Glee which has fast become my favourite shiny new toy (thanks Kay).

Meanwhile, in line with the saying of out with the old and in with the new, the past few months also saw a few tragedies. Dirty Sexy Money and Privileged have been shelved as well as the much publicised The Beautiful Life which was supposed to mark the return of Mischa Barton since her OC heyday. Unfortunately the Life was just not that Beautiful with only about 1 million viewers tuning in for the pilot resulting in it becoming this autumn’s first cancelled show after just 2 episodes.

Anyway, now that we have filled and updated our brains with mindless plots, storylines and other similarly useless knowledge from the superficial world of our small screens, we can safely go out into our equally superficial LSE world equipped with many a conversation starter and filler to remedy any uneasy tongue-tied moment.

CONSTRUCTING A NEW WORLD

It was as if a group of artists decided that they wanted to do some mathematics – that was the impression I was left with at the end of the exhibition entitled Van Doesburg and the International Avant-garde at the Tate Modern. Avant-garde represents a pushing of boundaries of the norm or the status quo, [...] Read more »

It was as if a group of artists decided that they wanted to do some mathematics – that was the impression I was left with at the end of the exhibition entitled Van Doesburg and the International Avant-garde at the Tate Modern. Avant-garde represents a pushing of boundaries of the norm or the status quo, primarily in the cultural realm. In the culture of art, Theo van Doesburg sought to create a kind of universal aesthetic utopia consisting of brightly coloured squares and boldly delineated lines. He founded the Dutch art movement entitled De Stijl which, translated, means “The Style”. And the work of Van Doesburg and his followers are indeed highly stylized, just like the building blocks of an economics model. In this sprawling exhibition of 11 rooms, you will come across just about as many colourful rectangles and squares as the manufacturers of Rubik’s cubes do – which is a lot more colourful rectangles and squares than you really want to see.

A bit of background: Theo van Doesburg was the leading figure in the development of geometric abstraction following the era of Picasso’s cubism, fostering contacts with devotees of Dada and the Bauhaus, preaching the austere geometrical principles of De Stijl – the art movement he founded – and thus becoming a sounding board and transmitter of ideas for the diverse network of artists who shared his vision. Moved by the idea that art had to improve the lot of the masses by coming down off gallery walls and going into the streets, Van Doesburg wanted to create the kind of art that is universal. He sought to establish a visual vocabulary comprised of elementary geometric forms comprehensible by all and adaptable to any discipline. Despite being the founder, it was not Van Doesburg, but Piet Mondrian who became the artist most commonly associated with De Stijl art movement, especially since he achieved major celebrity when fashion designer Yves Saint Laurent, in his fall collection of 1965, featured shift dresses in blocks of primary color with black bordering – a design inspired by Mondrian.

It was not easy to enjoy the exhibition: Van Doesburg’s incessant zest for order and rationality gradually becomes stifling. There is a distinct lack of human element in the works exhibited. Instead, art is rationalized with cartesian formulation and mathematical precision. The work entitled Arithmetic Composition, for example, is a mathematical arrangement based on the ratio 3, 6, 12, 24 on a grid displaying the progression of four diagonally aligned black squares. It is a piece of work that is sombre and precise, not to mention terribly self-important. Van Doesburg justified the work as a way to express simultaneity and time sequences in space – an artistic expression of the 4th dimension, if you will. A lot of the art works present had unsentimentally functional names devised with cold clinical detachment: composition V, composition XX, counter-composition VI, counter-composition XII, etc. With a little derivative ingenuity, one would be able to figure out that the “counter-composition” pictures are the likeliness of the original “composition” pictures tilted at 45 degrees. Incidentally, innocuously tilting the paintings has often been speculated as the primary reason for the fall-out between Van Doesburg and Mondrian: Mondrian never accepted diagonals and insisted on horizontals, whereas van Doesburg proclaimed diagonals to be superior because of their dynamic aspects, and featured much of the diagonals in his art. They found their differences irreconcilable and thus declared a split in their friendship.

Although De Stijl appears to be lacking in appeal as a method of painting, its simple functionality and inherent equilibrium shines through in architecture and everyday design. In the rooms of architecture, there are more madly intricate assemblies of coloured cubes and rectangles, but here they serve a more tangible raison d’etre. Model of the Small Ballroom, Café l’Aubette, Strasbourg, a wooden miniature ballroom designed by Van Doesburg, invites one to peer through the doors into a space of lively balance, where the exuberance of colours is contained by the rigidity of lines and grids. Room 5 of the exhibition was dedicated to De Stijl typography, which is inscribed with a square or rectangle, with absolutely no curves. The typeface is a succinct representation of the artworks in this exhibition – structured, ordered, meticulous, remorselessly simple and unapologetically loud in the invariable use of capital letters. There were also aesthetically pleasing examples of invitation cards, signage and advertising posters incorporated with geometric visions that exude a distinctly modern feel, even today.

Nevertheless, 10 rooms later, one is left with a gasping need for the fluidity and natural curvature that had been present in the earlier works of Van Doesburg, as displayed in the first room. In De Stjil, the artist is a mechanic who manufactures and assembles. With the serialization of artworks, the proliferation of grids, lines and angles, and the mathematical mechanics, one cannot help but feel that to De Stjil group, art seems like something to be controlled, contained and rationalized, rather than expressed and set free. This is a far cry from the “spiritual expression” that art should be about according to Wassily Kandinsky, the man who had once been a source of Van Doesburg’s inspiration. Still, the key of avant-garde is the overturning of what has come before, so we must not be surprised. While it is not difficult to understand the De Stijl notion and desire to elegantly combine mathematics, art and musical symphony, it is much more difficult to appreciate the end result. Modern art has, too often, been a series of very good ideas that gave birth to very ugly manifestations.

Van Doesburg and The International Avant-garde: Constructing a New World is open until 16TH MAY 2010 at the Tate Modern

TURNING HEADS

DUNCAN MCKENNA EXPLORES THE TURNER AND THE MASTERS EXHIBTION Read more »

This is not a typical exhibition. Rather than a self-justifying glorification of Turner’s mastery, it concerns itself more with narrative. Anybody who has seen Turner’s work, knows that he was a virtuoso of the Romantic school; his skilful paintings are frequently populated by the rolling hillsides and ethereal seascapes he is best known for, all portrayed with a beguiling mix of explosive power and tender delicacy. However, Turner and the Masters, doesn’t rest on its laurels, but rather challenges Turner and holds to account his attempts to expand his repertoire by juxtaposing his wider works with the originals of other greats that inspired him.

The exhibition spans across six rooms, the first of which is entitled ‘Education and Emulation’. In these early works, already emerging is Turner’s penchant for the epic and ephemeral. Even at this stage we can see Turner’s typically brilliant use of light and the seascape emerge in Moonlight, a Study at Millbank and even more so in Harlech Castle; the meandering estuary is treated with a soft beauty, Turner embalming the scene in golden evening light. This first room is a good encapsulation of the exhibition as a whole, as here Turner challenges a multitude of the Old Masters and, whether he succeeds or fails, is always daring and tenacious. A prime example of his bravery is situated on the final wall of Room One. Turner was asked to paint a piece to be hung with Willem Van de Velde’s Ships in a Stormy Sea, and so he produced Dutch Boats in a Gale, an almost mirror image. Turner, in creating an exact counterpoint to a revered master of seascapes, makes a metaphorical statement of intent, the audacity of which is heightened when Turner then goes on to make the picture his own. He challenges Van de Velde’s precision and adds a far more textural style to the waves, replacing the black, glassy expanse of sea in the Dutchman’s work, with an energetic application of whites, browns and intense greys, imbuing the piece with a genuine sense of threat.

However in the next rooms, the assurance Turner shows early on seems to evaporate. Room Two focuses on Turner’s experiments with the Grand Style. When Turner’s Crossing the Brook and Lorrain’s Moses Saved from the Waters are compared, the two classical scenes look very similar, but Turner’s effort looks grandiose and pale compared to the characteristic richness in the other piece. Comparisons between Turner and Salvator Rosa, Lorrain and Titian see him repeatedly left wanting as he tries to impress his dreamlike style on pieces that are simply unsuitable.

It was in Room Three – when Turner challenges the Dutch school – that I began to think that the curators didn’t actually much like Turner. Two walls are dedicated to Rembrandt, and Turner’s attempts to emulate him; the most piquant contrast is between Jessica and Rembrandt’s Girl at a Window. Turner’s imitation feels like just that, an imitation. There are many direct parallels but the most striking are the faces; Rembrandt depicts a sweet and charming girl with a healthy flush in her cheeks, spot lit in perfect white light; and Jessica, cast in shadow, looks goggled eyed, her cheeks over-rouged – she feels like a fake in comparison. Again, when Rembrandt’s Christ and the Woman Taken in Adultery is compared with Pilate Washing his Hands, the contrast is clear. The spiel on the wall claims “all who approached [Rembrandt’s piece] pulled off their hats” in reverence.’ It is hard to imagine anybody removing their hat for Pilate, screwing up their face into a mildly confused squint is more likely.

One of the true gems of the exhibition, Aelbert Cuyp’s Herdsman with Five Cows, lies in the back right corner of this room. Turner himself poetically praised Cuyp for his ability “to blend minutiae in all the golden colour of vapour.” His response, Abingdon, loses the crispness and perfect wisps of gold that Cuyp exhibits and ends up feeling washed out.

It was to my great relief then, when the tide began to turn, coincidentally – or not – when Turner returns to painting waterscapes. As we see him lusciously depict a vibrant and energetic Venice in some of his most beautiful paintings in the exhibition (Bridge of Sighs, Ducal Palace…), and his dramatic portrayal of naval warfare Battle of Trafalgar, he begins to find his feet in a style that was truly becoming his own.

In the final room, we find a comparison that Turner wins hands down, when Lorrain’s Seaport at Sunset and Turner’s Regulus are hung together. Here finally the styles of the Old Masters yield to Turner’s greatness. Both paintings feature a low sun however the orange light of Sunset is made to look pedestrian next to the breathtaking, powder-white burst of almost celestial light in Regulus. Epic buildings and dramatic seas are all but overwhelmed by the powerful burst of light that Turner portrays.

Turner and the Masters reaches its crescendo halfway along the left wall of Room Six with the breathlessly panicked and powerful Snow Storm. Now, rather than imitation, Turner had mastered his own style, which he defined as ‘atmosphere.’ Where Ruisdale’s Rough Sea, hung nearby, looks static, a moment captured in a storm, Snow Storm catches the whole thing in all its terrible power and awful majesty. It is a painting which endows motion, sound and fear to the canvas. The colours and vivid movements of the brush reveal genuine vigour. It achieves everything that Turner had spent his life striving for and is a fitting end to a bold exhibition.

The final room is filled with other masterpieces that safely reassert our admiration for Turner, which is questioned throughout. Yet now it is all the stronger. And that is the brilliance of what the curators have achieved here. Turner and the Masters reveals the struggles and stages that Turner went through on his journey to becoming the historical figure he is today, and Turner aside, the wealth of other fantastic works on display, by a multitude of history’s greatest painters, are worth the visit alone. This is a genuinely courageous exhibition that is not to be missed.

TURNER AND THE MASTERS IS AT THE TATE BRITAIN UNTIL
JANUARY 31ST 2010

THE LAST DEBUTANTES

ETIQUETTE, DIOR AND COMING OF AGE Read more »

“Debutante [deb-yoo-tahnt]: Aristocratic teenage girl, around 17 years old, formally launched into society. Deb for short.”

It was on a breezy, bright day in August that I found myself reading definitions off of large white placards, part of a much longed-for exhibition held within the beautiful interiors of Kensington Palace.

The exhibition in question, dubbed ‘The Last Debutantes’, is a pink-black-and-white escape into the life and times of England’s most privileged girls, designed to not only educate you about all aspects of this glamorous coming-of-age tradition, but to explain its ultimate demise via the onset of the Swinging Sixties.

For a time I became a shutterbug, completely determined to capture a sight by sight documentary of all the exhibition had to offer. It is beautifully put together – so many treats: visual, cinematic, photographic, sartorial. Interviews with former debs, personal memories, newsreel footage, letters, invitations, and a whole array of vintage artefacts (to the likes of dainty lace gloves, perfume bottles, handkerchiefs and stilettos).

A large white room plays host to interactive Etiquette Lessons, including ‘How to walk gracefully’ (with a book on your head), and step-by-step instructions to the perfect curtsey. There are even few points baouthe boys (popularly referred to as ‘Debs delights’), like the innovative little codes thrown around between mothers and daughters. Boys who were FU (Financially Unsound) or NSIT (Not Safe in Taxis) were avoided at all costs.

And then there are the dresses – the primary purpose of my visit. Anyone with a penchant for vintage clothing (or simply pretty dresses) would swoon at the sight of the room full of original 1958 couture from the ateliers of Hartnell, Balmain, Dior and Worth.
But what of the tagline, “A Season of Change”? This is what truly sets the exhibition apart – the fact that it doesn’t simply explore the glitzy details of the dreamy world of debutantes, but actually chronicles its closing stages.

This compelling side of the story highlights the problems faced by many debs. The dreaded awkwardness of standing alone on the dance floor. Toppling over whilst curtseying to the Queen. And the gravest of things: belonging to a family facing the hardships of the post-war era, and being plunged into debt due to the deb expenses, which totalled around £11,000 in today’s equivalent (and that was only the minimum on a shoestring budget!).

The end came at a time when the over powering desire to rock and roll made most people reconsider the former allure of the debutante traditions. Spending obscene amounts of money to “formally launch” young girls into society no longer seemed like a worthwhile investment. It was no longer in sync with the times. The socio-economic backdrop of the late 50s was defined by the rise of teenage spending power and the activities that catered to them. With new coffee bars, night clubs, chart-topping Elvis and Jerry Lee Lewis, 17 year-olds wanted to be liberated from what came to be seen as outdated traditions.

This exhibition is one definitely worth visiting. Because, behind all the pink there is truth and a history told with conviction. It’ll leave you feeling nostalgic for an era you were never part of.

‘THE LAST DEBUTANTES’ RUNS UNTIL JANUARY 2010 AT KENSINGTON PALACE

HOW IT IS

SENSORY DEPRIVATION AT THE TATE WITH SARA DOWNES Read more »

The Tate Modern’s Turbine Hall, that vast warehouse-cum-gallery, once controversially home to a crack in the floor and what can only be described as an adventure playground, is now occupied by what seems to be a gargantuan shipping container. It is not, however, what it seems; it is in fact the Turbine Hall’s latest artwork; Mirsolaw Balka’s ‘How It Is’.
The installation is now open to the public, who may walk up its steep, unwelcoming ramp and tentatively enter the pitch black void of the container measuring a whopping 13 metres high, 10 metres wide and 30 metres long. As you enter the steel structure the light begins to fade with each step until you are deep inside and are plunged into the darkest of dark spaces, like nothing you have experienced before in our light polluted world. You are surrounded by up to 60 other curious visitors all attempting to navigate their way round. You may bump into people, hands outstretched in a brave foray into the unknown, or creep nervously along the velvet lined walls hoping to avoid any unwanted intimacy. You tune into your other senses now that you cannot see, and listen intensely to people talking, some huddle together mumbling in hushed whispers while a group of school children are screaming and shouting. Everyone has a different reaction but you are all just faceless souls in this awkward and uneasy darkness. One turn, however, and you can see light again, the grey walls of the turbine hall welcoming you back to reality.

Balka has created this blank sculpture for you, the gallery visitor, and it is your reaction and your interpretation of the experience that transforms the outsized shipping container into a truly inspiring, emotional piece of art. The experience can be frightening, unnerving, exciting; it all depends on you, your fellow visitors, and how you react. For the howling and stomping school children it is all fun and games but for many people the experience leaves a far more sinister taste. The large numbers of people, slowly marching up the slope into the void evokes thoughts of the Holocaust and human suffering and suppression.

While the piece doesn’t tell you anything explicitly, a brief look into the artist’s background explains a lot. Born in Poland in the 1950s, Miroslav Balka’s work often deals with the Holocaust. ‘How it is’ itself is based on the Samuel Beckett prose from which it takes its name, in which the narrator basically crawls through mud for 150 pages in a bleak, depressing depiction of human struggle.

Depression, struggle and war are always popular topics among artists, particularly World War Two. Few have managed to create such emotional pieces however. Francis Bacon’s Three Studies for Figures at the Base of a Crucifixion is perhaps a stronger, more tortured piece, but that was painted at the end of the war itself by a first hand witness. Balka’s twenty first century approach is different in its openness to interpretation at the same time as having a very deep and important message hidden within its giant steel frame. It is perhaps not entirely unique in its vision; Antony Gormley put people in a smoke filled glass box in his ‘Blind Light’ of 2007, provoking similar feelings of confusion and sensory deprivation, and the Jewish Museum in Berlin is home to a similar empty steel sculpture by Daniel Libeskind.

Nevertheless, it’s powerful stuff and while the installation does not in any way provide an accurate representation of the true horrors of the holocaust, it does evoke an emotion, a tiny, but still incredibly disconcerting sense of human suppression. Perhaps it could be described as a very tame attraction at an amusement park; it’s really quite scary but at the same time you know you’re in England in 2009 and Health and Safety regulation has got your back. But for a big black box, it does tease out some pretty intense emotions.

The artwork has the ability to make you think, make you feel emotions and make you forget you’re really just a content LSE student pottering around the South Bank, and for that it is a really great piece of art. For me, art is there to provoke something in you, even if it is just momentarily. I believe it should make you learn, think or feel something and this piece is a refreshing escape from some of the boring art of recent times which is there taking up my time simply as a comment on the existence of art itself.

I would definitely recommend people to go and experience ‘How It Is’. It’s interesting and fun if nothing else. You’ll soon be snapped out of your daze when you see the families wheeling buggies full of pink squealing toddlers down the slope, past the man in the yellow vest with a torch at hand in case anyone gets themselves into a panic while inside. You’ll quickly re-enter London and remember you really ought to get on reading those library books that are already overdue. However, for those few minutes of reflection, it’s worth a visit, even if you don’t like art

REFLECTORTION

ANISH KAPOOR SHOCKS AND ASTONISHES SACHA ROBEHMED Read more »

Have you happened to walk along Piccadilly of late? Looked into the courtyard of the Royal Academy? Glimpsed a huge sculpture of piled-high metal balls that look like they were stolen from giant Newton’s Cradles? If not, then you should. A fitting introduction to the major Anish Kapoor retrospective being held at the Royal Academy, The Tall Tree and the Eye is a sculpture that is, undoubtedly, there. It’s obscene and outrageous! Yet, despite the 17th century architectural grandeur of its surroundings, it is somehow not out of place. In fact, you realise as you look at your reflection a hundred times, kind of like through a fly’s eyes, it actually works in the space.
In this very concise, well-put together retrospective, the first room begins with Kapoor’s early pigment sculptures, bold and striking in their colour and shape. The forms themselves are very precise – yet the scattered pigment on the floor surrounding the sculptures suggests they are emerging, in an organic, almost volcanic way.

In the same room is Kapoor’s swollen, pregnant, belly, embedded in a wall. Subtle enough so that it goes unnoticed at first, and yet ultimately obvious, rather like any pregnant belly I suppose, When I Am Pregnant is fantastic. It blurs the boundaries between where the gallery ends and the sculpture begins, merging two as one – just as mother and fetus are bound together. Emerging from the wall, it at the same time is the wall, and is thus only noticeable because of light and the shadows created – subtle perfection.

Yellow, in the next room, is the inverse of this belly. A large yellow receding sculpture built into the wall, it exudes happiness, so in-your-face it is almost blinding and sun-like in its radiance. “This is better than therapy,” the couple next to me whispered. And they were right. For if an emotion can be captured, then I think Kapoor has, and this is it.

In complete contrast, the first I saw of Shooting into the Corner was the crowds, and their apprehension. There was clearly something happening beyond the funnel of the doorway. So, moving forwards, we glimpsed the cannon, and then BAM the sound made everyone jump as a shell of red wax was fired at 50 miles an hour at the formerly pristine walls of the Royal Academy. The old, magnificent, carefully crafted room was no match for the red wax, which smashed into the wall and stuck there, gloopy, the oozing old shells merging and gathering on the floor, the spatters, blood-like, spraying the trajectory of the canon. Violent, vivid, and captivating, we did admittedly walk back at the end of the exhibition, just to see the canon fire again, and muse at what it would be like in December, when even more shells piled up. Inexplicably, it’s something you wanted to see again, whilst also realizing that it’s also the kind of thing that Alex deLarge would call “real horrorshow”.
The room of mirrors, Kapoor’s Non-Objects was like a rather intense version of the funfair classic. The concave shapes distorted reflections, and played on the space of the room – but what was even more disconcerting was the way in which seemingly flat, normal surfaces were in fact unlike normal mirrors, and so distorted your reflection in some way. Meanwhile the sculptures themselves, reflecting and transgressing space, became non-objects, the images they were distorting constantly changing as people moved through the room.

The next room was filled with writhing concrete sculptures, crowded so that you had to gingerly pick your way around them. These were bizarre initially, inspiring simultaneous reactions of awe and disgust. They conjured up images of Medusa’s hair and excretions. Yet despite these associations, they were actually made by a 3D printer; technology rather than the artist’s own hands. The juxtaposition of the precision due to their mechanical creation and the oozing, curling, ‘organic’ shapes leant the sculptures a certain strangeness.

Apart from the canon, the other highlight of the exhibition, which was striking in terms of scale, was a massive block of wax on runners, the height and width of the doors and very long.

Throughout five rooms of the Royal Academy, it moved very slowly on tracks. Svayambh, I felt, really gave the exhibition a sense of continuity and flow that might otherwise have been lacking. It was something that could be seen several times throughout the latter half of the exhibition. Apart from marveling at its vast red waxiness, it was strangely mesmerising to see this thing move from one room to another and emerge through the doorway, fitting perfectly, with the architecture of the doorway imprinting and sculpting the wax. In turn, the sculpture left its own literal mark on the doorways, trailing fragments of excess wax.

The phallic symbolism of the red, snugly-fitting yet emerging sculpture was subtle but noticeable, particularly when seen alongside the rotund, protruding sculpture Hive. Sex and art seamlessly collude in a giant mass that seems made of the sort of worn, weathered metal that could be pulled off of an old ship and bolted together. At the other side of the sculpture however, you see the inverse – the hole that the sculpture disappears into, a bleak darkness.

Slug, however is without a doubt the most sexually explicit of this collection of work. A shiny marble-like tube that seems suspended from the air curves sensuously, reminiscent of a musical instrument – a tuba perhaps. Suddenly, the pale twisting tube becomes this deep, wide, glittering red gash…and well, the obvious comparisons to female anatomy you can make for yourself. I think even the exhibition programme mentions ‘vulva’. It was so unexpected it left me giggling. A fitting end to an exhibit that questioned the sculptor’s role, manipulated space, and was alternately subtle and violent and crude.

A GRAND DAY OUT

MARK TWYFORD IMBIBES SOME CULCHA Read more »

It’s the start of a new year, and hopefully after a hectic week of Freshers’ Fair, and an even more hectic one packed full of lectures, you have a least a little bit of time left for yourself. So take a deep breath, step out and enjoy what this city has to offer you, besides copious amounts of alcohol, and a ridiculous number of clubs.
So why not try an art gallery? For those unfamiliar with London, the best place to start on the art scene is with the general exhibitions at the city’s three main art galleries; the Tate Modern, Tate Britain and the National Gallery, all conveniently located within Zone 1 of the underground.

One of the best things about these galleries is that their permanent exhibits are all free, which means that even if you’re not sure you like art you can go along, hate everything, and you still won’t have wasted any money (and time spent on art is never time wasted). An ideal day out for the average London student, living off a can of beans and Sainsbury’s value vodka (at £7 a bottle your liver just can’t say no!).

But rest assured, within these three massive galleries there is surely something for nearly everyone. For the lover of classical art, whether it be renaissance or early impressionism, the National Gallery is easily the best place to start (and the easiest to find from the LSE, being located on Trafalgar Square; follow the big column, but if you are catching the Tube, Charing Cross is the station of choice). The building itself is a neo-classical monstrosity that dominates the northern side of Trafalgar Square, and frankly dwarves the National Portrait Gallery behind it (a bizarre curio which will undoubtedly be covered at some point – watch this space!).

The majority of the collection is devoted to renaissance era paintings, usually filled with Christian symbolism, ranging from the impressive (some of the battle pieces in particular) to the downright awful (check out the portrait of the King on horseback for the most outsized horse you’ll ever see). A personal favourite in the National are the last three or so rooms containing a fine collection of Cezanne’s, Van Gogh’s (including his Sunflowers if you must insist on seeing it) and also Pissarro’s fantastic Boulevard Montmartre at Night, to name but a few.

But that really is about as cutting edge as the National Gallery gets (apart from temporary exhibitions such as last year’s one on Picasso). For a greater array of post-impressionism and a forage into cubism and early to mid-twentieth century art, the Tate Britain (located near Pimlico Tube station) would be better. While the Tate houses a collection of Turner’s that far exceeds that of the National Gallery (if the moody seascapes of this classic British artist are your thing), it also possesses a modernist collection that spans from the tortured paintings of Francis Bacon to the bizarre sculptures of Henry Moore.

The Tate Modern is undoubtedly the new kid on the block, and amongst a frequently rotating permanent exhibition, also houses several temporary exhibitions (which like temporary exhibitions in the other galleries cost money, so are best avoided unless they’re either really good or really cheap) and also an alternating (and free) sculpture exhibition in the giant turbine hall.

The building itself is a fantastic modernist monolith; the gallery effectively being housed in a disused power station, and the views across the millennium bridge to Saint Paul’s (your nearest tube stop) are breathtaking. But it is the art inside that, inevitably, steals first prize. With a broad collection that can encompass anything from the famed Spaniards Picasso and Dali, through to Young British Artists such as Damien Hirst.

Finally at the end of a long day out, there’s nothing quite like a cool pint of beer (or lager if that’s your poison). Down the Strand from the National Gallery, just of Aldwych, is the fantastic Lyceum Tavern, with cheep beer and a nice atmosphere. At the other end of the scale is the Waterfront Bar opposite the Tate Modern; expensive beer, but blessed with one of the best views in London (and the best kept pint of Staropramen). The Tate Britain seems to largely be surrounded by cafes, so nothing of interest there…

Ultimately, as a student in London, at the very least you have one year here. And it would seem a shame if in that time you didn’t at least sample one of these great institutions, it really can’t be stressed enough how free they are. So don’t be afraid, dive in and take a bite of culture, it might bore you, it might be the best thing you’ve ever done, probably neither, but it can’t kill you.

THE FORGOTTEN HALF OF ‘THE FOUR’

MEGAN JONES REMEMBERS FRANCES AND MARGARET Read more »

Frances and Margaret MacDonald along with their respective husbands; James Herbert MacNair and Charles Rennie Mackintosh, created the loose collective of the Glasgow School known as “The Four”. “The Four” were crucial figures in the development and increasing popularity of the Glasgow Style, which had at its heart The Glasgow School of Art, during the 1890s. However it is only the work of Charles Rennie Mackintosh which remians widely appreciated, and widely recognised. The work of both MacDonald sisters is very rarely exhibited, and has not enjoyed critical or popular longevity.

The lack of recognition today for the talent of the MacDonald sisters would be a surprise for their contemporaries, who saw their work appear in leading periodicals, such as the Studio, The Yellow Book and Dekorative Kunst, and exhibited in London, Paris, Venice and Turin. During their lifetimes artists and critics realized that they were very promising artists, and understood the influence their work had on major artists of the period. Margaret and Frances exhibited with Mackintosh at the 1900 Vienna Secession, where they were an influence on the Secessionists Gustav Klimt and Josef Hoffmann.

The Vienna Secessionists preferrred the rectilinear designs and muted colours of the Glasgow Style, rather than the Continental Art Nouveau Style, and there is evidence that shows that Klimt incorporated aspects of the Glasgow Style into his own paintings, for example “Poetry” from the Beethoven Frieze shows a group of women painted in a very similar style to that of Frances MacDonald.

Margaret MacDonald’s contribution to the work of “The Four” and the development of the “Glasgow Style” is often underestimated and underappreciated because she often worked in collaboration with Mackintosh. In Mackintosh’s designs for Mrs Cranston’s Tea Rooms, one of his most famous commissions, Margaret was responsible for most of the interior design, as well as the famous panelling including “O ye that Walk in the Willow Wood”.

The room exhibited by Frances, Margaret and Mackintosh at the Vienna Secession in 1900, is now referred to as the Mackintosh Room, even though one of Margaret’s most famous panels, “The May Queen” is the most prominent feature in the room. However Margaret received criticism from those who recognised her collaboration with Mackintosh and her influence on his work. In 1933 the architectural critic, P. Morton. Strand wrote to the organisers of the “Mackintosh Memorial Exhibition” in Glasgow: “I hope that the exhibition may not be so arranged or announced as to give the impression that Mrs Mackintosh was in any sense considered her husband’s equal or alter ego. Outside of circles of loyal friends in Glasgow and Chelsea her work is either unknown, or long since forgotten.”

Whilst in the late 1960s when Mackintosh’s work was beginning to be recognised and appreciated in Britain, Margaret MacDonald’s role and talent was continously undermined, and remains so.

However, Margaret’s immense talent was not wholly ignored; Charles Rennie Mackintosh described the difference between himself and his wife as: “ Margaret has genius, I have only talent”. Furthermore, an article from Dekorative Kunst says of Margaret’s work that, “Mrs Mackintosh is outstanding for her illustrations of mystic poetry…her hand creates drawings, paintings and reliefs whose unusually meticulous and delicate execution never hampers their spiritual clarity. I know no plaster relief by any living artist which can be compared with hers.”

The work of Frances MacDonald is even less wll-known and less appreciated than that of her sister, Margaret. This is in no small part due to her departure from Glasgow, but also because her husband, James Herbert MacNair, destroyed much of her work following her death. However Frances’s work was created across an impressive range of media, published and exhibited extensively internationally, and provided an important stimulus for the emrgence of a distinctive “Glasgow Style”. Although the amount of work produced by Frances during her lifetime was relatively small, the quality of the work; especially the interiors for her home at Oxford Street, Liverpool and The Lady’s Writing Room exhibited in Turin, along with her later watercolours should be seen as among the most consistently inventive and individual artist-designer of that period in Britain. The series of later watercolours meditated on a woman’s spiritual and physical being, expressing ideas which had preoccupied Frances since the 1890s, and which had become part of her own personal experience. These works have few, if any parallels in British painting in the early twentieth century.

Therefore, although Charles Rennie Mackintosh remains the most well-regarded and successful of the “The Four” there may come a time when the talents of the MacDonald sisters are finally taken into account and given, both the critical and popular recognition they deserve.

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